a Story

a Story VIII

April 17th 2024:

My plans are destroyed, I cannot execute them for a while, a misunderstanding happened because of my sister, and now money usage is also being somehow controlled, for now I am indeed stuck here, I hate this, I should wait more I guess.

April 18th 2024:

I recently have talked to certain girl in my class about my problems at home, she seemed pretty interested and wanted to check up on me regularly. But now we don't talk much, like barely, and I don't know what should I consider her, a friend? Since she knows a lot about what happens at home, an acquaintance? since we don't talk much, I am confused when it comes to social interactions, I do not have the knowledge nor the experience to this world, my brain was limited to studies and making friends, but I do not know how to keep these friends, I do fear that I will lose them overtime, but everything is meant to be lost, even life, which makes my decision making even harder, why should everything be hard in this life, why not have something easier, a bit less complicated. Maybe if I were to start over again it will be easy, but how? There is no such thing as reincarnation in our world, and I can't transfer this soul of mine to another baby, it already has a soul. Maybe a fetus still underdeveloped may contain the data I have stored during my lifetime.But such tests are strictly prohibited, impossible to perform, and may send me to prison for a while. But I need to try, a chance to start everything over again is something I have dreamed of for many years, I must find a way to reach this new purpose, it will definitely save me.

April 23rd 2024:

I feel lost, I do not know what I should do anymore, everything seems important, yet nothing is, it is as if my mind is divided, as if two personalities are battling each day, and none of them makes a decision, I am lost. A sentence keeps popping up in my head lately, "what would you do for love?", I have already done what I can, sacrificed what I can, protected what I can, and yet love wasn't reachable, it was still faraway, and it still is, and I think it will be for a while. I cannot love anymore.

I have an urge to cut something down, an urge to destroy something, an urge to bring something down to chaos, I wonder if I bring that home-made katana with me, will I be able to use it on something? Someone? For the latter I'd rather use my fists, it definitely feels better, livelier ,but I wonder if I can cut someone with it deep enough to kill them, if it is the case, I should start swordsmanship, it will definitely make me feel better.

April 27th 2024:

I talked to them about the potential severe punishment I might get if I disappear completely from the dorms, they didn't like that, and reminded me that I am nothing but liar, a careless son, so now, they will see what a real careless son is, the plan starts tomorrow, no more yelling, just me and the road, beautiful. I'll go bleed my chest while I'm at it.

April 30th 2024:

Working today with my friends was similar to a therapy session, it felt good, I hope we can work again like that.

May 1st 2024:

Yesterday I convinced my mother to let me work with my friends as they helped me a lot with my problems, however, in the process she treated them as a bad company, I didn't like that, I hated her more because of it. Why does she keep judging people like? She surely had an awful past, but to keep judging people like that isn't what we should do, humans should see other people's behavior as a mere mistake, not an action fueled with evil, I'll always look at people like that, because even the worst people have good in them, and even the best people have evil in them. It's this duality that makes us humans, and we shouldn't neglect this aspect at all.

A friend of mine asked whether I like this girl in class, I work with her a lot and chat with her regularly, but the question is, do I love her? I do not think so, I had my fair share of love, it was quite sweet at first, but very bitter when everything ended so abruptly, and I do not want to feel like that again, that version of me still makes my eyes watery each time I read what I wrote back then, so that should not happen again, my heart can't bear another experience.

The song "All time low" is being played in my brain as I am writing now, with that famous "That I'm at an all-time low, low, low..." which is indeed where I see myself right now, I'm at the bottom, and I have no idea what can get me up to the surface once again.

May 2nd 2024:

The person I worked with recently gave me a look I knew, a look that reminded me of those awful signs, a look that may end everything that was built until now, it felt awful. Is this perhaps why I can't breathe properly right now? Is this, the fear, that I will lose someone again because of my foolish actions? I am really not good when it comes to social interaction, even a while ago I have mistaken a hand sign for a hand shake and I'm still embarrassed by it. I wonder, if I were to execute that plan this week-end, will I be able to overcome this fear, and every other fear that was deeply carved in my personality since I was born? I do know that with this move, this crucial and most important move in my life, everything will change,nothing will remain the same, each member of my family will see me differently, and I may as well be abandoned by them, for what will happen.

I am doomed with this loneliness and suffering, but I'll revolt, and take it as a blessing. Maybe she read something from here, something shocking enough to make her question herself whether she should befriend me or not. Or maybe she just used me as a tool to help her prepare for the exams, why do I keep seeking the good in people? Why do I keep convincing myself that there is good? I know that there is good, but is it enough to come outside that cold shell that is hiding? I'm wondering too.