Mercy & Fire

32. Calm Before the Storm

Roselena

My mother was an elusive, bold woman. She always embraced who she was no matter what or who challenged her even if it made her difficult to understand. At least, that's the part of herself she showed everyone. There were times when I would catch bits and pieces of her that, at the time, I didn't understand.

Sometimes, I would catch her staring into the distance silently as if she had temporarily left her body vacant for a while. At other times, she seemed wistful as if she wished she could fly away, and sometimes, it almost felt like she was translucent. Like a small wind could blow, and she'd be gone with it.

In the end, she went out like a dying flame. Each day, she grew dimmer and dimmer – more translucent until I could completely see through her as if she'd never even been there.

Father told me that she'd always had a weak constitution, and he was always afraid that I'd inherit that from her. Since she died, every time I got a cold or a stomachache, he'd panic like my days were numbered. Always jumping from negligent to controlling, father preferred I stay at home with the business and house responsibilities – just like mother.

It was then that I realized I was a lot more like my mother than I first thought.

The suffocation of being at home all the time was unbearable at times. I loved my family, but I got caught in the routine so often that it felt like I was beginning to fade. Yet, I couldn't say that I felt like I was withering away in my own home because it wouldn't make a difference.

To father and Jonas, my place was at home until I married, where I would be safe. Sometimes, I found myself afraid of having to live my life that way forever, but the desire to be known and loved was overwhelming at times. With love came a man and children and the menial task of caring for them, which left me wishing I could just stop existing for just a moment.

It seemed like I would live my life overshadowed by men and children my entire life. On top of that, the vulnerability that came with being a woman always maintained me in a state of anxiety, and the idea of being at the mercy of anyone bigger, stronger, or more powerful than me was exhausting. I wondered if that's how my mother felt every time she stared out the window with a sense of yearning.

I never allowed myself to fully explore this feeling until recently. At first, I thought it was my selfishness getting in the way, but after seeing how helpless I was in the threat of foreign invasion, I finally understood how unfortunate I was to be born a girl.

Forcing me out of my thoughts, King Rovan spoke up while peering up at the sky.

"I think it's going to rain."

I looked up at the sky through the cracks and spaces between the trees but only saw a cloudy blue coating of color. Rubbing my temples and ignoring the way I was insufferably hot and damp, I raised a brow and puckered my lips in confusion.

He must have seen the skeptical look on my face, because he explained himself. "Not now. But soon."

I'd grown a bit more tame with my obvious resentment toward him, but only because I was so exhausted. I barely had the energy to fight with him anymore, and it seemed that it both disappointed and relieved him. To be honest, I was surprised at myself but after he kept making comments about my keeping quiet like a dog and punishing me like he was my overlord, I was past my limit.

I couldn't help but release all the frustration and anger I'd held in for my entire life. I had my journal to vent to but it didn't seem like enough, and King Rovan brought out the most unexpected side of me.

I didn't trust him after how he behaved the first afternoon after he'd woken up, but he'd grown more tame since. Despite that, he went from having the personality of a violent rock to an occasionally flirtatious and sly, yet stern, sergeant.

"A little rain never hurt anyone." I said as I continued on behind him, to his left.

"Dhernon rain is quite different from other places. It's a lot heavier and a lot more turbulent." He glanced at the growing mountain we were about to climb. "We're still a day's time away from Dhernon. If we just take shelter, we can avoid the storm."

I studied him for a moment and decided he looked too peaceful.

"Or perhaps we can just let the storm kill us now so we can be rid of each other." I quipped.

He turned around, letting go of his horse's reins momentarily. He walked backwards and smiled in a way that almost made me shiver in disgust.

"They say that people who die in traumatic ways side by side spend the afterlife together forever. Romantic, isn't it?" He touched the hilt of his sword. "Why not start now?"

Always so quick with the threats.

"Maybe not." I folded my arms.

My eyes lowered to his sword, and I only narrowed my eyes at the blue ribbon wrapped around it. In Thelodia, it was common for women to give their beloved a token before they go off to war. Sometimes they were given a coin, a letter, a necklace, a ribbon... I glanced up at his face as he returned to his task of seeking shelter. Whatever woman would willingly give him a ribbon was a shallow woman to be sure.

I didn't peg him as a romantic as to accept such a ribbon, but it did make me question what else I didn't know about him.

I'd been a fool before, but I suppose the last few months had allowed me to grow in the skill of reading other people. Despite his change in personality, he was still largely impossible to read.

I'd also noticed that he sometimes stared at me too for strangely long amounts of time, which paired with the suggestive remarks and teasing, made me weary.

I was all alone out in the forests of Dhernon with a ridiculously strong man notorious for having gray morals. Not only that, but this man also had a sudden change in personality I wasn't expecting.

When he wasn't being annoying, he was stuck to the serious, gruff, and grumpy exterior. I didn't know which I preferred, but if I had to choose, the silence was best for me.

While I pondered the enigma that he was, we made it to the edge of the mountain, and the descent up off the ground we stood on was quite abrupt at almost ninety degrees.

I peered up at the tall mountain and wondered how on earth I was going to survive climbing it. We'd been climbing up a steady incline on the way out of Bermillia but this was a bit more extreme.

My muscles ached, my bones cracked and popped, and my feet were practically numb from the endless walking we did. Even the occasional ride on his horse didn't help alleviate the pain.

Yet, King Rovan didn't look fazed. He was well conditioned for the journey while I was not. At all. After recovering from my stab wound, I'd been left severely unfit for the trek.

I couldn't ignore the way I'd been noticing my exhaustion piling on me over the last two days.

Fatigue had obviously collected in my body and it was getting heavier and heavier as I tried to keep up along the mountain's edge. My eyes were dry and warm and scratchy as if I had sand crusted in them, and my body was dragging. It wasn't until the first light rain drops suddenly began to fall through the sky and onto my skin that I realized how hot I truly felt.

I reached up to touch my forehead the way my mother always did and tried to gauge how warm I was. When I did, I was surprised the few rain drops hadn't sizzled on my skin.

Slowly, I began to panic. We were out in a tropical forest in the face of an oncoming rainstorm that would likely only worsen my fever, and there was no medicine, tea, or baths I could take to cool myself down.

Suddenly, the mere awareness of my poor condition made me feel dizzy and faint, and the sounds around me began to dim.

It wasn't until I felt King Rovan grab my shoulders and shake me a little as if to snap me out of my quickly dying consciousness.

"What's wrong?" He had asked one or two — no, three times. Each time, his voice grew in urgency.

"I don't feel so good." I admitted, grabbing onto his shirt for support.

His hand pressed to my forehead, and I wondered if his mother also checked him like that as a child too.

"Damn it, Roselena." That was the last thing he said to me before I collapsed.