when 77 met 32 [ishman ff] [shubish]

2019

Shubman's POV:

It was the year 2019 and I was selected for the upcoming ODI. I wasn't nervous I believed but my family, they had gone mad, like why would they keep telling me to stop being nervous, I wasn't? I had to leave tomorrow to stay with team India, we would leave for the series a week later.

It was all okay. When I left home, I promised my dad that I would play well, I took blessing from my mom and teased my sister. The journey was also good. Everything was fine, but standing here at the foot of the hotel we were supposed to be staying at I felt like screaming.

I actually wanted to scream at the top of my voice for some reason. Maybe these were the emotions I was so desperately trying to keep inside of me. They got so bottled up that they now threatened to explode.

'no, shubman you can do this. Its okay. Its going to be fine.' I kept telling myself, because there is I no way I am going to do anything stupid here. Anything that would suggest that I am mentally unstable. Which right now I very much was, but nobody has to know about it.

I entered the room where I was supposed to meet with the rest of the team. 'intimidated' would be the softest word to describe my state right now. These were all the people I had always dreamt to be like. These were the people I always wanted to play with.

I was going through mixed emotions. I had no idea about how to act anymore. I was happy. So so soo happy. Because standing here in the middle of this room amongst these people is the dream of lakhs of people. The dream I am living right now. of course, I am happy.

But I am also scared. I am scared to disappoint. Scared to disappoint my family, my friends. Scared to disappoint thousands of people who support me and my game whole heartedly. I was scared of losing, of being a burden, a handicap to the team.

But there was this other emotion amongst all of this. Sitting in the middle of my inner chaos. Nibbling on my brain from the corner. 'self-doubt', that would be a small word to describe it, but yeah.

Truth be told. I was not worthy enough to be standing here. My game wasn't that good. I was not so good to be standing here. I was not worthy enough to be playing with these legends. I was not worthy enough to be getting so much love from the public. I was not worthy enough for the trust my friends and family had on me.

I was scared of losing all of this. The fear of losing had me in a chokehold. I couldn't achieve anything because then I would eventually lose it and lose my mind with it. I cannot bear the thought of it. I wasn't strong enough.

"heyyy buddy? SHUBMAN??????" it was virat sir's voice that brought me back to my senses. "yeah sir. Sorry.." I was very ashamed of the stunt I pulled in front of my seniors. They would think that i am crazy. Oh god when would I stop fucking things up.

"Are you okay?" okay now I was feeling guilty because he looked very concerned. "yeah I am completely fine." I tried to say that in my most cheerful voice to ease up the tension but the moment I opened my mouth the tension in the air spiked up considerably.

"are you sure you okay?" it was rohit sir. "yeah I am fine." "I think you should sit down. Here drink some water." It was virat sir again. Now if this man continues to be so concerned and nice towards me I might actually faint because what the fuck?? Is he THE virat kohli I am talking to right now???

"okay shubman this won't work at all, we keep losing you. Hellooo." "yeah I am fine just a bit overwhelmed I guess." "yeah that happens quite a lot. Rishabh on his first day stood like a statue for good 10 minutes after meeting virat. We thought about calling the ambulance before he started responding again."

Everybody shared a laugh at that. Rishabh looked like he wanted to get back at the speaker but when he saw that the person speaking was rohit sir he decided to tape his mouth shut. He then looked at me. Oh no.