She kissed my neck softly, and i can't help but kiss her neck, and jaw, and behind her ear.. As soon as my mouth touched her sweet spot, she started moaning.. Her thighs pressing with each other.. I felt it, bcz my leg was between her thighs.. Her b...
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Jungkook pov 11.12.23
Past two years have been wild.. Life is just going up and down.. I think i enjoyed it quite a lot..
First we did our las vegas concert and then coming back home and releasing our new album YET TO COME.. armies were happy, waiting for a new world tour may be.. But we knew.. We all knew that that isn't true.. But we couldn't disclose it.. We stayed silent.. Until the anniversary dinner... we announced the leave.. And everyone was crying.. I didn't wanted to cry, but i couldn't hold back tears seeing other.. But i still controlled myself to some extennt..
And then we went to white house to talk about anti asian hate crime.. But everything went downwards after that.. It thought i would enjoy the leave for sometime.. That i may forcefully have fun.. But i didn't.. I stayed at home and thought aout my life.. And where i am now.. It hought about how incompatible i am.. That i how bad i am, that i am just nothing other than a machine.. Who sings and dances, and i can't even do that properly..
Bts grew to fame due to its awesome messages but i couldn't wrie those lyrics, i can just sing those.. I am not namjoon,i can't see behind of things.. And i am not yoongi, i can't make awesome music.. I never felt too much dark emotions or life to write about those.. I was just living and doing my best, which worked till date, but i don't have any foundation..
I felt lost.. I saw how many groups broke down after military enlistment.. And then went solo.. And i knew i had so power in going solo.. That i could do nothing.. But this didn't help.. I only felt sad and stayed in my room for as long as i can remember.. Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months.. And i was doing nothing, but feeling lost.. Among all these dessert of sadness, a little bit of hope was busan concert.. And we performed.. I enjoyed doing that.. I enjoyed paracticing and seeing people..
I listened to the people in company, asking me to do something out of work, for the sake of my happiness.. I did boxing, but that was for fitness, i learned guitar, and drum and that is also to perform.. I learned english also to talk to army.. I learned dancing and singing.. And i just did these things for years.. I was deep in my work all the time, and now when they asked me to find something out of my work.. I am empty..
I started bike riding.. I wanted to ride a bike from a very youg age, but i didn't get the chance to do so.. But this time i took lessons.. And then tried painting, but i don't know what to paint.. I was just lost... i couldn't make friends.. I had some friends who are not members, but they are idols and stars too.. They have their work and life and schedules too..
I left family too long ago.. So we never developed the connection to be together.. They loved me i know.. But i can't stay with them long.. I don't feel as connected with them anymore.. And although i visited them sometimes, it was impossible for me to stay with them..
Comes to dating.. And i can't.. I can't date.. It would be just a mess.. Already bts has enough to gossip about.. And now if i try to date.. I have to meet new people to liek them.. And then they would mostly be celebrities and famous people.. Bcz no matter how much army likes me, normal people only wants to see us from us.. They don't want to involve in our lives.. And i don't blame them.. They have solid reasons.. Our members date and do date people.. But they sign NDA with them.. Bcz the thing that is good for the group is good for us.. We know that.. Members definitely don't want to make someone they like sign a nda, but they don't have a choice... it seems weird, but a lot of our popularity is based on us being single... it is annoying..
And to be honest, i don't want a relationship.. Bcz i know it would be a mess.. And i can't let my heart break.. In 2019, i was going out with a friend of mine, along with her boyfriend, but i forgot that it was caught on the cctv camera.. And it made a huge stir in the media.. I was interrogated, but mostly that person also had to go through a lot.. Although i was sad about it, but that wasn't it..
What hurt me the most was, when it came out, she didn't took my side.. She was talking to get fame.. And i didn't think she would do that.. I thought she was my friend, and felt that she would support me infront of the media, but she didn't.. She took all the spotlights to herself, flaming the rumors.. And she only stopped when our company offered her something and made her sign a settlement..
It hurts me.. Bcz no matter how much i want to accept these things, but i know people only love me for my image, and my body and performance.. Nothing more.. And it was haunting me..
I couldn't cope with it... our members were struglling too.. But we weren't talking too much... and i started smoking.. I don't know why, but i did it anyways.. I felt embarrased at myself for that.. As i was the one forcing my dad to stop smoking.. And i started doing it myself.. I felt lost..
Until one day i decided to turn on a live session with army.. And i did many lives after that.. Singing, dancing, talking, eating, sleeping.. And i felt that, no matter how much it may be tough, but there are so many people who love me.. Ya.. maybe not unconditional love, but they definitely see something in me, and that is why they sppot me.. And i slowly but surely found my confidence back.. I did perform at world cup in between.. Although it caused some gossip too..
And finally people from the company wanted be to release my music.. And by this time, it was nearly an year, when i didn't do anything.. And i didn't knew what i wanted to do.. So i tried to find faith in myself.. And decided to follow my heart and work hard and move forward.. It worked.. I bought songs from producers and release 2 singles, which were accepted generously by fans and even non fans.. And then my album Golden.. I worked hard for that.. I practiced, i worked hard and did everything in my power to do well.. And it did quite well..
I learned a lot of things in this period.. I leanred to have faith in myself.. To ot think and live my life following my heart, and moving forward.. I learned that thinking about the stuff outside of our control only makes it worst.. I can't control what happens to me when i am in military, but i can do my best and try to live every momentas i want...
Tomorrow it is my day to join the military.. Iwould be gone for 18 months.. Today taehyung hyung and namoonhyung joined.. And i and jiminshi will oin tomorrow.. Atleast he will be with me all the time for the next year and half..
I would miss this freedom and this lifestyle.. I would miss singing and dancing.. And i would maybe sometimes even think about what i could have done in this long period to grow my carrer.. But i know that will never helo me.. I am just ready to enter this new phase of my lfe...
And i want to come out of this journey as a more simple and hardworking person than ever.. I hope my fans will wait for me there..
Author's note
hey guys.. here is the next chapter of this story...
for the past few days, i was out of town.. i had a wedding of a family member.. so i had fun, we celebrated, we enjoyed, we had fun..
i enjoyed a lot..
although i know i should post more frequently, but i took the time to relax a little bit..
