The Things We Held On To

5) The Sea's Calling

I didn't want him there. I really don't want to walk into my house knowing he's there.

So hopefully he's not. After all, he hates my guts. I'm sure he would rather be anywhere else so he probably found somewhere else.

Sometimes I'm confused on why I let him get to my head. Maybe because his words hold some truth or because of the memories he brings. I don't know, I don't think I ever will, and I don't care to. Exactly like we agreed on, I want us to never, ever speak again.

Staring at my front door, I debated just walking away now. I don't know if I can handle seeing his face right now.

Today was . . . rough. It always is. Why wouldn't it be? It was the very date she got bit. I'll never forget it. Her coming home, holding her arm. Me wrapping her up. Her telling me what I was supposed to do next.

Turning around, I wiped my eyes as I decided to say screw it. The last thing I needed were his comments. That would be the push over the edge. That would be my breaking point.

Putting my hood up and head down, I just started walking. It wasn't like I really had anywhere to be or anyone I wanted to be with. I can't get close to anyone. They may figure it out, and in a screwed up way, not be as lenient as Aris. While he's still a prick about it, he's kept my secret.

At the cost of my sanity.

There's always so much going on in my head. About him, about her, about the cure, about all the things that I've done, about all the things that have been done to me. None of it is pretty though. It either makes my stomach twist in knots, my skin crawl, or bring tears to my eyes.

Sometimes I get all three. It's like winning the lottery if the lottery was complete hell.

Strolling by the water, I kept listening to the waves crash by my feet. It was cold tonight. Freezing. Despite it burning up during the day, when the sun went away so did all its warmth.

Turning to face it, I wondered what secrets the ocean had. What creatures and plants it contained. Is it stained with the blood of the innocent who got caught in the current? Are the bones where we aren't allowed to see?

If the ocean took me would I die as an innocent? Or would what I've done cancel out the crimes of the sea?

Since today was the same as yesterday and tomorrow would be the same as today, I may as well find out. I've got nothing to lose. If I swim, I swim. If I don't, I don't.

Pulling my shoes and socks off, I set them and my jacket by the shore. Not thinking much about the consequences, I stepped right in, ignoring the temperature as it soaked the bottom of my jeans. Just walking further in, I let the waves push past me, trying to force me back to the shore.

I didn't plan on doing that. I wasn't planning anything, but this just makes sense I guess. Me and the ocean. Me and the night. Me and the emptiness.

Now that the water was at my waist I started shivering. With it being so cold I could see my breath, it was a wonder snow didn't exist in the world anymore.

Going out just a little more despite the wave's objections, my midriff was finally an acceptable place to stop. Shutting my eyes, I leaned back, letting myself float either out or back to shore. Only time will tell.

The water rushed past my shoulders, the salty scent filling my nose. Ignoring it, I let my tears spill, becoming one with the ocean. I guess that means part of me is with the ocean too. It makes sense in a way. The way the deeper you dive the harder you're forced back. I am the ocean, and the ocean is me.

As I was deep into my mind the water ended up in my mouth. Figuring I've had enough of whatever this was for one night, I just swam back to shore. Ironically, the sea was now forcing me back, begging me to join it. I guess we're the same there too. We can't really make up our minds.

I am the sea, and the sea is me.

Pushing it past me, I swam to shore, denying it my stay. Maybe another night I'll let myself be trapped here forever but not tonight. Probably not tomorrow. I'm sure tomorrow will be the same as today as today was the same as yesterday. It doesn't change. Nothing ever changes.

Before I knew it the waves were back at my knees. Firmly digging my heels into the ground, I wiped my face as I made my way to the shore, my other clothes to the left now, closer to my house. It looks like I was being carried away from it.

Stumbling on the sand, I took a moment to catch my stability. Wiping my eyes again, I took deep breaths. Shaking my head at my own almost redundant yet repeated action, I just grabbed my stuff as I began walking home.

It wasn't a home though. Even before him, it was never somewhere I looked forward to being.

Aris's P.O.V

I had admittedly been stress cleaning. It's just that she definitely should have been home by now. The sky's pitch black and the rest of the world is asleep.

Y/N isn't home though, and there wasn't anything left to do for our job. She also didn't say anything about coming home late. I mean she shouldn't, because it's not like I care about her or anything. I just think it's weird that she's still not home.

So now I'm sitting on her couch, folding and unfolding the same blanket as I debated trying to find her. She could be hurt, and I don't want her to be hurt. If I was just here while she was dying or something, I'd be awful. At the same time, I don't know where she could be, or if this is a normal thing for her, or if she'd be upset if I found her. I mean she doesn't like me. I don't like her either, but I don't want her dead. I just . . . it doesn't matter. I just don't want her dead.

As I was still struggling with the decision the door opened. Snapping my head towards it, I saw Y/N walk in, her clothes and body drenched as she was shivering.

"Where have you been?"I immediately questioned, getting on my feet as I stared at her.

"Nowhere,"She said simply, not looking at me as water dripped to the floor and the scent of the ocean filled the house.

"It's dark outside."

"I can see that. I was just there."

"Why are you wet?"

"Water tends to do that to you."

"Why were you in the water? Where'd you go?"I pressed.

"It doesn't matter to you,"She shrugged, her voice shaking.

"You could have gotten really hurt. Or now you're going to get sick."

"I won't. Don't worry. You won't be the only Medic, and you'll get more soon,"She reasoned as she walked past me.

"Is that why you think I was-"
"Why you were what, Aris? Huh?"She snapped, turning around and glaring at me. With the coldness in her eyes, I was tempted to fully blame her for this. For everything. For the past, and the worry that was heavy in my chest a few moments ago, and the frustration right now.

I was just the same though. Even if I'm nothing like her, this isn't a one-sided, sudden hatred. It was built up with each glare and remark and action. Even if it started with her, I knew I was on her level when it came to not letting the past die. The way I despise her and shown it, even if I tried not to, had left her hating me back.

So she was right. There's no reason for either of us to ever believe the other cares. After all, I just said how much I don't before I saw her.

"You know what? Forget it,"I sighed, pushing past her and slamming the door to go to my cot.

It doesn't matter. It really doesn't.

I have done nothing to care about her, and I won't. If she wants to disappear in the night, who am I to stop her? I would actually be the last person to. Anybody else would be a better choice.

Staring at her ceiling, I reminded myself of that as I heard her turn on the shower.

I can't deny to myself that I'm really hoping she doesn't do that again though.