ALEA IACTA EST ; GRACE

008.

GOING TO WAR,   it was not as glorious as it was described in poetry, books or movies.

There was not a single person who was excited, who was ready to put their life on the line (well, except for Jason Grace, but he didn't count), who was trying to stop people from falling into madness.

Preparing for war, a war you know will cost many lives, was not graceful.

It was ugly crying and suppressed sobs in the dark night, when you thought everyone else was already asleep.

War was knowing it would come, that you could do nothing about it but still, you tried to think of solutions; you hoped the gods would have mercy, at least once in their immortal lives and resolve the issue on their own.

War was hoping that you could escape from it unscathed but right as that thought crosses your mind, your heart clenches and guilt consumes your being because if you are unscathed, another one would have to carry your wounds and pain.

But more than anything, war in Camp Jupiter was pretending that everything was okay, that nothing would change, that if everyone put in enough effort, they could win, or at the very least, they could say that they had fought like real Romans and had died an honorable death.

The legionnaires just ignored the fact that they were teenagers, mere kids, and weren't supposed to be heroes; they weren't supposed to fight in a fucking war.

Philomena Yıldırım, even if she didn't like admitting it, had become just like the rest of the legionnaires.

Just like the rest of them all, she was nothing but a scared kid that had to go to war and possibly die.

Whenever Philomena began to spiral down this dark line of thoughts late at night, her father's words echoed in the back of her mind, as if they were trying to calm her. But was it really calming? Knowing that you would survive when so many others were destined to die?

Those nights were horrible, Philomena lay awake almost the whole night, tossing and turning in her small bed, careful not to wake up her barrack-mates.

When she did finally fall asleep, she fell into horrible nightmares, which she couldn't remember when she woke up the next morning, drenched in sweat, breathing heavily and unable to move.

In those mornings, she laid in bed and let silent tears stream down her face.

For one, she cried because of her situation, because of her inability to fight and all those wasted years in the legion. Then, Philomena also cried because, as strange as it might sound, those mornings after the nightmares reminded her of her mother and the many stories she used to tell her when she was still a little child (one of them about Basty, a nightmare bringing evil spirit).

In the back of her head, Philomena knew that her mother had also told her how she could wield off a Karabasan (a Basty attack) - which she seemed to suffer from more and more often - but she couldn't remember it, which led to more tears.

Her family's deaths were so far away and so much time has passed since she had last heard their voices, their laughter or the many stories about mythological creatures her mother and aunt loved to tell her.

She was beginning to forget them, which was something she had sworn herself she would never do, but sometimes, time is stronger than all the promises in the world.

On days like these, it seemed like Jason and Alex knew exactly what Philomena needed: distraction.

So Alex took on the task of training her in the Colosseum, which the daughter of Cupid had begun to actually enjoy since she was improving and had even managed to disarm Jason once.

Afterwards, Jason would go on a walk through New Rome with her, always a different drink in her hands (she had said that if she were to die, she wanted to at least try everything the bars of New Rome had to offer), or she would swim around in the lake, while Jason rested with his feet in the water by the shore. He actually wanted to join her, but Philomena had made it clear that he shouldn't even dare to think about it with his wound still not fully healed.

This day was like any other in Philomena's newest routine: she woke up with a tear stained face and not well rested, snuck quickly to the bathroom and put on makeup so that she looked at least half-alive. Then after a breakfast that only consisted of black coffee, she went to the training grounds with Alex.

After lunch, Philomena had asked Jason to spar with her, so that she could use the techniques she was training in a real-life situation.

Today the pair completely lost themselves in their training (many of the other legionnaires gave them weird looks; it was quite a sight to see the incapable daughter of Cupid try to fight against the invincible son of Jupiter) and totally forgot about how they were supposed to go and eat ice cream in the city.

Only when the sky darkened did they finally put down their swords, sweat running down their temples but satisfied smiles lit up their faces.

However, Philomena, who still wasn't used to this much exercise and hadn't taken such good care of herself over the last few weeks, stumbled on her way over to the exit, all feeling lost in her feet as they gave in like uncooked spaghetti.

The blond boy next to her quickly let his sword fall to the ground and caught her. He held her by the shoulders, a worried frown scrunching up his face as he looked down at her and only then did he notice just how close they were.

Philomena, too, noticed this, her face heating up in embarrassment and the feeling of Jason's arms on her skin. She couldn't believe how close they were, if she would move her head only a few centimeters, their lips would touch (not that she wanted that to happen).

While they stared one another in the eyes, neither of them moving closer to the other, but also not putting any distance between them, Reyna entered the otherwise empty arena.

The black haired girl cleared her throat, finally forcing the pair to move.

Philomena sat down on the ground, touching her cheeks, trying to somehow get them to cool down and return to their usual color.

Jason went over to Reyna, the two of them talking in hushed whispers. Finally, Jason sighed and went back over to Philomena to inform her that he had something to attend to as a centurion and that she should go eat a lot at dinner and then go to sleep.

Exhausted, the brunette girl just nodded, not really registering his words. Her mind still thinking about how close they had been to kissing just moments ago.

Jason went off, sending one last glance towards the girl on the floor of the Colosseum as he walked alongside Reyna to the principia.

What no one noticed, too caught up in their own thoughts, was the way Jason's neck and ears were a bright red and how he, once again, absentmindedly fiddled with the coins during the whole meeting in the principia. Moving the coin from one finger to the other and scratching at the engraved ax.