I can't say it but I love you

#9. Who Do You Love

JIMIN

I am absolutely terrified to go into rehearsal today. It's dress rehearsal, which means I'm in my outfit I will be in for tomorrow.
I pat down my simple suit and pick at my fingernails.
I've tried at least greeting Yoongi but he's barely acknowledging my presence.
I know he probably hates me after I almost...
I groan loudly at the thought.
"You okay?" Hoseok walks past me behind the stage.
I let out a sigh, "Yeah, just...nervous."
He nods and pats my shoulder, "Yup, I get that. But don't worry. You're Park Jimin. There was never a time where you looked bad on stage. You'll kill them tomorrow."
I try to smile but it probably doesn't look convincing. I selfishly wished Yoongi also would also give me a pep talk.
"Thank you Hobi." He walks off, waiting in the green room until our cue. I just sit in a random chair I found, while we all wait for Halsey to arrive.
I decide to waste time by scrolling through Twitter.
I shake my head, the members haven't updated our feed since I last posted that picture of Yoongi sleeping. How boring.
I open my camera roll to search for previously taken selfies. I decide to post on where I'm laying in my bed, my blanket covering half my smiling face. My pink hair is still able to peek out through the covers.
I look as if I've taken this photo drunk but I actually took it sober. It was the day after I had confessed to Yoongi.
I remember that day, I kept giggling like a little girl in my bed remembering how cool Yoongi acted after I confessed. He didn't let it bother him. He didn't let my love for him change his perception of me.
But that was like a month ago. Obviously he doesn't act like that now, it is my fault though.
I caption the picture:

Waking up to see Army
#Jimin #sleepy

It's a bit cringe but I post it anyways. The caption doesn't really matter, the picture does. Immediately, the post is bombarded with likes, comments and retweets. It's just the usual so I put my phone in my back pocket to let it marinate.
Beside me, I hear footsteps and talking.
I turn my head to the side to see Namjoon and Yoongi talking about the stage and is blocking some of the moves.
During all this, they're being filmed by our crew, most likely for our Bangtan Bombs. It would be a great time to jump into their conversation right now.
Yoongi can avoid me all he wants but he can't show his true feelings in front of the camera.
I mischievously scurry across the stage, trying to his behind Yoongi so he doesn't catch me in his peripheral.
The camera man takes notice of me and zooms a bit out.
"Boo!" I back hug Yoongi's shoulders but he doesn't react as much as I thought he would.
"Awe C'mon. Did you see me?" I asked playfully.
I waited for him to smile back and it came a little later than I thought, as if he was hesitating to.
"Yeah, I mean anyone can see you with this hair."
He pointed at my pink head.
"You should've jumped Joon, he got more scared than me. You should've seen his face."
Namjoon laughed, a bit embarrassed, "Well, I mean he did come out of no where. You just have eyes on the back of your head."
"No it's just that Jimin is so predictable."
I don't think I was predictable last night
Is what I wanted to say so badly but I just gave an exaggerated sigh and walked off with heavy shoes.

***

For the rest of rehearsal, my eyes couldn't help but continue to turn to Yoongi. I'd always go out of my way to try to steal a glance of him. It was like he had a constant spotlight on him, god he looked so fucking good in that suit.
However, looking was all I could do because he would not talk to me. Only when the cameras were on us was when we would exchange any words. It was strange and honestly it made me feel terrible. I was having a horrible fucking time.
But with Halsey and the rest of the members there, I couldn't let it show. The last thing I wanted right now was for one of the members to pull me over and ask me if I was alright.
I distracted myself by conversing with the other members.
"Man, I'm hungry." I said, "Namjoon, do you want to go get food later?"
He shrugged, "Maybe. I might have to produce more stuff later. It depends what time we finish though."
"I think this next run through is our last. It should be over soon."
We've only been doing this for about and hour and a half with plenty of small breaks in between. We all knew the choreography and we just needed to make sure our chemistry was good on stage, so the practice was light.
I felt a hand on my shoulder, "Man, Jimin your energy on stage looks amazing today, did something happen?"
Our manager walks into my view and I smile shyly.
"I guess I'm just extra fired up for tomorrow's show."
I hear loud laughing behind me and I see Halsey having a good time having a conversation with Yoongi. They're talking about something but I couldn't only hear Halsey's voice loud enough and it's hard to make up a conversation with a half you can't understand.
"I talked to Yoongi earlier and he was telling me about how he wants to collaborate with Halsey on a project." Manager said we both watched Yoongi smile at something she said.
"He says she's a cool person to talk to and I think they have similar aspirations about their music."
I want to escape from this conversation.
"Oh uh, sorry my phone is ringing. I think it's my mom." I walk away with the phone to my ear as if I'm talking to someone.
Instead, I just sit in the corner of the rehearsal room and hope no one notices me until the end of the break.
My life doesn't revolve around Yoongi, I know that much. But his actions are so bipolar. I held my head in my hands, hair ruffled.
I continue to stare at him, continuing to talk with a smile. I selfishly wanted him to notice how I felt and come sit next to me. I could make him more chatty and laugh more than anyone can. Alas, he didn't come to sit next to me and he didn't even notice I was sitting by myself.
I touch my SoulMark which feels like its meaning is continuously depreciating between us.
My fingers fondle with the skin on the back of my neck as I observe like an outsider. Maybe I've had been mistaken this entire time. Maybe we are meant to just be friends. Maybe I just "liked" him because he was there and it was convenient.
The rest of the day was a blur, I don't even remember if I talked to Halsey. That's something I felt really bad for. But it bothered me that Yoongi talked to her the most. It also bothered me how I was bothered by how Yoongi talked to her the most.
I went to sleep that night really thinking back to my confession.
My heart palpitated so fast that day, it practically echoed off the walls and mirror of the studio.
But right now I'm laying in bed, wondering if it's time now to just let it all go. It's obvious he doesn't like me. Maybe, all along, I never truly loved him.

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