My mom would have a very mixed opinion about Aris. She would look me in the eyes and tell me that ethics make or break a relationship. She’d remind me that after the sides we were on, after our beliefs, we were already far too broken to even bother looking at. I would try to explain that things change, that it's different now.
She'd raise her eyebrow and ask what I meant by now. I would try to backtrack, but she’d gently grab my shoulder and repeat her question. As I heard the worry, I would give in, spilling everything. Then, that spilling would lead to me justifying why this is a good idea. I would let that kiss slip, and her face would pale. She’d ask if I was trying to have a guilt child, and I’d have to explain that I pulled away. That I already knew he was too drugged out of his mind to realize what it actually meant when he kissed me. Then, I’d rant that that has to still mean something anyway.
She’d think I’m a fool. She’d be thinking of how exactly to make me see reason, to understand that my guilt was causing me to look for things that aren't there.
I would cry a little. I would say I had nothing to feel guilty for before breaking down in sobs that made my chest ache. She would just stroke my hair, reminding me of my tendency to overthink everything. She would gently remind me why even being friends was a terrible idea, and I’d sob in her arms as I listened.
She was too far gone by then though so nobody knows about that kiss. He doesn't even know.
I walked home in the pouring rain that day, my heart heavy as I tried to forget about it. While I could rationalize that it was the pain medicine making him act strange, I couldn't help but feel like I was going to throw up. It made me rethink everything. Not because of the kiss but because the most affectionate I had gotten in years was from someone drugged out who hated my guts.
I couldn't tell her that though. I just walked in, slumping against the door as I could already feel myself going crazy.
“Morning.”
Snapping out of my head, I looked up to see Aris, a half smile on his face. Giving him a nod, I turned back to the papers.
“So there's something else going down tomorrow? If you want to come with me?”He invited.
“Shouldn't you bring a different plus one?”I pointed out.
“Well, you weren't really a plus one?”
“Yeah. Sure,”I nodded, my voice unintentionally blank.
“What's your problem with me?”He confronted, the heat rising in his voice.
“I don't have a problem with you, okay? I’m just trying to work.”
“It really seems-”
“Or maybe the problem has nothing to do with you? Did that ever cross your mind?”I pointed out, looking at his flustered face before shaking my head and turning back around.“You could tell me,”He argued.
“And you could tell your friends you know they didn't come back for you, but you don't, do you?”
“Why are we going in circles again? We were just getting along.”
“It has nothing to do with you, okay? Just stop talking,”I snapped, running my hands through my hair in frustration.
“Yeah. Point taken,”He mumbled under his breath. Not bothering or having the energy to respond, I laid my head on my elbows as I tried to shut him out of my head to just ignore his presence.
Aris’s P.O.V
I’m more than frustrated. I’m genuinely close to losing it.
Y/N was passive the entire time, choosing either silence or one worded responses to anything I asked, until I realized there was no point in talking at all.
I’m lost on what to feel right now. She stresses me out, but I don’t want to spend all my time arguing with her. I just need to talk it out.
I stood in Harriet’s living room for a while, trying to work out what to say. I hadn't actually had a plan. I had just come straight here after work, wanting to fix my head.
She looked at me expectantly despite having no idea why I was here. Figuring I just had to get it over with, I held in a sigh before taking a seat beside her.
“Harriet, I need advice,”I settled on.
“But?”She asked, making it clear she knew that wasn't all.
“The thing is you're going to know what I’m talking about after the first sentence, but I need you to pretend to be completely oblivious to it.”
“Ahh. So this isn't about Y/N?”She clarified.
“Yeah. It's not,”I admitted.
“You don't hate her.”
“What?”I asked quickly, my eyebrows furrowing in confusion as she didn't even let me get a word about the situation out.
“You don't keep secrets for people you hate. It's pretty obvious you're hiding something for her. Whatever it is, you think you hate her for it, but you don't. Not really.”
“You didn't even know what this was about,”I reminded her.
“You're conflicted on your feelings, right?”
With a reluctant nod, I confirmed that yes. I was indeed lost on what to feel about her right now.
“So is she. You both give each other mixed signals all the time. If you would just talk-”
“I try. She shuts down right after, and it's back to square one,”I defended.“Aris,”She sighed, adjusting her legs under her in a way that made it clear I better get comfortable with the very uncomfortable truth she was about to give me. “You may think you're hiding whatever is going on well, but everyone has seen the passive aggressiveness you two constantly give each other. Did you really think she was just going to open up like you're best friends after that?”
“I wasn't trying to be passive aggressive,”I mumbled. I mean I try to avoid her, but that's not really the same thing.
“What? So all this time that's just your messed up way of flirting?”
“There's no flirting either. It's just, it’s complicated,”I rushed out, looking at the ground to avoid eye contact.
“Well, whatever it was, it can't just turn into a trusting friendship overnight. A few hours together won't solve the issues you guys have. You have to give it time. Both of you,”She said firmly.
“Why am I always waiting for something?”I sighed, leaning my head back as I waited for the answer she would give to me like it was always obvious.
“Everyone's always waiting for something. It doesn't seem like it because we’ve been through a lot, but we still have a lot of time in our lives left. Just be patient,”She suggested.
“Why did you put me with her?”I blurted out, practically itching for the reason. It couldn't have been random, and I know that. While I'm here, I can at least solve one question that's been haunting me.
“Because she would be willing to take you in, no matter what.”
“How could you know that?”
“Because, even though you take every little thing she does as a sign that she wants you dead, she doesn't hate your guts. Not really.”
“She sure acts like it,”I mumbled.
“You should go home and actually think about this conversation. Maybe sleep on everything I just said for a while,”She advised.
“You mean to Y/N’s home?”
“Yeah. To Y/N’s home.”
YOU ARE READING
The Things We Held On To
FanfictionThe Safe Haven is the chance for everyone to finally be free, to forget the hell that went through and just live. It's their chance to make up for losing their lives. Aris wants that too, more than he's ever wanted anything. He just can't have it. N...