Mercy & Fire

30. Paradise Found

Adelia

I was nothing. Weightless. Thoughtless. Utterly alone.

The sharp burning in my chest from the sea water I breathed in felt like I was set on fire, which amplified the fear and desperation rapidly pumping through my tired heart. It was disparaging and hope crushing, making me wish for death until my heart and lungs failed me. It was then that I felt nothing.

I felt nothing so much that I became it.

Floating in a cold abyss of black water, I reflected on my life. I had watched so many people die around me, wondering if I'd ever be next. When I ventured out on my own as a child, the fear of meeting a gruesome death constantly swayed back and forth over my head like a teetering metronome. Among that anxiety, the fear that I'd become a burden to be abandoned reared its intrusive head the entire time I lived with Roselena's family.

Now there was no fear. Instead, there was nothing, and then there was gut-wrenching regret that made me feel nauseous and dizzy. I wasted so much time and hid too much of myself to the point that Bellfire became the first and last person to know me deeply. Now that we'd both crossed into the afterlife, there was t a single soul who would remember me for who I truly was.

The selfish self preservation was wasted on me. I did nothing but cower and hide behind my own lies, and I thought I was making my mother proud by surviving, but I missed her true desire entirely. She wanted me to live for the both of us, and the only time I felt alive was when I let Bellfire glimpse into who I was for only a moment.

Hopelessly,  I wondered if this was what Bellfire felt when he died.

He was so young, and there were so many things he never got to do. What would he say now that it was all for nothing? That he died to save a selfish, foolish woman for absolutely no reason.

I suppose there was no time to worry about that now. Our time was up, and I could only grit my teeth and move toward whatever awaited me.

My heart felt sore from the grief of all I'd lost the moment my lungs became saturated with water. I closed my eyes as I felt myself fading into the nothingness around me.

For what felt like an eternity alone with the numb thoughts and images running through my mind like a theatre show, I curled in on myself and closed my eyes, willing myself to fall into the endless sleep of death.

When I thought of dying, I always thought of how I would die or the pain I'd feel. I never thought about what came after.

After a while, the silence was broken by the faint sound of a stringed instrument being plucked heartily over the deep thrum of a bass percussion. I felt delusional as the music began to vibrate my body subtly, but other instruments began to join the melody, growing louder and louder until it felt as if the instruments were playing right by my ear.

Surely, I wasn't so looney as to make up such a loud intricate sound in my head. Nor the grainy texture on the palms of my hands or the warm breeze. For a second, I thought I was back in the heartbreaking delusion of seeing Bellfire again, but when I opened my eyes, I could only squint into the remnants of a sunset sky.

As I sat up, I saw a vast sea line with waves crashing over it in a lazy fashion. It was like the water was trying its best to cling onto the sand without hurting it, like a doomed lover trying not to let go of their beloved. The touch was desperate but hopeless.

I rubbed at my chest, wondering if there was a pulse, but surely enough I felt none. In fact, my skin felt oddly cool even in the warm weather, which I found puzzling. Evidently, I was dead, but if that were true, how was I perceiving any of this?

The music continued, and as I looked over, I saw a group of lightly robed people dancing and celebrating. They jumped, clapped, and sashayed all around, looking as if they were in everlasting bliss and joy.

"There is no pain or suffering here."

I didn't have to look to know it was the blazing, blue bird speaking to me. No longer was there any disbelief or shock at what I was seeing. Only defeat and surrender to whatever would happen to me.

When I didn't say anything, the bird continued. "Here, all my children spend their eternity in paradise with me."

"So they're dead." I murmured as I brought my knees to my chest and rested my arms on them.

"They have died yes, but the difference for them is they chose to die a second death for me."

Frowning, I turned to look at him, "You demand their lives?"

This religion was much more demanding than I thought.

"I demand your everything." He clarified. "I've given my creation everything it has, because I love it. I don't demand material things, or vainglory. I demand to have your heart."

None of this made sense to me.

"There is a constant battle between me and evil, and my desire is to save all my creation from evil if they would let me." He sounded grieved. "Unfortunately, many rejected me and have forgotten me. Even now, only a few truly understand who I am."

"So what happens now? I wasn't able to fulfill my assignment, and I'm dead now."

He smiled, "Paradise is what your mother shared with you, right?"

He didn't even acknowledge my words. As if I hadn't spoken, he continued on. I was too resigned to care.

"Rivers of milk and honey. The sweetest fruit known to man... yes."

"You're only standing at the very outskirts of my paradise and refuge." He sounded fond of it. "My paradise is not a city in the physical realm. It is an endless cornucopia here in the spiritual realm. Even your mother has enjoyed it very much."

"My mother?" I had been listening to his entire speech but the mention of my mother made me peek up.

The bird ruffled its feathers, "As I had planned for her, she began smuggling many children and women out of Dhernon just like she did with you. She was arrested and died a quick death, but she left others in her stead. She was quite happy when she came to me, child. It was a joyous occasion for paradise."

Hearing that my mother was resting in peace after living such a selfless life was a relief. My dream of living a simple life on the coast with her company would never come true, but she was resting peacefully in her own paradise. With the hopes that I would too, I felt satisfied with that much.

"Thank you for that. Truly." I was a little choked up.

The bird took a moment to lean over and touch my shoulder with its head.

"It's time." It said suddenly.

If my heart were still beating, it would have raced, and oddly enough, I felt the ghost of it pumping in my chest, as if my anxiety triggered the memory of the sensation.

"You've done well, child. Now go. Everything will make sense soon." A firm command was all I needed to stand up and begin walking. The destination wasn't clear, and in fact, the more I walked, the more the sunset burned brighter, making me squint.

It grew brighter and brighter until I was shrouded in light, and until my own consciousness was shrouded. Like a flickering candle, I was being engulfed by a much larger flame, awaiting what was next for me.

Soon, all that was left of me was the sincere desire to go home and meet my mother.