a Story

a Story V

July 27th 2023:
This is morning, and I just woke up to them fighting again, why, well maybe because the author of these lines that you are reading has to finish some papers, but his dad is poor and doesn't have much money, and the pressure that his mom uses on the father made the former explode with rage and start yelling, if he doesn't want to help me with this, no problem, I'm tired of this yelling.
July 28th 2023:
Someone died today, he got struck by electricity, blood came out of his mouth, and people tried to save him but made things worse, this is my first day here after a while, a pretty good sign huh, I feel angry, people use this death, for their own purposes, kids and adults, this is not going to end well here, at all.
July 31st 2023:
It has been three days since the tragedy, I invited my friend to come yesterday, we had fun a lot of fun, played football, we've been swimming. Today a friend of mine came here, she's a good person, well educated, a hard worker at school, and I had feelings for her the last summer, it feels quite strange seeing her again, but with all what happened, I don't think I'll feel the same ever again. Love isn't for people like me, I love too hard, show a lot of affection, I'm just too caring, it's not the time for me. To be completely honest with you my dear reader, this book does create sadness in my heart each time I write, I keep recalling memories, it hurts, a lot, and the only thing that keeps me and restrains me from stopping this, is my fear of death. '' Dying '' for me isn't quite how people see death, I see it as people forgetting who I am, who I was, and not remembering anything, this is my biggest fear, she knew it, and somehow managed to make it true. I can't forget, at all.
August 1st 2023:
Now, I think this is our farewell, I feel sad, angry, powerless, I can do nothing to tell them how happy I am to have them in my life, they help me in need, I do the same thing. Seeing them happy does make me happy, and if the farewell will make someone sad, then no farewell, just the smile on their faces will be the best last memory. Maybe I'll die on the next year, it's not that I'm sick, but I feel that death is close to me, watching me, and waiting for me to get my soul, that metaphorical noun that keeps the human alive. I thought I didn't have feelings anymore, that I won't be affected by any caring person ever again, guess this is my biggest lie yet. Now, time to sit and contemplate life.
August 2nd 2023:
Tomorrow, we will travel by plane, I'm not too excited but interested in that, since I'm always studying planes, making planes, it is a good opportunity for me to watch one closely, but not too much, since I'm the man in charge here, of my sister and my grandma. I'm too young for this, my dad checking up with me things, what to do or what not to do, it's sometimes confusing.
August 4th 2023:
We travelled by plane, it was very different than what I had imagined, I thought the plane will sound calm, that I will sit next to my family, but we didn't, the flight was somehow awful with all the sounds, crying baby, the ringing that I still don't know where it's from. Even going up and down got me nauseous, my head still hurts, but I'll sleep and maybe tomorrow I'll feel better, I thought this flight may go bad, I had this feeling, ominous feeling. My sister has been complaining now, I'm getting angry, more and more until I might explode, my angriness is scary, she should be aware of that, she should shut up and sleep.
August 5th 2023:
The family is gathered, all the family, elders and youngsters, I thought I knew people, that those people are now friends, but now they are sitting next to people they know, not me who they just met, lonely as hell, as always. It is lonely here, I'm all alone, by myself, made a friend, but, I don't know if he sees me as a friend, the last person I thought that sees me as a friend, saw me as a stranger, yes it still hurt, I can't forget, at all.
Why no one wants to talk to me, they ignore me, am I this despicable, I hate it, this feeling of loneliness, brings anger, and hate, now I'm done, I feel empty, only hate fuels the fingers that write this diary. I'm witnessing now an adult asking a Syrian child '' which country do you prefer, Syria or Morocco? ''. I'm not going to write here what I feel about this, somehow you already know, but I'll let you think about this, about this adult asking this question.
Sometimes I read all what I've written until now, I get tears each time, this saddens me, seeing that what hurt me months ago still hurts now, is this what people call trauma? I have no idea, but I'll keep writing, until I'm gone, until I'm dead.
August 7th 2023:
My parents are going this evening home, and we will stay here for the night, with our grandma and aunt. I don't have much to say now, just the regular sadness, maybe there is something, a sentence keeps popping up in my head, '' he disappeared, and he isn't the same anymore '', I don't feel the same, I changed, the past months did change how I see the world, people see me older than I actually am, I find it interesting how just by talking, you can see someone's past, compare it to the present, and think about potential futures.
August 9th 2023:
We're home now, we arrived yesterday at night, I feel exhausted. Yesterday, I tried to swim in the ocean there, it was outstanding, very beautiful, I would have loved to see someone I know there, because I kept swimming all alone. I have no idea when we will go back there, a friend of mine and his cousin are gone, I wanted to go there to meet them again, guess our farewell was indeed the farewell.
August 14th 2023:
I passed the last four days in my friend's house, it was very fun, I wanted to stay more, but he has to finish some things for the next year, he may come again here, and stay for two or three days. I met the son of my cousin for the first time, he is now 8 months old, I should have been there when he was born, it's as if I'm an uncle now, pretty funny right? I'm sitting now with my cousin, other cousin, the one I grew up with, we're having some laughs, I have this sadness now, it is not random, keep remembering the struggles of the last years, not like I lived much, it is just seventeen years, but these years are like an arrow that struck to me, and I have two choices, let it out, and die by loss of blood, or keep the arrow, let my bones grow around it, and make myself stronger, I'll gladly choose the second option, even if it will hurt more than anything I have felt till now.
Why do I keep remembering her? It just hurts when, what she first called a talent, treated it as a bad habit, I hate it, this wound is deep enough, but no tears anymore, nothing will come out of my eyes but a death stare, that is my conclusion for today.
August 15th 2023:
I just had a serious talk with my mother, about me preparing next year, about her hurting me sometimes with her words, the same about father, me having problems that are making me angry sometimes, a very serious talk, that I hope it will give good results in the near future.
August 16th 2023:
Nothing serious happened today, just me working in the morning, went out for a bit, slept a lot, and now sitting outside watching the swimming pool. I hope this day will end peacefully.
August 18th 2023:
That day ended peacefully, the same for the next day, today was a bit harsh because my sister doesn't want to get along, especially when the kid, my cousin's son, seems to like me more than her, which got her into a '' hysterical jealousy '', I'm scared for her, that girl is going to end up doing something very bad because of jealousy, and I'm the cause, again, the cause of it all, if only I can accelerate this slow disappearance of mine, so that no one suffers of my existence again. Shit, I got these dark ideas again, yes, I want to forget these ideas for now, I need to focus more on what's coming next, hoping for them to disappear this time, not me.
August 19th 2023:
Now this is not a peaceful day, I just started working, after I took my shower, until my mom burst out yelling to tidy up the house because of some guests are coming, I want to work, I want to feel that I did something useful. Now, I'm angry, I can't work peacefully. When my aunt, the one who brought them here, came, I told her in her ear to talk to us before making a decision that might hurt someone, now all the house is hating me for saying this. I don't think I did anything wrong, since when giving an advice is counted as a mistake, I'm not sorry for what I did, I gave an advice, because I was hurt, another person would have yelled, cursed, so what I did there is way better than what usually happens. Stop yelling at me, or something bad might happen, something very bad, so bad that no one, except me, can think of it.
A new sentence keeps popping up in my head, a line in a song, '' leave this fucked up place behind '', which I will try, disappear, go away, and never come back, no one is going to stop this, not even my best friends even if the three of them gathered, I'm still going, once and for all. Why am I in this state, good question, maybe confronting them with a harsh truth, that makes them remember how incompetent they were when they raised me, I feel like a mad man, I can laugh, cry, write, and think of a scenario where I disappear and no one finds me, all in the same time. I am crazy, I'm going now for the endless spiral of madness, my vengeance will drive me crazy, crazier than now. They told me to go back to that thoughtful, gentle and kind person, little did they know that I'm gone, a long time ago, and I will be kind the time I want, evil the time I want. Parents, you raised this child, this is your child, you did this, stop running away from it, or, you will end up with someone like me, who will think each time of throwing himself off a cliff, after doing a mass murder that will include you.
I breathe heavily again, it hurts, my nose is full, it's like the other day, this is anger fueling my lungs, I am angry, I can't calm down, I can't. I'm going to end someone, I'm going to end someone, I'm going to end someone.
August 21st 2023:
We went to the zoo today, got out and eat, it was very fun, they somehow calmed the problems, I'm somehow happy, not too much, but dopamine is running in my veins, I feel, good. I started talking English, they are indeed surprised, very funny.
August 22nd 2023:
Today is my friend's birthday, I have no idea if he will get a birthday party, his parents got him a pretty expensive gift, so maybe they won't do that, I didn't meet his parents this summer, it is quite strange, I hope this won't affect my relationship with him or his parents, I'm a socially awkward person, so starting a conversation with them by just meeting them randomly doesn't feel right, maybe today we'll talk.
I started reading a manga about a climber, the climber, in chapter 21, they said something that, hit the nail for me, wherever I go, things go wrong with people.
They are gathered with people I don't like, they are still there and left me, I don't blame them, this is the course of action in life, I cannot interfere, since being alone is the only thing I'm used to.
August 23rd 2023:
They give me looks that hurt, that tell, don't come near us, hating me this much, I am socially awkward, I can't start a conversation and continue it, it is like that day, I can't breathe, I feel tired, a lot, I really hate this feeling, I should learn how to make these feelings disappear, being a heartless person, even if it means ending up alone, is surely a good thing, right?
My dad came back, I had a fight with him before he left last time, don't want to go out of this room, saying angrily '' I could have hit you '', why you didn't, afraid? Coward? You're my dad, but an irresponsible dad, you drag others in your mistakes, that's not what a responsible person does, moreover a father.
August 26th 2023:
I came back from our summer vacation home, I feel tired, since the last two days were spent on the beach, and I didn't stop swimming for three hours straight, it is indeed a good ending. Even the sunset today was beautiful, if we come back, it would be like a post-credit scene, I'll meet with old friends, say goodbye, and then disappear, the author will not return.