April 28th 2023:
To get this straight, yes I mutilate myself, yes I cut my chest each time I have the chance, by the way when I end this I'll go cut my chest again. My head today was doing a full analysis of my relationship with her, and it's a fucking mess, my head now is yelling and screaming at my heart, the troublemaker. I guess love isn't for people like me, we stay in the shadows, always forgotten, that's how it was, how it is, and how it will always be, I sure hope death comes near, even if I know I can't handle that feeling, I can't see it coming, I want it, because it is a peaceful rest, I feel an urge to cut myself right now, this might be the third time this afternoon.
April 29th 2023:
I've seen yesterday people talking about how immortality in this world is a curse, because you see your loved ones die, you see everything you knew change, and your heart keeps getting broken. And I suggest a simple solution, don't attach your life with people, even if you love them and all you want is to be by their side, laughing and hanging out together, you should forget all that. Let's say you wake up with an ominous feeling, you say '' nah it's nothing ''. Few years later, you see that you didn't change a bit, then you recall all the times you were near death, looking at it right in the eye, but didn't flinch, that's when you understand that you're immortal, and automatically you should cut all ties, everybody needs to hate you so you get forgotten easily, and then start the new life without clinging to others and wanting to be with them, immortality needs loneliness so that its user can remain sane, it's a pretty easy solution, you just need to stick to the plan and nothing more. Forget all means of friendship, and erase love from that mind of yours, because, even if you feel that love and you are very happy, no one knows what the other side is thinking about you, so stay lonely if you want to remain a sane immortal.
May 1st 2023:
Why do I love her? I have tears in my eyes but I don't want to cry like a fucking kid, I'm done with those tears, I guess I'll follow someone's advice, ask her out, and probably get embarrassed, I have one life, right, or I will regret it for years, I just want to her to feel the same as me but that's impossible, love isn't for people like me.
May 2nd 2023:
I finally fulfilled my promise, I bought her something to eat, but what now, I feel empty, my goal achieved, ask her out? Impossible, she doesn't like me, or even think of me as a romantic interest, I'm nothing more than just an acquaintance, I should go back to the life I know of, study, no girls, no love, just one goal, be the first, I got to get back to this way of life.
May 4th 2023:
When I was a kid, I was always afraid of the dark, when the lights turn off, I cannot open my eyes in the darkness, a hideous monster is lurking there, waiting for my eyes to meet his, to tear apart my limbs from my body. But now I feel peace in this darkness, as if I befriended that hideous monster, because his monstrous appearance was what made me afraid of him, but when I knew him, he was a broken one, needing help, he cannot be fixed, but wants someone to talk to, that's when I realised, that monster was me, I'm what my younger self was afraid of, this ugly and broken creature clinging to the past, wishing for the innocence that it once had, that's me.
May 14th 2023:
Nothing changes, no matter what you do, no matter how you feel, no matter how you look, nothing changes, you see, even trying harder is a waste of time, because hardships are all what you get, so trying harder won't get you anywhere, you already know the difficulty of those hardships. I made a mistake, and I'm still paying the price, loving someone is the worst mistake someone can make, you become vulnerable to anything, even seeing that person happy with someone else, when you thought you are a special person to her, that's a hard pill to swallow, you'll feel finally alone, lonely, and all you know will just be loneliness, so, an advice for people reading this shitty lines, don't you dare love someone, because it will mean one and only thing, your endless sadness.
I realised today how I'm much I'm replaceable, just like a tool, I can be used to help others, fill the group, nothing much like a friend, I have that one friend that still talks to me, and keeps me somehow sane, just the thought of remembering that person's existence each time restrains me from digging the knife in my gut, because if I did, that person will do the same thing, and I don't want my death to lead to someone's death, especially that person. When we were young, we said that talking to yourself is the first sign of madness, at this rate, I'll be the craziest of them all, with other millions people having the same thing, I guess that my sanity is related to that person's existence, that person's death is the start of my endless madness cycle, my hands can't stay straight, it's hard, having all these feelings in a mere teenager's mind, my childhood was good, I hope I can go back there.
May 16th 2023:
I realised how much I mean nothing to her, I bought her today something and she didn't like that saying ''it's annoying ''. It hurts, I just want to make happy memories about this year, especially that this specific year kept hurting me over and over again, I just wanted to be happy with her, why is sadness and loneliness the only things that keep lurking in my shadow. But I can't cry, I can't, I won't, that's it, angriness is the one in control now, that's way better that those two pathetic feelings.
May 21st 2023:
I feel strange today, it's like when I'm afraid of doing something, my stomach hurts, yet my bpm isn't high. The first word that comes through my mind when I sit and think about this feeling is '' losing ''. Am I afraid of losing? But losing what? Losing her? Like forgetting about her, or lose this friendship that I built over the past years? What the hell is happening?
May 23rd 2023:
I was very sick yesterday, my stomach hurt like hell as if drank a lot of acid, I almost vomited in the morning. My friend told me that she loved me, but, I can't love her, if I do her future is in danger, she might lose everything she had built till now, for this twisted curse.
YOU ARE READING
a Story
Non-FictionThis book was started by a seventeen-year-old guy, who found peace in writing books, and rage in the same time, writing this story until now did give him tears he didn't want, memories he wanted to forget, and feelings he wanted them to disappear. T...
