Some things never end in life whether it's love, craving to see someone, pain or feeling guilty for not being able to do anything for a person who did everything for you without asking anything in return or being a fool not to realise his love when he was with you. The feeling of seeing him, touching him, being in his arms where you find protection, security and belonging will remain only in heart and knows that it won't happen again. You lost him and he died because of you without honour and as a convict, no one can change this and has to live with this guilt as long as you are alive. It's been seven years since that jeep burnt but why still it feels like yesterday when met him for the first time. The anxiety and fear that was felt when he asked "Fresher" and turned in a hurry to see him. You saw a well dressed man who was looking at a nervous new cadet. But the next question "Naam" made you anxious, was about to reveal your identity and blurted "Naina Ah Singh". The smile he had on his face after listening to a strange name.
When you see him again, unconsciously look into his eyes and may be trying to find if you can trust him or not. It was this trust that was at the bottom of the relationship and it also made you believe in him. He became a supporter, protector, guide, mentor, friend and something else which you didn't realise when he was near. The man likes him that you never met in your life and never will be as there is no one like him. The smile and shine in his eyes when he sees you and the relief that you get after looking at him. For him your happiness and reputation was most important. He fights for you and with you to make sure that no one hurts you even yourself. He scolded harshly when you made Ali write his name for appraisal and made you remember why you joined the academy, to be best pass out like your brother. You became the best pass out Cadet but he was not with you. When someone asks who he was and from where he came then not be able to give an answer to it. He entered into your life to make you free from pain, misery and anger. He became your strength and support that made you fight for your brother's innocence and then for him.
The bond that was developed after getting to know he was your brother's friend and saving you many times from people like Major Nair and Major Bhargav. He makes sure that this impulsive girl is safe and even hides her identity from everyone. He didn't let you be sent to the detention centre and helped to get a chance to remain in the academy. The tough soldier cried in front of you when telling the story how your brother died, even if it was a fake. The support he needed when hugged tightly or given after a psychoanalysis test or the last hug. The mentorship programme is one of your best times of life as shown who he really was caring and always be there for you even when you don't know. Whether it was an interview he took as how easily made you visit the time that you had with your brother, where you didn't want to go. It was so painful to remember the memories but made it into pleasant as it felt like sharing with a friend. You shared the pain and happiness with him but he didn't, may be doesn't have faith in you. May be you missed when he tried to as was lost in your mission to prove Naveen innocent. He showed that faith when standing below a 10 kg bag while keeping eyes closed and didn't move even your friends shouting at him to get away as you missed the important time and had rerun after falling.
His memories won't leave you alone and you relive it every day. Some of these were of happiness, content but some are painful.
The happiness you felt when he became your mentor, the discussion regarding his girlfriend which he never had, the care free laugh while remembering your brother, how he came for you when you fell from height. The fun fight in muddy water and forget who you were and get late to return to camp. The humiliation faced after reaching the academy late, people and friend's ugly comments. His ignorance, anger, shouting in public on you and that photo incident that was declared on radio as having an illicit relationship. The promise that was broken when begging him not to get engaged to Dr. Mishra "Tum mujhe kabhi nahi khogi Naina". But you lost him and he didn't come back.
The pain, helplessness and fear he had in eyes when was telling the real story as how your brother and his best friend died. He wanted you to believe that has to shoot him as there was no other way. But was it so easy, as one person whom you loved the most did not commit suicide but was killed by that man whom you trusted blindly and was so much dependent on. He lied and hid it all this time that made you angry and foolish to trust him. So, you shot him but pierced both the hearts. Even after cursing him, hitting him on a mission or saying all the ugly things when he was in hospital, still saved you. He told the whole academy that Dr. Ritu shoots him and again protects you. But you didn't stop and continue to insult or hurt him when get a chance. You missed seeing his yearning or desperation to talk or spend some time or take his help in finding a red box. That desperation made him careless and get trapped in allegedly killing a senior for the proof for your brother's innocence. His silence when was humiliated in court for loving you and proved that killing his senior is a crime of passion. The pain in his eyes for not being able to save your dignity, failed to get a red box and not to save himself. He just surrendered and took all the blame to shield you from all the problems.
He accepted the conviction without thinking, losing his career, getting insulted, injustice and taking away his pride and medals in front of all. The helplessness he felt when they were taking him away after the judgement but still turned to see you, if you are fine and to see you one last time may not get a chance again. He may want to hug you, asking for forgiveness to get you in this mess or was checking if you also loved him. His incomplete confession "Unhone mujhse mera sabh kuch chin liya, mera career, mera dost, mera pya..." and the last hug. That was a confession from both of you without words and a promise to love each other even not together. His hands that were wrapped around you made you feel safe, loved and at peace. The hold that was tight on both of the backs was not to let go and remain there for forever but it didn't last as a bullet brushed his arm. The last look at you to save your face in memory and curse himself for leaving you alone. The pain, anxiety, desperation and love in his eyes didn't want you to leave him but knows he has to go otherwise would be in jail. Then the burning of the jeep made you lifeless for days and still carry it even after seven years. You didn't recognise his love in eyes when saw you in red saree, his fumbling to praise you but still said "Is khubsurti ke liye koi revolt toh kya Jaan bhi sakta hain". You missed it during Pt. 1857 visit as his stare was showing his desires and love. He was not able to stop looking at you and trying hard not to touch or confess his love. There are so many things you missed, his care, protection, support, guidance, friendship and most importantly selfless, pure and deep love. It's a curse for him that he loved you as lost everything because of you.
These are the words of Naina's soul which torments her everyday and it will till she breathes. She revisit the time with him and cry and smile with it.
Why you leave me alone, Rajveer Sir. Please come back, I can't even die as have to take care of parents, friends and to carry the legacy of yours and Naveen Bhaiya. Why you were so cowardly, tied to rules and listened to your conscience as didn't tell me that you loved me. It was my privilege to get loved by you and still feel your presence and love around me. Your Cadet Naina Ah Singh misses you every day and would love only you till the last day of her life.
The mist on leaves and fog on the road will always make you remember him as he brought life in you but still was mysterious about him and his feelings
Yun chal pade hai raah-e-safar mein
jaise nadi aur kinara
fer bhi kinare to sukhe hi rehte hain
lipta kiye unse dhaara
thode se badal thodi si barish
kohra bhi pal tha chaaya
itne ujale ho gaye achanak ki
apna bhi dikhta na saaya
haan apna bhi dikhta na saaya
Album : Miit
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Phir Ek Baar
FanfictionIt's a story of two people who have lost their love. Naina has lost Rajveer and is still waiting for him to come back. She is living with his memories and her guilt. Sujal who was betrayed by his love and trying to live without her but is so easy...
