Breaking free from him

Episode 44

I woke up to some noise just outside my door. I was a bit confused of why I was here but reality later dawned on me. It seemed like a dream, a bad one but it's reality and I have to take it even though it kills me inside.

I took off the hijab that I had on and went to the bathroom to wash my face. I came out and met with Yasmeen and Sultana, Goggo Zainab and Goggo Aisha's kids, standing by the door with gloomy faces. As soon as they saw me, they both hugged me.

" Hameedah." Yasmeen cried out and I rubbed her back trying hard not to start crying.

Losing my Baba felt like a piece of my soul had been ripped away. The initial shock left me numb, unable to process the reality that he was truly gone. It was like a constant weight on my chest, making it hard to breathe, to think, to do anything.

" Allah ya jikan Baba, he is in a better place Insha Allah." Sultana said and I nodded lightly. I walked passed them and went to Mummy's room but it was filled with women so I turned back and left without greeting anyone, only some saw me but I couldn't care less, all I wanted was to see Mummy.

As I passed the hallways looking for her, random people kept on sending prayers for him that all I could do was nod, I couldn't open my mouth to respond because it would make it even more real, I couldn't even smile because it was like the reason for my smiles was gone, forever.

I was about to enter his living room when I turned back and went towards her living room. She was seated on the chair opposite the door and was wearing a black hijab as it covered her face a bit. Habarya Hawa, her sister, was seated beside her holding her hand.

I ignored all the other women by the side and walked up to Mummy, I knelt down in front of her and held her hands. Her eyes were red and tears spilled out of her eyes, she looked like she wasn't aware of her surrounding but lost in thought.

" Mummy." I called her name but she didn't reply.

" Hooyo." I cried and she looked at me and wrapped her arms around me. She cried, so much that she held my weak body to tight and close. All she repeated was Inallilahi wa ina ilayhir rajiun.

" He is gone habibty, who do I have now?" She smiled sadly through the tears.

" You have us Mummy, always." My hands shaked and she held it tighter.

I put my head on her lap and she carresed my head as people came in to greet her. I began falling asleep and I heard some people telling her to wake me up but she refused and let me lay down. I couldn't sleep but the comfort I felt in her arms was what calmed me down.

Baba's brothers came in and that's when I got up. They greeted her and I left the room to look for Rania, she must be devastated.

I tried to open her door but it was locked, I knocked but she didn't open it.

" She hasn't been out since." Yasmeen's younger sister told me and I nodded.

" Rania, it's me, Adda." I said and after a few minutes, she unlocked the door and I went in. It was dark and very cold so I snuggled up in bed with her, both of us quiet.

" I miss him." She said in a calm tone.

" I miss him too." I replied.

We talked about it and she seemed to have cried everything out, something about Rania, once she has cried, then it's all out. She lets go of everything and accepts it the way it is but I'm the opposite. I dwell on stuff for so long that it becomes part of me for a while, I don't think I can bounce back to how I was.

We stepped out and went to his living room, it was only Yusuf, Hamma Shehu and Hamma Awwal in the parlor. We sat down and Hamma told us to sit down and pray for him together, we did and the atmosphere became a bit better than how it was. I kept on getting calls so I switched off my phone and gave it to Rania.

Everywhere I turned, there were reminders of him—his chair at the dining table, the scent of his cologne lingering in the air, the sound of his laughter echoing in my mind.

The pain came in waves, sometimes overwhelming me with a surge of sorrow that brought tears I couldn't control. Other times, it was a dull, persistent ache that settled into my bones. It has just been a few hours but I miss his voice, his advice, his presence. There was a void in my life that nothing could fill, a gaping hole where he used to be.

The memories of our time together, the lessons he taught me, the love he gave me—they were all precious and bittersweet now. I found myself clinging to those memories, replaying them in my mind, trying to hold on to the type of person he was.

There was also a sense of gratitude amidst the pain. I was thankful for the years we had, for the moments we shared, for the person he helped me become. But that gratitude was often overshadowed by the longing for more time, more conversations, more chances to say "I love you." I am glad that I had a beautiful memory with him before he left, he was surrounded by his family and knowing Baba, he loves it even though he won't say it. Yesterday was a memory I would always remember and I'm glad it was with him. I'm content that we made him happy yesterday, he always used to complain that we haven't all been in the house together.

" Has he been buried?" I asked Yusuf who was seated beside me.

" We just came back from the Janaizah." He replied and I swallowed the tears that were about to erupt.

Someone came in and we all turned to see who it was, it was Ahmad.

He sat beside me and held my shoulder, pulling me towards his chest. The emotions were quite overwhelming for me as I thought about my poor dad. He seemed at peace yesterday, too peaceful, I should have noticed something was wrong, I could have stayed with him before he passed. I couldn't help but think about the possibility of him surviving if he had been taken to the hospital, he would still be alive but unfortunately that is not the case. This is qadr and we have to accept it like that.

" It's ok." He whispered into my ear as some of my tears stained his Jallabiyah.

" Bamanga?" I asked and sat up.

" He is with Mami upstairs." He replied.

" Oh Mami is here? Let me go." I stood up and walked upstairs to where Mummy was, Mami was seated beside her holding Bamanga as he drank milk from the bottle, his face stained with dried tears. My poo baby cried.

" How are you dear? He is in a better place Insha Allah. Allah ya jikan shi." She hugged me and I faintly nodded.

" Ameen." I said in a low voice. I took Bamanga from her and decided to feed him, the eyes was too much here so I went to my room. I looked at the mirror and my face was all puffy and my eyes were red, I changed so much in a matter of hours and I wondered what his death would do to me. I can't believe that I would come to this house sometimes and wouldn't see him, crave for his attention but can't get it. It hurts, so much.

I put 2 pillows behind me and positioned Bamanga in a way that he would be comfortable, he seemed to have a fever so I gave him some baby paracetamol and fed him till he fell asleep.

Hey Loves.

Hameedah is grieving and I feel bad for her.

Sorry for not posting for a while, I have been caught up with Exams so I honestly don't know when next I'll upload, maybe between today and Sunday.

Byee.