talking to him

going under

𝖙𝖗𝖎𝖌𝖌𝖊𝖗 𝖜𝖆𝖗𝖓𝖎𝖓𝖌𝖘 𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖊𝖉 𝖎𝖓 𝖆𝖚𝖙𝖍𝖔𝖗'𝖘 𝖓𝖔𝖙𝖊

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karl feels like he might be dead, lying on his bed staring blankly up at the ceiling and trying not to rot away.

he has tried so hard to be the happy friend all his life, but it gets exhausting. his muscles feel heavy and his eyes are trying to shut against his will. he isn't tired, not actually, but mentally he has lost all will and energy.

in elementary school, karl would occasionally be sad that he didn't have a mom when everyone else did. he didn't know her long enough to see if he was missing out on anything, but it was hard not to look at the other kids and feel a little envious.

he would cry to his dad about it, but he would never tell anyone else. he wouldn't tell teachers or school friends. even when quackity became like a brother to him, he kept it all to himself so he didn't have to burden anyone.

after all, what could they do to fix the fact that karl's mom didn't want him?

he never felt like a burden to his dad - that was different.

then his dad died, and his only outlet was gone, and he was hopeless. karl understood that mourning was normal, and that his boyfriend and best friend expected him to be sad, but he refused to show it in their presence. he closed his feelings away in a vault in his heart and only let them slip when he was alone.

that was why he broke up with sapnap the first time. he needed to be alone to cry and grieve and hold himself together, but he refused to do it in a room he shared with sapnap. he was adamant not to show that he felt this way to his friends, so he felt his only option was to pretend he was over with the ravenette.

maybe, for a minute then, he had meant it, too. he had wanted so desperately to be alone, that he was genuinely ready for them to break up. of course, not after long, he went back on his word and they rekindled. they never really spoke about it, sapnap just took him back and they forgot it happened.

they did the same thing the next few times, and maybe the repetitiveness of it all is why sapnap hardly seemed surprised when it happened again a few nights ago.

karl has gotten out of bed only a handful of times since then, only to use the bathroom and, once, when he heard sapnap and quackity talking in the lounge, to sneak into the ravenette's bedroom to get himself some clean clothes that weren't jeans.

karl has already called in to take tomorrow off work under the pretence of being sick, but he knows he won't be able to avoid it forever. he will have to go back to his life and continue through the pain like everyone else does.

he will have to see ryan and remember what happened last time at the office and relive the guilt of almost giving in to letting another man touch him when he is still dating sapnap. he supposes, now that they have broken up, it doesn't really matter. karl might as well just sit back and let himself be abused by his boss, because he has nothing to fight for anymore.

he gave up caring for himself a long time ago. he only kept going for sapnap.

karl curls onto his side, and even that small movement makes his stomach curl and flip and churn.

quackity has been bringing him food and leaving it just inside the doorway before silently leaving again, but karl can't bring himself to eat any of it. he has had a few mouthfuls here and there, but it just makes him feel sick to think of quackity slaving away to make him food when the brunette is lying here feeling bad for himself.

he knows he hurt both sapnap and quackity by dumping the ravenette and then ignoring them both, but he doesn't know how to fix what he did. it feels irreparable, and part of karl feels like he'll just have to live with the guilt forever.

he doesn't deserve them. quackity and sapnap treat him like he is this amazing person, but he knows he isn't. karl is awful, and he isn't sure how they don't see that. if he was them, surely he would've left by now?

both of their lives would be better if he wasn't there to ruin everything.

being happy for the sake of others is easy enough, but surely it's acceptable for him to drop the facade behind closed doors? he hates his job, his mom left before getting to know him, his dad passed when karl hardly understood life, and the only family he has left is his godfather, who he'd rather not have.

the brunette clicks his tongue, grimacing over the tacky feeling that has come from leaving his teeth unbrushed for so long. he can't remember the last time he felt this low. this incapable. everything is shit, and he can't even muster the energy to pretend like there is a reason for him to get out of bed and fight.

the only reasons he had, he pushed away.

it hurts like hell, but karl has to come to terms with the fact that his friends deserve better. they are so much better than him, he can't bring himself to keep dragging them down with his presence.

if he was a stronger man, he would find somewhere else to stay, even just for a little while whilst sapnap recovers from the initial hurt of the breakup and they can be friends again. maybe he would go and stay with his godfather.

but he isn't a good person, and he can't bring himself to leave even if it would be better for the others. they might be better without him, but he needs them.

needs them like he needed his dad.

like he still needs his dad.

karl presses his eyes shut, silently asking what he did to deserve this. he wants to ask why his dad left him, even though he knows it was never a choice. he wants to escape his own mind.

he feels like he is drowning. like there is water spilling and building in his lungs and he is choking on it. like he can't breathe as he is pulled under the tide and thrown through the waves.

he misses his dad so much it hurts.

he thinks about death so much it hurts.

he hates himself so much, and it hurts.

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lovely happy positive chapter to start the day!!! #sunshineandrainbows

love you all mostest

-kit