a Story

a Story IV

June 26th 2023:

I've always thought I screwed up, that I'm a failure, but here I am, I'm accepted in this school, on the main seats, I'm very happy, very happy, I didn't feel this happiness for so long.

June 29th 2023:

People never wondered why I always want to be friend with them, always close to them, always special to them, simply, it's because I know how replaceable I am, they can easily find someone else to befriend, but me, only the fact that I might never see them hurts me so much that I want to die, why does she not feel this, maybe because she already has a lot of friends, best friends, happiness, I have a few, a handful, and I can lose them anytime, just the fact that maybe in 8 years she will marry someone else hurts me, seems ridiculous right, I know, I'm just a big asshole dreaming of love but cannot even help himself, I really want someone to love me back as much as I love them.

I'm still wondering, that day when we travelled to Marrakesh, and had that accident, why I didn't die, why I couldn't just pass out that day, why couldn't something get into my eye I let it open during that accident, is god wanting me to stay alive? what am I still going to give to this world? am I really that good person people see? I'm still wondering.

Do I really deserve this death that I'm always dreaming of? Do I deserve this salvation? I feel really low, and that person has no idea, as usual.

June 30th 2023:

They called me sick, mentally ill, a cunt who doesn't listen to what's said, but why? Maybe because I didn't like the part where they started to talk about asking my best friend for work from his next school, which is better than mine, it's basically using him for my own purposes, using my friendship for growing, and that's not the definition of friendship that I have in mind, we are growing both, and helping each other, not taking from one side, that's being pragmatic, and if they are like that, no wonder they don't have friends to hang out with.

July 2nd 2023:

I'm getting tired of this nonsense, if I don't sleep, you need to sleep later, but now, if I don't sleep, it's good, since that's what I'll be doing for the next 5 years as they say, they never have been through this, they only heard this, and yet they make it their strongest belief. The only love I got by my parents had the form of '' praising '', I do good, I get praised, I feel loved, but now I didn't get praised, which I understand because of the failure I am, so I don't feel loved, if a girl praises me as an act of kindness, I may fall in love for her, which happened, and now I'm stuck, again, again, and again. You see, this right here is nonsense, I've been writing this nonsense for more than three months, which amplifies the nonsense that resides in my brain, and gets me crazier over time. Even cutting my chest isn't worth it anymore, I feel like I should go for a no eating program that will surely get me killed in the next days, but I can't do that too, they keep saying either I eat or I get my ass beaten, they still beat an 18-year-old, funny right.

July 3rd 2023:

It seems that I can finish an exam very quickly, but sadness still overcomes my feelings, I'm not seeing the void anymore, I'm feeling it, I think that, if this little automatic muscle of mine that keeps me alive breaks once again, I'm not going to be the same, all the failure that I had accumulated during my lifetime will rest on my shoulders, and healing myself once again won't be possible, coincidence love is meant to hurt, always, always.

I don't think I should bring her name here, if someone reads this, they will suspect her for something, I don't want to hurt her, but I'm feeling like I do it, and that she sees me as someone who just keeps hurting, I'm not like that, I never wanted to be seen like that.