I can't say it but I love you

#4 Heart to Heart

YOONGI

We finally made our comeback with Boy With Luv and promotions have been busy. First of all, we've been invited to the Billboard Music Awards so we're flying out to America tonight and staying there for a few days.
We all walk into the plane into our first class section. It's all empty since this whole section is reserved for us and some of our staff and bodyguards.
People aren't supposed to know we're on this flight and they're definitely not supposed to get to us on the flight but of course, there are some crazy ass weirdos out there.
"I call window!" Jimin hurries past me and points at a seat that he wants.
I roll my eyes and smile, "I like aisle seat anyways." I say. "Every time I go on a plane, I really feel like a celebrity."
I get a few laughs from the members before they go back to getting comfortable in the expensive chairs. The first class seats are much larger than the ones in economy we rode in our debut days and the rows hold two seats instead of three. This means the aisles are bigger as well.
It reminds me of how we've grown as a group so much and that our fans really put us in this place.
I go to sit down in an empty row while the staff handle some of the bags. The backpack I'm holding slides off my shoulder and I let it fall into the seat next to me.
However, when I go to get comfy in my chair, I hear Jimin's voice calling for me a few rows ahead.
"Why're you sitting there? C'mere!" He scoops the air to signal me to sit next to him.
I get up but not before I click my tongue.
"We promised we'd sit together." He whines as I shove my backpack in the space under my feet.
"I forgot, my bad," I say.
"Whatever."

***

I look outside the window and the sky is all dark. By the time we land in America, it'll be around 8am.
The lights inside the plane is dark to match the sky however I can't sleep for whatever reason.
A few minutes later into the flight I feel a tap on my shoulder by Jimin. I'm surprised he's also awake since I swore he was asleep just a minute ago.
He pulls onto my shirt collar to whisper into my ear.
"Aren't you tired?" His voice tingles and his breath is warm on my cheek. I back away slightly so that his face isn't so close to mine.
"Not really," I whisper back.
He frowns and comes to my ear again.
"You should sleep though. We have a whole day of rehearsal and interviews when we land."
"But what about you? You also need to sleep."
"Thanks for worrying about me but I'm not tired."
He speaks with confidence but I could see him fight back a yawn with a clenched jaw.
"Don't give me that face." He says and flicks the air in front of me.
"Jimin, I know you need your beauty sleep."
He lets out a sigh and pushes his hair back.
"Fine I'll sleep but my hands are cold." He says as he starts to rub his palms together.
"Just sit on them or something." I whisper and turn to look away from him because every time he comes to whisper to me, his face comes closer and closer.
"Gimme your hand." He says. When I furrow my brows at him he just takes initiative and grabs my arm and places my palm facing up.
He then places his hand in mine, grabbing firmly.
I stay completely still while I let him hold my hand to let him sleep. His hand sinks into mine and he wraps his fingers in between the crevices and holds it gently in place. It feels more intimate than before and I wonder if he's making a move on me.
But I've told him I'm not gay so why is he doing this? It's not like I'll start liking him.
My mind drifts back to the day he told me his feelings and I swear I thought that was the day I was going to have my first kiss with a guy. I felt so bad telling him that I can't love him and I feel bad now, knowing I will eventually have to reject him.
I squeeze his hand and he lets out a relaxed sigh.
That day, he looked so nervous he looked like he was going to cry afterwards. There are times where I find myself questioning if Jimin is right and that we're destined to fall in love with each other. However, the other part of me denies it and that it would be almost cruel if we were both destined to become idols and gay.
I sometimes imagine how the public would react if we were to become a couple and the image isn't pretty. It's actually very ugly. I wouldn't want BTS to go to waste and I definitely don't want to lose my best friend. I know I'll have to reject him one day but it's a scary thing to do.
My original plan was to just ignore him but I knew that wouldn't stop him from liking me. Plus, it would create huge problems in the group. So, I stuck to just pretending to not have heard his confession in the first place. I'm planning to reject him after we get back home from America.
I sometimes imagine what his face would be after I tell him. It's either a daunting image of him crying his eyes out where his face is all red and puffy the next day or a blank stare with an expression that reads like 'I saw it coming'. I don't know which is worse to envision.
However, that's for future me to worry about. We're flying right now to America for the fucking Billboards. And right now, falling asleep while holding hands with Jimin is something I should enjoy. His cute little fingers can't even fully wrap around my large hands.
I smile at how small his hands are in comparison and I snap a quick photo. It's dark and needs a little tweaking with the image settings but it's obvious what is being shown.
It's not long before I too fall asleep with our hands still interlocked.
I hold onto him as if he'll slip away if I'm not careful.
We'll enjoy our time in America and I'll pretend like he doesn't actually like me and I'll reject him as soon as we get back. Everything between us will work out as long as I don't let his feelings get to me.
He's my best friend and nothing more, at least that's what I tell myself.

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