-inspired by "The View Between Villages" by Noah Kahan
-suicidal actions if you squint (DNI if you are or could be triggered by this)
-just general angst
-jj being a sweetheart
-cussing?
-passing of a pet
*this is just straight angst that nobody asked for except for me :D*
-your perspective-
Air in my lungs 'til the road begins
As the last of the bugs leave their homes again
And I'm splittin' the road down the middle
For a minute, the world seems so simple
I finish giving my pets and kisses to Bella, my 9-year-old Golden Retriever. Her fur is silky smooth under my fingers, and her kisses make me want to stay forever. But, I walk out of my middle-class house on the edge of the Cut and Figure 8. I didn't fit in anywhere. I was too Kook for the Pogues and too Pogue for the Kooks. My parents both worked but didn't go overtime. I was privileged, and always had food on the table and new clothes, but never the expensive and trendy stuff the Kooks had. I was right in the middle--the in-between.
I walk my light blue bike out the edge of my driveway and take a deep breath to look around. The waves from the clear ocean crashing on the shore in my backyard, the white, fluffy clouds filled the bright, blue sky, and the trees danced in the wind that went perfectly with the warm sun. And somehow, in this paradise, I feel empty. I'm missing something deep in my heart, but it's something I don't know of.
To my left, a straight road to the Cut through the forest, and to my right, bubble wrap houses with pools and docks that lead to yachts.
I don't fit in. I never have, I never will.
I do know one person. One person that makes me feel happy--JJ. He invited me to the chateaux to hang out for the afternoon. We met when I was stupidly high and standing on the edge of a bridge about to jump. That was last year. Now, we'd hung out a couple of times and he's my best friend.
I bike over and see him sitting on the porch with a beer. His face lights up when he sees me and walks over to greet me.
"Hey, bug." His smile reaches his eyes. He grabs onto my waist and we walk to the kitchen.
"Want a beer?" JJ asks, opening the fridge. "No, I'm okay. Thanks." I reply and instead opt for a Coke.
Feel the rush of my blood, I'm 17 again
I am not scared of death, I've got dreams again
It's just me and the curve of the valley
And there is meanin' on earth, I am happy
We relax on the porch, watching the birds hunt in the marsh. JJ and I sprawl out on the couch, his legs on the coffee table with mine overtop his. He's talking shit about teachers or people he saw recently and making jokes all the while.
I feel alive. I haven't laughed in a while. I haven't felt this happiness in too long. It'd been more than two months since we hung out. Finally, my heart feels full and nothing but joy fills me to the brim of contentment. I am happy. I belong somewhere.
I start dreaming of what it would be like to have just one full day with JJ right by my side. How happy I feel can almost compare to the bliss you feel when you get high.
JJ and I keep talking, the conversation never coming down from its peak. We had to have been there for hours. I had no doubt, no sadness, no anger when I was here. Right here. JJ and I cuddling and talking about whatever. This is where I fit in.
The sun has just dipped below the horizon when I get the call. JJ stops talking and I see my mom's card appear on my phone.
"Hey, Mama," I answer.
"Baby, where are you?" She asks. Panic laces her voice which causes me to worry. "I'm with JJ, what's going on?"
I hear her talking to Dad before taking a deep breath.
