a Story

a Story VII

April6th 2024:

It has been a while, to sum up what happened in the last few days, my parents won't let me stay in the dorms anymore, my father hates me even more, I may have lost everything, no lover, no family, no future, only death is still watching over me, I do not have a purpose in life anymore, because, are those dreams what I really want? Aeronautical engineer? A happy family? Living happily? I do not think this is what I want, I just want to die. I see it as my unique solution to my suffering, my struggle, my problems, death seems peaceful, compared to what I live in right now. I do feel the urge to choke myself, it is like feeling the need of something around your neck that keeps tightening. But, is also death what I really want? I do not know what to look for anymore, I am lost, I do not have any idea to use or goal to achieve, what do I really want to do? Maybe I should disappear and go on a journey to discover myself, but is this really what I want to do? This question keeps appearing each time I want to do something, but why? I never had this idea, as far as I remember, I always had a goal, no matter how small it was, I had an idea of what to do, now, I am only lost in thought, how did I end up like this, I hate this confusion, I hate this life, I hate everything.

I feel as if the whole world turned against me, that the world is my enemy, I am indeed going insane, I will, at this rate, lose my mental sanity in a few years, going crazy is a very possible outcome for me, a person with no goal in life, who would have thought the cheerful and happy kid will turn out like this.

April7th 2024:

How much is my life worth? I wonder how can we price a soul. The body, on a material plane, is definitely an easy matter, each organ can be sold and used, and you can get a lot of money by doing so. But a soul, that's a life, memories, experiences, wills, anything which isn't tangible, how can we evaluate that? How can I know how much I am worth? When I think of my "worth", I see it as a concept that changes according to how people will evaluate you. For instance, a close one will never think of putting a price to your soul, but a stranger will surely not care, and consider you worthless. So If you think that your soul priceless, does your family think the same? If not, that means they are strangers to you, as only strangers will put a price on your life, no matter how much money it is, it is a price, they turned all of your experiences, knowledge, feelings, into a mere product that can be sold and bought. So, what is the answer to this question? It will depend on who will answer it, there is no fixed answer, such matters are never permanent, nothing is permanent, even loops are bound to break.

April11th 2024:

This life cycle is getting too repetitive, wake up, start work, eat, work, pray, work, until I sleep. I never liked routines, and my life is getting this routine aspect, I need to do something to change it, something new, something I never done before, something that no one can expect, something that even I, surprises me.

I have money, enough to stay away for a while, enough for them to understand how hurtful it is to live this life, and I know the best way for them to understand this.

Pain is channelling through my veins, my breathing is slowly increasing its speed, my heart beat is following the former's pace, it is a feeling I thought I had overcome long ago, is this the fear of death? Even if it is primal to fear such concept, I thought I had controlled that fear, but my body keeps sending signals, that I was delusional, that I am still afraid, more than ever, and I don't like how this sounds, I must overcome this, I must learn to live with death, as I had always presumed, death shall be my companion, my watcher, and the one that will take this soul of mine to the other side, that abstract noun I had always tried to hurt it, and now, as I see myself, I may have done it, I hurt it so bad that I made it call for death, asking it to come sooner than planned, did I reach my goal? My purpose in life? No, I still have a long way to destroy this soul, I just need to keep hurting it like that, and just like that, I will reach it.

I guess I know the reason behind this sudden change, it is my fear to carry on with the plan, my morals are reminding me of what will happen if I were to disappear, but I must carry on with this, I didn't come this far for me to chicken out, I shouldn't, I must disappear, I must, and once I buy that ticket, there is no going back.

April12th 2024:

Something really ticked me off, my sister accidentally kicked the vacuum cleaner, and the handle of that thing came out of place, it wasn't broken, just got out of place. After I heard some yelling, some things getting thrown, I checked on my sister, then checked on the vacuum cleaner, fixed it, and showed my mom that, she got angry. She got so angry that she followed me into my room, and ordered me to not get into her affairs when it comes to scolding my sister. Is doing the right thing ticks her off? When she indeed realized what she did, she couldn't say sorry, as if it will kill her to ask for forgiveness from her daughter, a being inferior to her. Something similar happened to me, I once put a password to our family computer, as my mom ordered me to do so, after I tried to test it, the computer wouldn't open, she kept yelling, telling me how clumsy I was, yelling at me. After they got it fixed, they found out that the computer changes randomly its keyboard settings, from AZERTY to QWERTY, which made it impossible to unlock. When they told me that, my mom couldn't say "sorry" until father convinced her. She cannot, at all, say something like that to her children, she considers us inferior to her in every aspect, I shall destroy that ego, and show her how weak she is, and the plan I made is perfect, she will see herself as an incapable person.

They always see themselves as superior, they will not answer your questions unless they want to, they will keep you in denial and let you wonder what they mean, and for me, an absolute over-thinker, I cannot get it over my head, which hinders my capacity to think, thus making me incapable to study, they are indirectly contributing to my failure, the thing they want to avoid the most.

She saw me on a call with my friend, she thinks that when I am on a call, I, like her, keep talking non-stop, gossiping about people, and not focusing on my work, I hate you, mother, I hate you more than I hate myself, and trust me, I hate myself a lot, I hate myself so much that "self-love" isn't something I believe in, so now you know, how much I hate you.