Mercy & Fire

36. More Conflict, More Confusion

Roselena

The warm glow of my candle was the only source of light on the cool beach aside from the moonlight twinkling off of the moving waters. The sand was cool under my skin as I sat with my knees pulled to my chest, my cheek pressed into my kneecap as I stared into the darkness.

I was growing homesick now that I had the time to think about everything and everyone I missed.

Adelia was gone when I got to Bermillia, and though I convinced myself she was alive and well somewhere else, I had the scariest feeling that I'd never see her again. She was the only source of comfort I had at times, especially when my father and I argued.

Whenever my father came home drunk, I would have to take care of him. Sure, Jonas would help me settle him down, but he was such a heavy sleeper that it was up to me to make sure father didn't choke on his own vomit. It wouldn't be the first time I had to help him change into fresh clothes, and he made it an entire ordeal every time.

I was so exhausted and so irritated for days after, and any time I asked him not to do it again, he grew defensive. He hadn't done it for a year since I asked him to take my marriage prospects seriously, so my heart had softened toward him.

I suppose he realized I wasn't always going to be there to take care of him.

I endured it because he was a good father when sober, so I felt as if I shouldn't complain. He didn't hit me like the man down the street hit his family, and he wasn't totally shameless about it.

Aside from the bad habit, he was generally quiet, and at times, absent. He fulfilled his duties of taking care of the family ledger but spent most of the time alone or with Jonas hunting and training. It seemed all the affection he had for me before my mother passed was fading away the second she left.

It was only until now that I began to realize how much I actually missed him as well. He wasn't affectionate, but he often came home with sweets simply because he remembered that I enjoyed them. Or he would gather the laundry from the clothing line to help me out, and bring dinner home from the local eateries so Adelia and I wouldn't have to cook. My favorite was when he'd leave a brand new sketching journal on my nightstand wordlessly.

Just two months ago, he picked out a dress for me to wear on my birthday and asked Hannah to make a day out of it.

Those simple acts that I took for granted made me want my father to be here. If he were, he'd probably sit with me in silence for as long as I needed it.

If Jonas were here, he'd probably offer solutions to my problem. He was always distracted with his studies, and with traveling from place to place to establish business relations, but I knew I could always ask him for anything. Although if he was incredibly irritating and spoiled, I would do anything just to have him annoy me once more.

Even so, Adelia was the only one who let me say whatever I wanted to say without judging me or correcting me. At the end of the day, I thought too much to actually let those thoughts and feelings consume me, and she knew that.

Sighing deeply, I closed my eyes and tried to focus on the soothing sound of the water. I came out here to try and see if some alone time would help me clear my head and feel better, but it seemed there would be no respite tonight either.

Sleep wasn't scarce, but grief was far more abundant, and I couldn't turn my brain off. More than anything though... I felt lonely.

Loneliness seemed to thrive here. No matter how hard I prayed, I never got an answer, and everyone here was so callous. If they weren't eyeing me like I was an interesting new toy, they ignored me or glared at me because of my association with the king.