stigma (n.) // Hyunlix

Eight

H Y U N J I N

He shouldn't even be at the other dorm. It's past midnight, a week after they've returned from overseas, and he was supposed to go home with the others, with Chan and Jisung, but he'd gone over the choreography submissions with Minho and he wanted to get through all of them at once, get a full picture. And they did get through them, but by the end, Hyunjin's eyes burned and Minho's constant yawning made them both laugh.

Usually, Felix is part of this process. But he's out of town for several nights, somewhere in Europe at a fashion show and then staying for a photoshoot. They texted only in the group chat about it, the usual good luck wishes. It's a clear sign that something is off. Hyunjin wants to reach out and smooth over the rips in the fabric of their relationship, but he doesn't know what to say.

"Go home, Hwang," Minho says, yawning once more. He walks past him to the bathroom, ruffling Hyunjin's hair.

It's been quiet for the last hour. With Felix being out and both Jeongin and Seungmin having said their goodnights early into the evening, no one disturbed their concentration. Now Minho vanishes behind the bathroom door, which shuts with a soft click.

And then Hyunjin is alone. And he doesn't leave.

The doctor's appointment is waiting for him on the other side of this night. Scheduled for the early afternoon, and one manager and Chan promised to come with him. He needs to tell his parents after, he knows, is still mentally going through the conversation and not getting far without wanting to cry. And he's nervous on top of it, scared that there's something the doctor will find that makes this worse somehow. He suspects the nervousness is what made Minho stay up with him way past his usual bedtime.

His watch alerts him to a text, and Hyunjin checks, and finds a few words from Changbin he should have expected by now. 'Are you coming home soon?' He puts the phone away without answering.

And so he stands in the living room still, half turned towards the door where his shoes are sitting somewhere on top of Jeongin's collection. His bag is there too, all his things thrown in. Ready to go. His chest itches. It's nothing he can't ignore if he puts his mind to it but now that it's night and quiet it crawls back into his consciousness.

It's a weird sensation. A stuffy feeling, like waking up during when you have a cold coming, when you can tell something is wrong but it's not yet affecting your day.

"Are you okay?"

It's Seungmin's voice, and Hyunjin didn't even hear him enter the room. He looks worried, frowning as he comes closer.

Hyunjin hurries to nod. Seungmin doesn't look half convinced but he stops, hesitates, and then walks into the kitchen instead. He's still eying him, more subtly now but Hyunjin can still feel it.

And maybe that's why he does it. Why he says it.

"I'm in love with another man."

Breath leaves him in the wake of the words, tied onto the last syllable, and for a strong, sudden moment, he's lightheaded.

Seungmin in the kitchen stops moving. Then he turns towards him, mouth open. "What?" he asks.

Hyunjin doesn't reply. His words still echo in the air between them and he knows Seungmin heard him, is only asking because the substance of the words hasn't quite made it through just yet.

Seungmin takes a few steps into the living room. Stops again. Frowns.

"Why didn't you say anything before?"

The smallest shrug. That's all Hyunjin is able to do. He's still dizzy, and that's most of the reason he thinks, that his truth is not made to live outside his body, was supposed to live inside his chest forever, only now the the flower growing takes up all the space, a violent intruder, pushing out all that has been there before.