Dear Haley; Love, Haley Vol. 3

I wish a cared more

Dear Haley,

I wish cared more. Admitting my problems isn't hard, it's what I should do next. I'm weak, I'm full of anger, I'm very incoherent towards my being. Mainly because I just don't care. And I don't want it to bite me in the butt, but I'm not sure of what to do.

If I'm going to live in this world, at least let me live in a sense where I'm living life without worries, doubt, and issues. I hate living, but only because I don't have anything in me to continue forward. It could be the dedication that is stranding me away; I don't have it in me to push forward. And I wish I did. I wish I didn't exist. But I also wish I knew how to live life to where I enjoyed it without worry. I hate it here.

Forgive me for complaining. I wouldn't ask for forgiveness if I didn't know I would be in love with someone in my head. If it is love anyway. I have issues and I could genuinely be mental. I'll admit it, but what is to change? How can I change and enjoy the change? How can I care and enjoy the care?

Hate hate hate, and all I want is to not exist. Why me, you know? Why do I complain when I put bare minimum? Why do I represent everything I want to stray away from? Why am I depressed and angry? If life is going to be this way, I wish I had the courage to die. I would love to be beautiful, and smart, and have a nice, loving husband by my side. But the truth is that I can't picture that reality with so many voices in my head. They say control your mind, but I don't want to control anything. I don't even want to exist.

I don't want to end up homeless, but I don't want to continue life. I don't know what to live for. And I'm scared. I'm terrified. I'm afraid. I'm anxious. I'm worried. I am in fear. And I hate it here. Sometimes I think The Most High looks at me and just walks away and the Creator sits and smiles and enjoys everything that's occuring. I don't even know if I want this belief system anymore. I don't even believe anymore. I wish I could believe to the point where I love doing what I love. To give myself hope so that I sleep with a good conscience. This phone is seriously destroying me, deep down.

I want someone to care about me, to love me, and to be around me. Basically just fall in love with me without trying. Telling me good things, keeping me with a good heart, and making sure I never slip and fall. I don't even know what I want in life anymore. Like all I care about in my visions is looking beautiful, feeling confident, and enjoying life. To look gorgeous and stunning. But here's the thing, I can't see myself past that stage because I don't know where to go after that. I don't care about having goals because I don't know what to do after that.

Like how do you know you want the next thing if you don't know what's next to come. I wish I would prepare for the enviable. I don't want to be alone forever, I really really really want a husband. Like, that's all I care about. And to be honest, I don't know how to prepare for a man who wants me back. Truly and genuinely, and I don't know if he's even out there.

I have my eyes out for one guy, and I don't even know if we would ever be together. Sometimes I wish he would announce he has a woman so I can leave him out of my life. But the truth is that deep down, I think the reason why he sticks around is because he's supposed to be in my life. It sounds stupid, but I like to believe it and keep myself away from fire.

To be honest, I know no one is going to care about me, so I think to myself, why did the Creator make me? What did you want me to accomplish? It was this one time that this lady told me that God won't tell you how life is going to be for you because if they did, you wouldn't want to live it.

I feel like if I knew, I would at least know the ending. I don't want to be homeless, or depressed and alone all my life. That's definitely true. But I think the reason I feel those ways is because I feel like I'm running out of time. I don't want to try, I just want to die. I sound ridiculous. But let's be honest, after I pass away from Earth, I don't even know what else to expect.

Honestly, I like the idea of death. I could die, genuinely and I enjoy the idea. I'm not saying I would kill myself, but I'm definitely going to let myself pass away romantically. If a man wants me so bad, all I hope is that he's attractive. After that, who knows if I'd date him. I don't even know what I want after I feel beautiful in my skin. I just want to pass away.

I have ideas, goals, dreams, visions, choices, prospects, entities, and duties, and I'm not going to throw them all away. I just know that if I'm going to live my life here on Earth, with or without a choice, all I want is to die happy. So yeah, I'm going to die and just let death flow because it sounds far more romantic than living. And anybody can say whatever they want, but I'm telling the truth. So thank you.

Love,
Haley