Where I Belong

Kabanata 19

Death

Another day came. I just stayed in my room even though Nanay Cecil knocked on my door several times, telling me to eat. It was already dinner time when I decided to go down to eat.

Unfortunately, Mom was also eating dinner. Nanay Cecil already saw me, so I had no choice but to sit down and eat.

I was halfway through finishing my dinner when Mom spoke. "You're so shameless, aren't you? After knowing the truth, you still did not leave."

I was about to speak when Nanay Cecil interjected. "Selene, tama na oh. Hayaan mo naman sanang makakain si Brea."

"Manang Cecil, wag mo siyang ipagtanggol. All of the people in this house know na si Brea ang may kasalanan. Kung sana nakinig lang siya, edi sana walang car accident na mangyayari. Kung sana hindi naging matigas ang ulo niya at nagstay na lang sa bahay, edi sana hindi ka niya na kailangan sunduin habang umuulan. Mahirap bang makinig, ha, Brea? Four years ago, all you had to do was stay in this house instead of going to your friend's house, and then what? Alam mong pumunta doon ng tumatakas pero hindi mo alam umuwi ng mag-isa."

Her words cut deep, reopening wounds that had barely begun to heal. I felt a lump in my throat, my appetite disappearing completely. The room was silent except for the sound of Mom's angry breathing and the ticking of the kitchen clock.

"Mom, please, enough," I finally managed to say, my voice barely a whisper. "I know what happened. I live with it every day."

"Do you?" she retorted, her eyes blazing with anger.

I stood up, my hands shaking. Pushing my chair back and turning to leave.

"Brea," Nanay Cecil called softly, concern evident in her voice.

I didn't respond, just headed back to my room. The walls seemed to close in on me as I sat on my bed, my mind racing. The memories of that night flashed before my eyes: the rain, the argument, the sound of the car crash.

Sana ako nalang yung namatay.

It feels like I don't have anyone on my side. My mom broke my phone just so I couldn’t communicate with the Millers and Kate. I felt completely isolated, with no way to reach out to the people who had become my support system.

Days passed in a blur of silence and loneliness. Nanay Cecil did her best to comfort me, but there was only so much she could do. My mom's harsh words echoed in my mind constantly, making it difficult to find any peace.

I want to leave, but I can’t.

Days passed, and I found myself grateful that another school year had arrived. It provided a much-needed escape from the stifling atmosphere of home, where my mom's anger still lingered like a dark cloud.

Her refusal to speak to me, treating me as if I were a ghost, was a painful reminder of our fractured relationship. Yet, in a strange way, it was a relief to not have to endure her harsh words.

I went back to my old school, hoping for a fresh start. But the reality was far from what I had imagined. I found myself drifting through the hallways and classrooms, feeling like an outsider.

Everyone else seemed to have their groups and friends, while I was left alone, trying to blend into the background.

Lunchtimes were the hardest. I would sit at a corner table in the cafeteria, pretending to be engrossed in my books or phone to avoid the awkwardness of eating alone. The noise and laughter of other students only emphasized my isolation.

A few months went on like a routine, and to my surprise, I finished my second year without making any friends to hang out with.

Each day felt like a repetition of the last: wake up, go to school, sit through classes, eat lunch alone, and come back home to the cold indifference of my mom.

It was another day of our summer vacation, and I was lying in my bed, lost in thoughts of my birthday and the summer vacation I had spent with the Millers.

My birthday had passed quietly. Only Nanay Cecil and Ate Sunny, our maid, gave me presents and wished me a happy birthday.

I missed the way the Millers celebrated birthdays, full of joy, laughter, and a sense of belonging. The contrast between then and now was evident. I thought back to the beautiful beach house, the sound of the waves, and the genuine happiness I had felt during those days.

As I lay there, the feeling of loneliness crept in, and I couldn't help but long for the warmth and acceptance I had experienced with the Millers.

The memories of my time with them played like a movie in my mind, and I found myself smiling at the thought of Aiden and the others. Despite the physical distance, their impact on my life was life-changing.