Middle Child Syndrome- Ian Gallagher

this is you breaking up with me

I sat in bed scrolling through my camera roll when I found some pictures from the summer of '11. The day of Debbie's party when Ian and I fell asleep on the couch and Carl and Persephone took pictures of us.

I scrolled through a bit more and found one from one of Carl's football games. I was filming Ian and trying to get him to say hi to the camera, only for him to shield his hand and laugh.

"No, Athena! My hair!" he said jokingly.

"But you look so cute!"

"Why are you filming?"

"Because it makes me happy!" I giggled.

"You're lucky you're cute!"

Then there was some from when we had our date at the pool. One of the pictures from that night was my screensaver, actually. I was wearing nothing but my black bra and underwear and he was in his boxers. The screensaver was selfie of us. We were in the pool, my hair was all wet, and Ian had his arms around my waist as he kissed my cheek.

I threw my phone down and blinked, trying not to cry. But all I could think about was that video and those pictures. I missed that Ian. The Ian who was whatever you can call normal and who wasn't batshit and had me worried sick half the time. But I knew he was gone. He'd never go back to the way he was.

The worst part? I had no one and nothing to blame it on. It's just fucking genetics. 

I smoked a bowl with Troy that night at the park. We had to be quiet and nonchalant when we returned home so no one heard us walking in late. It was a miracle that my parents never found out about my relapse. 

It was probably the best sleep of my life I ever had too.

_______________________________________________________________

I woke up the next morning to my phone running. 

Ian, Mobile.

"Hello?!"

"Hey, Thena."

"Where the fuck are you?" I said. 

"I'm outside," was all he said before hanging up.

I jumped out of bed, grabbed my jacket and slippers, and ran out of the house. As promised, Ian was outside his house on the porch steps. 

"Where the hell were you?!" I said.

"With my mom," Ian said.

"Are you ok?"

"I hate the meds," Ian said, "You gonna make me take 'em?"

"Come on, you know if we had any other choice, I wouldn't make you," I said.

"Are you gonna wanna be with me even if I don't?"

That question hit me hard. I didn't know how to answer it without saying something I'd probably regret. 

"You used to love me," Ian said shakily, "Now you don't even know who I am. Shit, I don't know who I am half the time."

"Ian, that's not it, I love you!" I said, "I'll always love you, it's just- I just- fuck!"

I shook my head, stopping myself before I said anything stupid.

"You don't owe me anything, Athena," Ian said, "Hell, you've put up with more than anyone should as it is."

"I LOVE you, Ian!" I said, my eyes tearing up.

"The hell does that even mean?"

"It means we take care of each other," I said, "Through everything. No matter what."

"I don't want you to sit around and worry about me, waiting for me to do my next crazy shit," Ian said.

I sighed as I wiped away a tear, "It's not all gonna be good, Ian. Yes, I'm gonna mourn who you were before you got sick, but you're still you, and I love you. Through good and bad, through sickness and in health."

"So, what you're gonna marry me?" he said, "Gonna buy a big ass white gown and go down to the courthouse with me?"

"Fuck you, dude," I said.

"Already did that," he said.

I scoffed, "What's wrong with you?!"

"Too much!" Ian said, "Too much is wrong with me! That's the problem, isn't it? Too much is wrong with me. And you can't do anything about that, you can't change it. You can't fix me because I don't need to be fixed, ok? I'm ME!"

Tears streamed down my face because I knew exactly what he was saying.

"So, this is it?" I said, "This is you breaking up with me?"

"Yeah," he said with tears in his eyes.

I put my hand on my chest and started softly sobbing. Ian just stood there and watched while I tried to compose myself.

"One day, Ian," I said, "One day you'll understand how much I love you. Until then, fine. I won't be in your life if that's what you want."

Ian cocked his head up, and I did too because we both heard gunshots and screaming. 

"Oh, fuck," I said. 

Mickey was running down the street for his life while Sammi was shooting at him. How the fuck was she still alive?! 

As Mickey ran past me I ducked down and covered my head, waiting until Sammi passed us. When I got up, Ian was gone.

I didn't chase after him or try to reason with him because I knew it was over. And this time, for good.