I can't say it but I love you

#10. Closely Far Away

YOONGI

I feel like my cheeks are going to explode from the amount of smiling I'm doing for the camera. Well, I kind of have to keep up my good image since we've been invited to the literal BBMAs so maybe I can hold in my pain for a bit longer.
I keep beaming on the carpet, trying my best to stare at each camera and not blink too much at the flashing lights.
I hear shouts of "look this way!" And "BTS, over here!"  The flashes are blinding and just a regular person standing here for a second would have them covering their eyes in pain.
We're thrown onto the carpet another time but with instead simple back suites. The arena is crowded with so many people: journalists, interviewers and celebrities alike just casually saunter around like a busy street in the middle of Seoul. Pictures are taken and videos are shot all around us. There are so many important people here but the members and I subconsciously knew there were more eyes on us than on anyone else.
"BTS! Could I get a quick picture?" A photographer asked right as we got off the carpet. We didn't hesitate to say yes even though my eyes still stung a bit. She pulled the camera strap off her shoulder and stood awkwardly, aiming the camera at us. I did my usual small smile and posed along with everyone else.
"Sorry but could you move a bit closer?" She asked Taehyung, who was hanging off the side.
"And could he stand next to him?" She pointed at Jimin and me.
Without looking at each other, Jimin reluctantly stood to my side. A strange aura quickly wafted over me and I wondered if he or the other members could feel it too. Jimin stood next to me but he left enough space that we didn't touch.
The photographer quickly snapped the picture and as soon as she said the photo came out well, Jimin immediately walked off.
Guilt overwhelmed my body but couldn't let it show today. I shoved my hands in my pockets and I would deal with Jimin later.
***

"Are you ready?" Jungkook grabbed me by the shoulder and I awoke from my daze.
"Huh? For what?" I ask. I make eye contact with his slightly concerned expression and I almost questioned why he looked like that. My eyes focused onto his make up and nice suite jacket. I then realized my stupidity.
"You okay? You seem kinda...out of it." He asks and I instinctively shake my head.
"I'm fine. I'm just nervous. I didn't get much sleep last night either."
He nodded his head slowly, "Well don't worry. C'mon this way, we're going to do our chant soon."
I followed Jungkook to the backstage where the rest of the members waited, including Jimin.
The roaring sound of applause and cheers filled my ears.
The MC continued to introduce us to the crowd while Namjoon proceeded to yell to us over the crowd.
He signaled us to scoot closer together. I stood between Hoseok and Jin but Jimin stood right across from me. I just stared down at his glossy black dress shoes.
"Guys, we're going to kill it today. I'm so proud of this group and we've made it to our second Billboard appearance. I have no doubt we'll continue to grow after today. Again, I'm so proud of you guys and that we made it here. Let's bring it in."
Bangtan! Bangtan! Bang Bangtan!
I plug in my in-ears and we wait patiently for the MC to introduce us. We didn't have to wait long.
I take the few precious seconds to slide next to the man who has been avoiding me all day. I pat him on his back.
"Let's do good today."
He's not done plugging in his in-ear so he definitely could hear me but he doesn't look at me.
I don't let it worry me right now. For now, my only challenge is the stage in front of me.
It seemed as though Jimin was going to turn around to say something to me but as his head moved,
"BTS!"
And without a second thought, our feet moved to the stage. Bright light immediately fill our eyes and it's hard to make out the audience after the first row.
I'm fine with that because it helps me get rid of nerves. Our iconic song Boy With Luv plays and cheers are heard through my in ears.
I successfully make it through the performance without a single mistake. Even Halsey did a great job. I guessing no one else made a large mistake either because everyone was laughing and smiling afterwards.
"That's it!" Taehyung yells cheerfully after we're all in the green room again. He has the biggest box smile on his face.
"We're not done yet," Namjoon says and quickly alerts us to get a move on to the door. "We have to sit through the nominations."
We all get up without a sound. We don't want to groan because that'll be rude but we all wanted to do it.
As we duck and cower to not bring attention to ourselves to our seats, we get a couple "good job"s and "you did amazing"s by other celebrities. I make sure to thank all of them.
I take my seat next to Jungkook and right in front of Jimin.
We all try our best to nod along when everyone else does and laugh when we understand a joke. The best parts were the performances in between the awards. Even in America, people were so talented. Everyone stands like it's party during the performances. I get a little envious, wishing this also happened in Korea.
We clap so much for the artists that my hands start to hurt.
"What's the next one..?" I hear Jungkook whisper to Namjoon after almost every other category. I keep my ears peeled to overhear what he says.
"This one's Top Group/Duo." Namjoon replies.
"That's our category..."Jungkook looks up at the stage with hope.
I look around and so are the other members. It's true, the award calls our name but I try not to get too hopeful, in case we don't actually win. Logically, we are a foreign group in a foreign land where the culture is completely different. I wouldn't be surprised if we were just brought here to bring in an international crowd.
The two MCs crack some jokes about a limousine and then they start to announce the nominees.
Panic! At the Disco, Maroon 5, Dan+Shay, Imagine Dragons and of course, BTS.
I bite my lip in anticipation as the woman starts to unfold the letter that says the winner.
"I wonder who it is...I wonder who it is..." she taunts into the mic.
The rustling of the paper is heard throughout the entire stadium. It seems as though the whole crowd holds their breath. I hear a couple people yell group names as if to manifest the win.
Finally, the paper is out the envelope. With a loud booming voice and smile, she turns the paper, revealing the winner to the crowd.
"And the winner is...BTS!"
Adrenaline rushes through me but I make sure I seem to keep calm. Of course Namjoon does all the talking on the stage. I feel this overwhelming joy wash over me I can't help but crack a smile a couple of times.
Up on that stage and towards the huge crowd, I see so many glowing white specks in the audience. For a second I can't make out what these glowing specks are. Namjoon talks for a while but my vision seems to be keen on these glowing white balls. I take a look to an orb closer to the stage. I realize that the white glow I was staring at was an Army Bomb. All these glowing specks were Army Bombs. I chuckled and looked down at my shoes, suddenly feeling the urge to shed a tear.
However, I keep my composure because crying in front of people is not really my thing. I walk off the stage with my members and a large smile on my face.
***

After the long ceremony, we got back to our hotel at like 1am and did our group livestream. We thanked our fans and we talk about how grateful we were to accept this award. It only lasted for about 15 minutes and after it was off, I disappeared into my own room.   Most of the members stayed in there drinking together and sitting around a table of snack. However I was beat, finally the adrenaline was wearing off and I was ready to go back home.
I tore off my clothes and quickly showered. I did all my other steps before relaxing under the sheets of my bed. By the time I got in, it was almost 2. Our flight tomorrow left at noon. I had to wake up at 7 to prepare everything. That means I get almost a whole 5 hours of sleep, two more hours than what I normally get.
I'm turn to my side, my favorite position to sleep in and close my eyes. I'm one with my thoughts at last.
My mind takes me to the past. I relive the experience of standing on the stage earlier and sitting and watching the performances. I recount how out of breath I was after the performance and how I told myself I need to work out more. I go into specifics about how forced Jimin's expression was. He looked rested and calm but with just another second of inspection clearly shows that he was not in the mood to perform.
I scrunched my nose and wondered what he had tried to tell me before we went up on stage.
I shook my head, my eyes still closed.
Fuck, stop thinking about him weirdo.
I squeezed my eyes shut to block out anything about Jimin for now. He has no reason to linger into my train of thought for so long. My mind was like a house, a mansion with multiple door that led to other thought. However, at every turn, whenever I opened a new door, Jimin was always at the other side of it.
I would run to shut every door in the house but Jimin would then just appear through the windows.
My eyes popped open at the realization.
"I told myself I would deal with him later." I said to myself and almost started for the door.  I got stuck on whether I should pull my sheets off or not.
I lay in bed, undecided if I should go and explain my behavior from the other day to him. He did seem quite upset about it.
However, on the other hand, I didn't want to see him. No, I want to see and talk to him but I'm afraid of what would become of us after we talk. I know he would forgive me for ignoring him because he's just so nice. But I can't fathom to think how his kindness would make me feel all warm inside. It'll become all icky.
I let out a deep sigh, my fears have won over me once again. Maybe being scared makes me a pussy.
But I'd rather be a pussy than become the cause of a crumbling chain of events.
__