The Things We Held On To

12) Waiting Up

I went where I always go when I don't know what to do. When I feel like my life is shambles, like everything is crumbling before my eyes, there's always one place I can be sure will never move.

The sea. The sea is always there for me. When I can count on nothing else, when I’m not sure if anyone else will ever understand me, the ocean does. It takes me out, letting me float as I try to drown out my thoughts.

Maybe one night, it will let me sink. Maybe it will let me drown with them. Maybe my thoughts and guilt will weigh me down so much that not even water can hold me.

That doesn't seem to be tonight though. While the salt did still burn my eyes and my nose, it didn't want me dead. Not yet.

I honestly don't know why I’m still doing this. Maybe it's just wishful thinking that it means I'm actually wanted by someone. Not just tolerated, not depended on, but actually wanted. That someone, or something, wants to be around me.

I remember how it went last time somebody needed me though. I let her down. I just always seem to be letting everyone down, no matter how hard I try.

Shutting my eyes, I held my breath as I allowed the waves to pull me under. Not bothering to struggle, I simply plugged my nose as I waited for my lungs to demand oxygen.

Do I want to be saved at this point? I mean I’m constantly sinking deeper and deeper, tearing up every small connection over something that I can never fix.

I wasn't even suppose to remember this. I was supposed to be like them. Completely.

I suppose that would have made Aris’s disdain for me worse. If I actually became one of them. Then, I would actually be lost.

If only I had the guts to go through with it that night. I wouldn't even be thinking about any of this.

I am though. I definitely am.

Swimming upwards, I kicked off the bottom and took a deep breath as the waves splashed around me. Rubbing my burning eyes, I tried to blink the water away as it completely covered my face.

I was chilled to my very bones, though that could have been the fact that I nearly let my body believe I was going to down. It's hard to tell when I’m still in the water.

It's time to get out now I guess. I’ve got to get some sleep. Or as much as I can, before the nightmares come.

Aris’s P.O.V

I feel kind of ridiculous right now. I don't know why since everyone but her is asleep, meaning she's the only one who will even know about this, but it's not what I’m used to. I’m usually in bed right now. Instead, I’m sitting outside, waiting for her.

Harriet’s words kept running through my mind, and I had nothing to do but sit and think about them. It was either that or worry about Y/N’s safety. Even though both thoughts revolve around her, this seemed just slightly better for my sanity. Trying to figure out my feelings and all that.

I kind of feel crazy for this. I know I’m not, but waiting up just makes me feel a stalker. Or maybe I’m overthinking it? I’m probably overthinking it. I do that a lot.

“Aris?”

Jumping a little at her voice, I looked up to see Y/N standing there, her arms wrapped around her as she shivered. Her hair and clothes were drenched. A trail of water followed her, the wet footsteps glistening in the moonlight. Her breath was visible in the night air, each inhale seeming to hurt her chest a little.

“I . . . hi,”I managed to get out, looking down at the towel I was unconsciously twisting in my hand. “This is for you,”I added, holding it out as I looked at her. She stared back, her eyes burning into me and making me shudder a little, as though I was the one who had taken a late night swim.

She didn't say anything as she accepted that towel. Her fingertips grazed mine for just a moment, but she didn't seem to notice as she wrapped it around her shoulders before staring at the puddle forming at her feet.

“I know that we haven't had the best start. It was actually pretty bad, but we have to spend a lot of time together for a while. I just don't want that time to be the way it has been. We don't have to be best friends or anything, but I think we could get along?”I explained, somehow managing to say everything I actually wanted to.

“Yeah. We could. I mean we live together for now so we probably should,”She kind of agreed. I mean I was feeling just as iffy about all of this so I understand that perfectly.

Still, I don't get everything. Not really.

“Why did you let me stay with you? After the attitude I’ve always given you, why did you let me stay?”I whispered.

“You needed somewhere to go. It was the least I could do, right? I’m all alone in this place all day so if I have the space, why not?”

“Do you like being alone?”

“I’m alone all the time, aren't I?”She pointed out.

“That's not what I asked.”

Going back to silence, her eyes burned into mine again, as though there was something about me she had to figure out. I kept my head high, still looking back despite the goosebumps her gaze seemed to give me.

“I’ve got to take a shower,”She said simply, walking past me and to her door.

“I'll stay out here for a little bit,”I told her, turning on my heel to face her as she just barely stepped inside.

“Goodnight Aris,”She said simply, a small, strained smile on her lips as her hands were both clearly ready to shut the door.

“Yeah. Goodnight Y/N.”