The Things We Held On To

13) The Apology

I'm not exactly sure how long being friendly will last. I mean it's not like we just don't get along for the fun of it. There's genuine reasons that would take a lot of time and effort to actually get into. Time and effort that I don't really want to give.

I don't really know if I have the strength to work with him today. For all I know, this could be a mind game of his, and I've played enough of this in my life.

I should probably get it over with though. I just have to open the stupid clinic and walk inside and see his stupid face.

No. That's bad thinking. I just have to accept that genuine people exist and actually mean what they say. Not everyone in the world is bad.

Sighing, I stared at the reflection in the mirror. The one I had to scrub for hours after years of never looking at myself. All to make my place livable.

It's insane. Someone I have a past of hatred comes along and I decide the conditions I've kept myself in since I got here are too inhumane. All for what? To give me a reminder of the past? Of coming home and trying to clean a house that always ends up getting ruined? As self punishment?

I don't know, and I don't want to think about all of that. I'm tired, and I need to go to work and maybe actually get along this time. Maybe things will be different.

Time to find out. I guess.

Walking out the bathroom, I slipped my other shoe on before stepping outside, keeping my head down to avoid people's eyes the way I sometimes do. It's easier in the morning when people are just waking up. They don't expect much. That and people aren't usually up early like this. I mean the moon hasn't even fully gone away yet. I just haven't really bothered to try getting up like this in a while because I was gradually just giving up on everything. On pretending I would be able to stay awake and care about anything.

I should probably find a rhythm again. Preferably a healthy one this time.

Holding in a sigh, I unlocked the clinic before stepping inside, shutting the door behind me. Walking over to the desk, I took a seat, resting my head on the wood as I spun the charm on my necklace, gripping it in my fingers.

"It's hard without you. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to trust,"I whispered. There was obviously no response, but that didn't stop me from keeping her updated. "Friends apparently make life easier and better, but what if they're just another burden? What if they make life more difficult? And how do you know when someone actually wants to be around you? Any advice?"

None that she could give. She's dead, and dead people are not very good at communicating. Something else we have in common.

Aris's P.O.V

I don't know what exactly I was expecting when I walked into the clinic. I guess not Y/N sitting at the desk, gripping the charm in complete silence, soft breathing being the only sign she was even still alive.

"Hey,"She nodded, meeting my eyes for a moment as she sat up, her hands clasped together.

"Hi. You uh, you feeling okay?"

"Good as ever,"She shrugged. For what has to be the first time I bit my tongue to not make a remark. Just gave a small nod of acknowledgement.

"You already ate breakfast then?"

"I wasn't hungry."

"Ah."

"I'm sorry. For everything. I always was."

Going completely silent, I sort of just stared at her, trying to figure out how to react. Years. Years of frustration and waiting for something only to randomly get it. Randomly get something I had essentially been begging for while simultaneously making sure it was next to impossible to give. Just one random morning after a small agreement to just not be a jerk, there's just this small but genuine apology.

It felt . . . anticlimactic. I wasn't sure what to expect. I thought that it would fix something inside of me.

I don't feel any more fixed or broken than before. It just feels pointless. All this time we could have just gotten along and been friends and been with someone who was willing to acknowledge just how painful being alive is and how much paradise sucks? And we just didn't?

"I just didn't want to think about it. Ever. Didn't want to admit how badly I helped hurt people. How badly life hurt me. Because if I don't say it, it never happened. It was never real. But it did happen. It was real, and I'm sorry."

This is the part where I'm supposed to say something. Anything. Words or a response.

"You don't have to say anything. Just thought you deserved to know,"She added, getting up from the chair. Walking past me, she lightly patted my shoulder before walking past to go somewhere.

Damn.

Now what?