Mercy & Fire

28. Two Crows for a Kiss

Rovan

My first assignment as a fourteen year old soldier was to sneak into the minor kingdom of Slaqev alongside an older soldier and Joaquim. According to our cover, we were the sons of a widower bereaved by the violence of Dhernon. We had nowhere to go and no one to turn to, but of course we took the welcoming hand of a neighboring kingdom offering refuge to citizens of Camela escaping and fleeing from Dhernon.

I remember it being the first time in my life that I'd seen and experienced such a peaceful life. I actually got to be a kid, and even then, it was stained by subterfuge and deceit.

Nothing about it was normal. I've always known that. But at fourteen — almost fifteen — I forgot about it for a little while. Joaquim and I eventually got sent to a small academy for the less fortunate, where we were treated as charity by others. This was how I learned how to read and write, and I remember being so amazed that all the other children of the kingdom had the opportunity to learn no matter their social or financial status.

Joaquim and I made friends even when we were advised not to. We played their traditional games and had rendezvous all over the city for fun without a care in the world. Then evening arrived,  and we were forced to do conditioning and training in silence.

When the signal came in the form of a four-timed knock in the early hours of the morning, we'd have to turn against the people who showed us kindness.

For a while, I forgot that the time I'd have to turn against my own friends would come, and when it did, I was surprised at how easy I found it to let their looks of betrayal and cries for mercy  roll off my back. The guilt and pain was something to be endured and mastered,  not surrendered to.

Perhaps, this was why I found it so easy to minimize my allyship with Joaquim to simple duty as soldiers of the same army. There were times I was tempted to kill him just to get rid of the weakness, but I could never do it, not even when I was at my worst.

Now, I was disoriented by my  growing sense of guilt and conscience. It was as if the veil of madness grew thinner and thinner each day I went without magic.

Musing over this, I walked alongside my horse, wishing I had Blue by my side to make the trip quicker. Nonetheless, Blue was not an inconspicuous creature, and I technically was not supposed to be traveling to Dhernon.

Thoughts of Blue brought thoughts of the three idiots I'd left to kill each other. If  Joaquim had been working to instigate tension among them as I'd instructed, blood would have long been spilled, throwing the politicians into greater uncertainty. That could either be my greatest advantage or my worst disadvantage, so I had to think of every possible scenario and prepare for it.

I was good at strategy before, but now, I felt as if I could picture multiple scenarios at once, as if my brain had been switched on to overdrive.

While I enjoyed my newfound mental capacity, it was difficult not to obsess over the cost of getting to this point. Without fail, the streaks of white hair on my mother's head and the wide innocent eyes of the woman in my dreams made my stomach churn with remorse and regret, which later turned into resentment and hatred toward Dhernon.

It didn't help that every time I closed my damn eyes, I saw a white rabbit or Roselena in white, running from me. She was never easy to catch in the first place, but now it was impossible.

The dimming light of the sky warned me of the oncoming sunset and freezing night. Having experienced the first winter night, I quickly began to set up for a fire a lot earlier. Not sensing any magic anywhere near, I lit a flame quickly with my own fingers, hoping it wasn't enough magic to attract anything in the night.