I can't say it but I love you

#8. I Wanna Be Yours

YOONGI

Tonight, I was planning to take off my makeup and take a long hot shower. Tonight I was planning to make a few beats, revise old ones and maybe come up with some lyrics. Tonight I was supposed to sleep early since we have our final rehearsal tomorrow.
However, I instead took a short shower and had to wear pajamas that were fit for the camera and not just boxers. I was already against with the idea of Vlive-ing with Jimin and when I got back to the hotel, my tiredness just cemented itself. But because Jimin had to fucking say his shit to a live camera interview, it would be a bad show to not do the live.
Even if I'm ignoring Jimin and even if I'm tired, I could do thirty minutes.
I walk down the hallway to Jimin's room after I'm done feeling clean. I knock and I hear his voice inching closer. It sounds as if he's already live and talking to the camera.
The door swings open and my suspicions were right.
"It's Suga!" He says with way too much energy for 10pm.
I shyly wave and smile at the camera as if I'm not a public figure.
"Hello army, how're you tonight?" I ask as I walk in.
Jimin already had a table set up with his dinner and two chairs. I sat at one of them while Jimin tried to balance the phone against a water bottle so we were both shown on the screen.
"Are we doing a mukbang? What's with all this food?" I ask scooting forward a bit.
He looks at the ceiling in thought, "I guess you could call it that. I was just feeling hungry after all that dance practice."
I don't mention how it's weird that he would eat at this time. It's not that late per se, but with the BBMAs literally in two days, Jimin is definitely being cautious about his weight.
"Let's eat," he says with a smile and opens his disposable chopsticks. He shovels down some noodles while I struggle to break my chopsticks open.
He barely eats more than that first bite for the rest of the live. His mouth does more talking than eating. He loves talking to army and pretending like he doesn't know he's hot. There's probably someone making an edit of him right now. Even though he speaks to army while I slurp up the noodles he doesn't eat, he tries to pull me into interactions with him and Army.
I guess he notices I'm being too quiet and letting him do all the talking because mid-stream, he walks over to the mini fridge. He grabs a couple beers and walks over. I had been a bit tense during the whole 30 minutes or so. It's probably best to drink little to lighten up the mood. Just because I know Jimin asked me here as a "date" doesn't mean I have to ignore our fans.
I wasn't planning on drinking but somehow a can ends up in my hand. It's empty in just a few short minutes. Another half is downed as well. Id like to think I could hold my liquor well, especially beer. But I guess my drowsiness along with the alcohol was making me extra loopy.
Jimin finally says something to the camera but my mind is slowly leaving the conversation.
"...thank you for watching Army. I'm really looking forward to the BBMA performance so I hope you enjoy that when it comes out..."
He says something else and then he allows me to say my goodbyes to the camera. I wave like I did at the beginning and the live is shut off after a whole 50 minutes.
I immediately slump back in my seat and habitually take another sip of the beer.
"Are you tired?" He asks as he starts putting the food and camera away.
"Fuck yeah." I reply. "I might even fall asleep right here. My beds too far."
I would've fell asleep on the chair except for how hard it was against my back. Jimin also sat back down next to me after cleaning everything up.
"What you think of the food? Was it good?" He asks as he also took a sip of a newly opened can of beer. It must've been his 3rd or 4th.
I placed my hand on the van before his lips touched it, "Don't drink anymore." I said, "You drank so much tonight. We still have work tomorrow."
I waited for him to pour but instead he smiled.
"It's okay, this beer barely has any alcohol in it. Now move your hand, before I kiss it."
He started to lean down with his lips puckered.
I try to rip both my hand and the can away from his grasp but he hold tightly to the drink.
"Jimin!" I yell as I feel beer splashing onto my hand. We both continued our fight.
"Bro you're so gay!" I say in between laughs.
"I think it's more gay that you won't let go! Why won't you let go? Do you want a kiss on the hand? Or maybe you want a kiss on the lips?"
As we fought for the can, my hand shrank into my body. Jimin's face came closer and closer to mine and I had to lean away.
"No you dumbass! Give me the can!" To my surprise, he suddenly lets go. I make an embarrassment sound as beer gets all over my shirt and face.
I hear a snort.
"Shut the fuck up." I say as I swiftly look around for some napkins.
"Here," Jimin pulls some out from his pocket and starts wiping my shirt. "Shit, your face was so funny when I let go."
He continued to wipe but his giggles made him limp and not a good wiper. He leans in closer to wipe my face.
"Could you wipe any slower?" I ask sarcastically but he really started to wipe slower. "Bitch."
He let out more of his cute drunk giggles.
"Dude what's taking you so long, why're you wiping just one part of my face?" I almost snatch the tissue from him.
I watch as his face started to blush and his eyes avert from my mouth.
"Oh," I don't say anything else. The room becomes tense. Our faces are close enough but we're scared to look into each others eyes. At least I am.
I feel the constricting feeling I had in my chest while in that van again. He's too close.
"I can wipe off the rest myself," I say and his eyes slowly come back to meet me.
I put my hand up to grab the tissue but he doesn't give it to me.
"I'm gonna go to my room and change soon so uh, Jimin?" His hands that were once falling from my chest were now sliding their way up to my cheeks. One held the back of my neck in an intimate embrace. I could feel his touch on my SoulMark. His face was red, either from alcohol or embarrassment. However it was slowly leaning in.
My mind couldn't stop. My heart was beating like a drum in my chest. My head couldn't possibly lean back any further.
For a half a second, as Jimin's lips edged closer and closer to mine, I wondered if I should just let this happen. But that half a second was a half a second of one of the worst ideas I've ever conceived.
I quickly placed my hand between his lips and mine and he kissed my palm. My chest heaved and my eyes were wide.
"Oh my god I'm...I'm sorry." Jimin slowly backs off.
I want to smile and tell him it's okay but it's not. I feel anger that Jimin would try such a stunt. I want to yell at him for actually trying to kiss me, what if someone walked in? We would both be kicked out of BTS immediately. My rage continued to grow and I was ready to make him regret it.
However, I knew deep down, I could yell all I wanted to but it wouldn't change the situation.
"I...Im gonna go to sleep. Goodnight Jimin." I get up quickly and start walking in silence to the door.
"Wait Yoongi." I stop in my tracks but I don't turn to face him. I awaited his response after a long pause.
"Goodnight," his voice was a shaky whisper, "I hope you liked the food."

I retreated to my room without another word. For the first time in a long time, I laid in my bed without doing my nighttime routine. I wanted to sleep but I couldn't with the loud thumping of my heartbeat.
I could hear it like bass booms in a song. I tossed and turned for what felt like hours and the rare few minutes I slept, I was awaken again.
I would wake up to the image of Jimin, his face so up close, his lips slightly ajar and puckered. His cheeks were slightly pink from the alcohol and he cradled my neck carefully.
I held tightly onto my neck as if my SoulMark would peel right off like a sticker. I told myself I had to wait this out. I knew, once Jimin finally realizes I don't like him back, he will stop trying. I told myself this over and over but I wouldn't fall asleep.
Finally around 3am, Jimin stopped running in my mind and I started to doze off.
That night I dreamt of the story of Romeo and Juliet. My mind graphically depicted their deaths. Juliet  stabbed the sword into her chest and Romeo drank the poison. Both lay dead, because their love wasn't strong enough to keep them alive.

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