a Story

a Story III

May 29th 2023:
They told me yesterday to go out and walk, and my mom walked with me. She thought my angry and no talking attitude is caused by the stress of exams, little did she know that this is not the cause, the cause is that girl, and damn I fell hard for her.
May 30th 2023:
I do not feel motivated at all, I cannot work anymore, I can't sleep at night, I feel tired, I just want this to finish, I'm not feeling happy or sad, just void-ness, nothing more, nothing less.
June 1st 2023:
I might tell her today and get over it, because I know certainly that this is one sided, and I'm the one dreaming of something that might happen in the future.
I don't know what to do, but I know that there is one solution, and I'll let fate decide it.
June 2nd 2023:
I feel so low right now, nothing went according to plan today, nothing at all, the decision was taken, and I'm back with that habit, cutting my chest, over and over again, I'll let blood flow over my skin as I cut it, that's the next level after just turning my skin to a reddish space with few openings.
June 5th 2023:
I'm trembling with stress, tomorrow is the most important day, I worked hard for it, cried for it, didn't sleep nights for it, I am prepared, I will go there, get that exam finished, and my first step to the future will be guaranteed.
I already can't sleep with the stress, and now, A FUCKIN MOSQUITO IS FLYING OVER MY HEAD, I'M SEARCHING FOR IT AND I CAN'T FIND IT, WHAT COULD GO WORSE.
June 10th 2023:
Now that I have ended the exams, I feel very empty, I thought I can tell her how much she means to me, but here I am, lonely, listening to this song, which makes me feel lonelier, how ironic that my old pseudo was mr_lonely, and I changed it to MrNotAlone, but I'm still alone, I feel alone, I just want her to tell me that it's going to be OK, but will she ever send a message? Ever?
She started yelling again, why? Because the living room is in a mess, I told her I'll tidy that shit, but she kept yelling, yelling, yelling, and now I'm angry, I think of killing her right now, finish her off, she said I make her suffer, alright, die, and that suffering will end, but me, I still want to live, if you want me to leave I won't, I worked so hard for these moments, so much for this peace, do not take it away from me, or I will end up doing a fucking genocide, you think I'm crazy right? I might be crazy, but I'm sane enough to know that what I'm thinking now is bad, very bad, so bad that I will end up having 23 consecutive death sentences.
So I am the bad guy right now, I'm the one looking at the others with those wolf's eyes, they made me look like that, why are they complaining now? They should be leaving me alone for a while, I did a lot of work, I want some peace, alone.
June 12th 2023:
I have calmed down since that day, all I'm thinking of right now is her, and it hurts, I really wanted to be by her side, share my life with her, but she doesn't want to, I won't force her, I don't want to be that kind of person. I respect her decision and I'll walk away, it's not that I will be ignoring her, but I'll keep walking her home if I have the chance, I don't want something bad to happen to her on her way home, so I'll be there in case, and if she changes her mind about me, I'll always be taking care of her. And no I didn't tell her about my feelings, and I think she already knows it, yeah I'm quite stuck here.
June 13th 2023:
Can I find a way so I can't think about her anymore, I know really well she doesn't love me back, she doesn't think about me like I do every day, love is really the most twisted curse of them all, I'm here suffering from this curse, asking myself, '' how is she living right now? She is happy? Sad? Is she still zoning out like she did in class? Do I bother her? Did she notice that I love her? Do I need to keep fighting for her? '' I honestly feel very low, so low, that just a message from her will bring back my happiness, but this is just a dream, an awful one.
June 15th 2023:
I wanted today to go to the cinema with my friends, they told me that there is possibility, but they may not be able to join, so I decided that either way I'm going to go watch a movie, but this father of mine thought otherwise. He kept insisting on letting my sister joining me and asking me each time ''did your friends decide on coming or not? ''. I'm not on good terms with my sister for the moment, and he did this to make sure we stay ''brother and sister ''. He did that by yelling at me, my sister, and my mom, funny right?
Now he is trying to get this shit together, I appreciate him for that, but I can't forget the disrespect and tyranny he used on me, I just need to keep my balance, between being cold with my father, and being a really obedient son. I feel the pain of keeping this balance, but eventually I will win, I will finish with a gain, right?
June 17th 2023:
I feel so low, I don't know what to do with her, I will keep my feelings for myself, that's my decision, and if she comes up to me, and says something like, I like you, I will tell her, I no longer like you, that's it.
June 18th 2023:
I'm sick of this, it hurts, my heart is going wild, it will burst out of my chest in any minute, I just want not to think of anything at all, I want the void I had back then, this shit really hurts a lot, sleep doesn't heal anymore, I only feel pain, what's happening, what the hell is happening with me, am I going insane, my head hurts again, I need sleep, help.
It did not get any better, I don't want to die, not yet, I didn't tell her yet, it hurts a lot, help me, please.
June 19th 2023:
So my dream of getting a good grade is gone, this system of teachers is bad, very bad, I hate this country, every inch of it, there are good people that don't deserve this life, I want this country to burn and to be torn apart.
June 25th 2023:
You may have noticed how I'm not committed in the writing of this diary, I write here when my emotions, negative ones, burst out. For instance, on the 21st and 24th of this month, I attended both me and my friends end of high school ceremony, I was happy those days, and I didn't write anything. Today, my father wanted to talk with me, I told him about my trauma (he caused it) that caused me to seal my thoughts in a box, he told me that HE was right, and he did that so I stick to reality. He thought it helped, it did not, at all.
She yelled at me, kept telling me that I'm screwing up my life, and that she got her life fixed and everything, and the only person who is going to screw up all what she had done, is me. I told you that I write emotional burst, nothing more.