Make you Mine. ~ Hyunho

Chapter 9: Insight.

Hyunjin often thought about the hospital. It was a place he didn't wanna remember, yet can't get off his mind. It's where Hyunjin grew up, in a way. It's all he knows. To Hyunjin, however, the most confusing thing was why he deserved it. He was only a child. He didn't know any better, he just didn't want to hurt anymore. All he wanted was for the pain to go away and no body else was going to save him which meant he had to save himself. Hyunjin wishes he didn't have the memory that he did. Maybe then he wouldn't remember the pain of every wound that was inflicted upon him by his brother, or his father. He wouldn't remember the sting in his heart from each degrading profanity that our of his intoxicated mother's mouth. He wouldn't remember looking at her and seeing the pure hatred dripping from her words. The venom of the woman who once loved him, the woman who once held him like he was the most precious thing in the world to her. Even now, out of the hospital and away from his family, the family that he killed. The family who's blood is on his hands, Hyunjin's anger towards the world still remains. His pure hatred to the ones who watched and did nothing. Hyunjin doesn't remember if he'd always had these voices. Maybe they came after that night, or maybe they were the reason  he snapped that night to begin with. Perhaps he was born this way, and his mother saw it. Is that why she had hated Hyunjin so much? Was it because she saw the monster he was? Or did she turn him into the monster that he is now? Hyunjin always had these questions. Often he'd lay on his bed at the hospital, much like he's doing now, asking these questions out loud to who ever would listen. The oddest part? Someone always responded. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

Talking into the emptiness of his room wasn't out of the ordinary for Hyunjin. He did it to feel less lonely. He was all he had now, after all.

"I-I'm s..o ti-tired of b..being he..re. W-why is thi..this my fa-ul..t?  M-momma, wh-why is th-is m..my fa-ult? W-why d-id y..ou l-let the-m hur..t me? Why d-did y..ou h-hurt me? I th-thou..ght y..ou lo..ve..d m-me. W-what ch..ang-ed?"

Hyunjin would talk until he fell asleep. He never dreamed. His sleep was as empty as the white walls that caged him. It was simply another one of those nights. The ones where he fell asleep, alone. His only company being himself and the voices. 

-

Waking up to a note taped to the bed frame was not part of that routine. Hyunjin carefully pulled the sheet of paper off of the metal framing to read it. 

"You didn't deserve it, Jinnie. You didn't deserve the pain they put you through. They didn't deserve you. Don't worry, you're not alone anymore. One day I'll get to hold you for real. For now, I'll listen. You can talk to me." 

The note left chills down Hyunjin's spine. Who was leaving these? The boy from the garden? And how did they get out of his room? Hyunjin shook the feeling off and quickly shoved the note into his pillow case as the doctor walked in. 

-

Hyunjin did it again that night. The boy stared hopelessly at the ceiling, wondering if the boy behind the notes was sitting outside the door now, listening. 

"W-who a..re yo..u? W-why a-are y..ou lea-v..ing the..se n-notes? W-wha..t is it y..ou wa-nt fr..om m-e?" 

Hyunjin asked, hoping he'd hear a response. He didn't. The boy sighed quietly. If the boy wanted to listen, then Hyunjin would grant his wish. 

"T-they de..ser-ved i-it, y..ou kn-ow...you u-under..sta-nd tha-t, ri..ght? M-momma...she a-alwa-ys w-watch..ed it, bot..tle in ha-nd. I c-can sti..ll fee..l e-every b-bruise and c..ut on my b-body. Ev-ery l..ast ou-nce of pa..pain, I f..eel. Ev..en n-now that they..'re go-ne, I st..ill f-feel it. I d..on't un-der..stand. I do-n't k-know wh..at hap-pen..ed. M-momma l..ove-d me. Sh..e l-lov..ed me, y..ou kn-now? But s-she let th-em hur..t me. W-why di..d she le..t th-them hur..t me?"

Hyunjin's words became nothing but whispers as he nodded off. 

-

Come morning, as predicted, the note was taped neatly to his bed frame again. Hyunjin quickly sat up, pulling the tape off and lifting the note to his face to read. 

"They deserved it, Jinnie, I understand. You're family had no right to hurt you. One day I'll take all your pain away. One day you'll know who I am, one day you'll know me." 

~~~~~~~~~~~

But Hyunjin is alone now. He doesn't have the boy from the garden to listen to him anymore. So he laid there. He stared hopelessly at the ceiling as he had many many times before. almost like deja vu. He sighed quietly again as he ran his hands through his hair. He could hear his steady heart beat in his ears. What was he supposed to do, now? 

- - - - - - - - - - - -

"Dear momma, 

You were always very beautiful, you know. Like a flower. You're not a good person, though. You let them hurt me, you let it happen. Why did you let them hurt me? What did I do to you? To them?  Why did I deserve to hurt? All those years of bruises and beatings. Why did I deserve any of that? And why did no one save me? How could the world watch as I crumbled to pieces, a shattered ball of pain and misery? How could you stare into the eyes of a child and see that pain, and not save them? What child deserves to hurt like that? Sometimes I wonder, if maybe it had been you and I, if you'd never met dad, then maybe we'd be okay. Maybe I'd be taking Minho-hyung home to meet you. Maybe we'd laugh, and watch dramas together once a week. On the couch, with a bowl of popcorn. Caramel, your favorite. Maybe we would have been okay. Why did you do it, mother? Why did you change?

- H y u n j i n"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Jinnie, I've missed you. You're just as beautiful as I remember, even if those memories are but small glimpses, I could never truly forget you. The gentle boy, with brunette hair who looked at a flower as though it's beauty could surpass yours. Now, you'll get to know me, my dear." 

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A/N: Damn. It's been a while, hasn't it? I sincerely fucking apologize, Honestly. I have no excuses, just...lack of motivation? I'll do better. I'll update twice a week, no exceptions. Whoever still reads this, if you do, every Monday and Friday. I'm back, and I won't let myself lack so hard again, I promise. Thank you guys for reading, I hope you enjoyed. 

Love ya bitches<3

-Binnie