Branded for Ruin

17. HOLDING ONTO HEARTACHE

KAI

    Standing in the now darkness his eyes were locked on Spencer as she darted off in the distance. His body shook as his breath materialized in the cold air. "Spence! Come back!" He yelled out with no response. Kai sighed as he stared at the necklace in his hands. If only he would allow himself some sort of happiness.
   To him, that's what the necklace represented. A small piece of him with her at all times, not engulfed in the shadows completely. As he examined the necklace a tear fell onto it. Quickly wiping it away, he shoved the necklace into his pocket.

Pull yourself together, she is just a girl. You knew this was going to happen one way or another.

Spencer has never been just any girl. I can't let her walk away !

   Kai pulled out his phone and immediately tried to call her. To no surprise, it went straight to voicemail. He couldn't blame her though, he pulled an asshole move. Christmas Day and he had to find some way to mess it up?
   He shoved his phone into his pocket as he shivered from the cold. Putting his hands into his pockets he feels something cold and hard. Pulling it out, it was Spencer's gift. His face softened and wanted to throw up again. She put so much thought into his gift and all he could do was throw it in her face?
   Kai was disgusted with himself, she didn't deserve that. But the thought of letting himself get too close scared him. He was terrified of what he could do to fuck her up, and she was far too bright to endure that.

    He examined the entire silver piece and smiled to himself. How thoughtful she was, was one of the main things he loved about her. He loved her so much it hurts, and he hates their first kiss was to keep him from being angry.
   In such a heated moment, he did the worst thing. Possibly the best thing? His mind was running wild with all sorts of theories and thoughts. Suddenly, he put it back into his pocket. Kai gritted his teeth and began to run. Kai can't let it end like this.
Maybe if he is fast enough, he could catch up with her. Left right, left right. His feet were carrying him as much as they could. In the passing of street lamps he caught glimpses of the street names.

Just as he stops to catch his breath, through a cough, "Christ she's fast.." Taking a deep breath his eyes landed on Spencer. Her pace had slowed down, walking down her street. His vision was beginning to blur in the cold, slight tears.
"Spence!" As he yelled out Spencer turned around. Not close enough to see her face, but enough to notice the physical reaction her body responded with. Her hands cupped her face as her pace quickly picked back up.

Kai's paced picked back up, he let her walk away already, was he about to let it happen again? Spencer turned around swiftly and darted for her house. Kai's feet gained a mind of their own and gave him a speed he thought he'd never have.
"Stay away Kai!" She shouted out as her feet touched her lawn. Facing him once more he was suddenly at her feet. Slamming right into her, they tumbled to the ground. A yelp left her lips, Kai's arms around her. The two took a moment to register what exactly happened, faces inches apart.
Their eyes met, Kai's breathing was heavy and he was loss for words. He feared he would say the wrong thing again. Taking this small window to just gaze into her eyes, even if it's for the last time.

Eventually this was going to happen, it was going to be revealed that he had no plans for changing his mind. Even loving her wasn't enough to bring him back. Abruptly, Spencer shoved him off of her and sat up on the grass. "What do you want from me Kai?"
Her words pained him, hearing her wonder such a thing. Sitting up he was locked in on her, still unable to form words. Spencer sighed as she rubbed her forehead, "I'm exhausted. You end something that hasn't even happened yet.. and now you can't just let me walk away."

   Spencer let out a sigh, "I can't pull myself from you Kai, I care too deeply about you. You finally gave me an answer and you can't accept that it hurt me?" The pair stared at each other speechless for a moment. Neither of them expected the other to actually want something to happen.
    Being private about their emotions was how their friendship survived, continued. Possibly, deep down they knew once it was laid out there was no going back. "Why couldn't you just let things be the way they were? You changed everything!" Spencer shouted out as she punched him in his arm.

"I want you Spencer."

Her eyes flickered for a moment, only a second. He could see she was clenching her jaw tight. Kai grabbed her hand.

"I want you, and I shouldn't. Hatred is a vile thing, and yet you have beat all odds against it."

"Don't say shit you don't mean, that you can't take back."

"Who said I didn't mean it?"

"Kai.."

"I want you Spencer, but I just can't do it. I refuse to subject you to the world I experience."

"Why? You keep saying you can't but won't tell me why! You expect me to just accept vagueness from you? After everything?" She demanded as Kai sat up next to her completely. Throwing his hands up in surrender, he sighed in defeat.

"Living with someone who just.. just exists in hatred tends to carry on." Kai swallowed his nervousness and pride to explain. "My father doesn't have the most compassionate hand so to speak."
Kai hated talking about anything, but most of all this. Having to explain why he runs for the hills anytime someone stays around for too long. Spencer squeezed his hand, giving him a small, sad smile. Kai's eyes stayed locked onto the ground. He couldn't bring himself to face her.

"Do you think you'll turn out like your dad?"

Kai closed his eyes as he sighed deeply, "It would be my worst nightmare, and if anything happened to you, would never forgive myself." He could feel her eyes on him, opening his eyes he notices a tear down her face.
"Don't cry over me Spence.." Kai tells her as he sips it away. They sat together for a moment in silence. Kai wanted to know what was going on in her head, what she was thinking.
A while ago he would swear she looked blood hungry, but now sorrow was written all over her face. He pulls her close to him, gently wrapping his arms around her.

To his surprise, she didn't fight him about it. He played with a strand of her hair. "And I'm not telling you this to make you feel pity for me, or forget your anger towards me. But..but I need you to understand Spencer."
She laid in his arms, not facing him. His voice was shaking and his throat felt dry. "I don't believe I can give you the love you need. I would only hurt you." As the last words exacted his lips he heard a scoff from her.
Still in his arms, she turned around to face Kai. "You're hurting me now. Stop sabotaging yourself just to prove your feelings right." Kai was speechless, it wasn't even close to what he was thinking of.

"I don't know what to tell you anymore Kai. I've ran out of words." Spencer sighed deeply as she stood up from the lawn. "You kissed me..just to kiss me, not to take me home."
Spencer dusts herself off and walks onto her porch quickly. Peaking into the front door to see if her parents were up or not. She turns back to face Kai, "Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano. I can be dumb, but I'm not naive."

   "Don't you hear sincerity in my voice Spence? Please don't leave me completely!" Kai yelled out. For once, he was actually scared. Scared of the choice she might be making.
   "How can I? You've completely blurred the lines now."