Riddles | Y/N x Mattheo Riddle

Memories Are Not Scars

Mattheo's POV:

I had been enjoying myself, that's just it... had. Everything was great with Y/N and me, but every February, without fail, they return...the dreams, the memories, all of it. Unfortunately, even my happiness with Y/N wasn't strong enough to eliminate them. I've asked Tom for my prescription for aripiprazole, but in a stronger dosage, it's an antipsychotic drug that works by helping to restore the balance of certain natural substances in the brain. It decreases my hallucinations and nightmares and improves my concentration. I've kept my PTSD episode condition hidden from everyone but I'm afraid I won't be able to from Y/N. The nightmares? Those are almost on a daily but the hallucinations and sleep paralysis appear every February; severe ones at that. The doctors have said it's just the association with the memories and time, and my mind knows that. My first episode this year almost killed me, if Y/N hadn't found me in the rain that day... who knows? And it wasn't even a severe episode, so I can't imagine what would happen this month if Y/N got a little too close. 

I've been distancing myself from Y/N and I know she's noticed. Already 2 weeks into February and we haven't had sex once and only hung out maybe 4-5 times? I always tell her I'm busy or call in sick... it's not exactly lying. Unfortunately, memories are not scars, they don't fade away, they stick with you... forever. 

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I woke up again in a cold sweat, screaming. Tearstains were on my face and the covers had been thrown off. Every night I have been putting charms around me so that no one hears, because their knowing is the last thing I want. I tried to gather my breath but I couldn't move, I felt as if I was choking and all I could do was just sob into the blackness. I could feel tingling all over my body, the cool touch of a metal blade at my wrists. I could feel it, them cutting. The searing pain. But I could not move. "It's not real..." I whispered.

"It's not real. It's not real! IT'S NOT REAL!" My voice hurt, my eyes hurt everything hurt. I felt stuck, trapped. I could hear whispers in my ears, pleas, manipulative phrases. They were clouding my thoughts and flooding my brain. 

"Rise and shine sleeping beauty." Theodore ripped open my curtains and the light flooded in. Miraculously everything stopped. 

"Go away Nott," I said.

"What?" He still couldn't hear me. I broke the charm and repeated, "Go away Nott."

"No man. You're not okay. You've been skipping classes and meal times. Y/N's worried sick, she tries to sneak in and see you all the time. Get your act together man or you'll lose her before you've even had her long enough, and I know you don't want that."

He's right, I don't want that. But I also don't want to ruin her life with my stupid "dark wizards" trauma. She's a ray of light, despite every struggle, I can't bear ruining that. It's just a bit longer until my stronger dose is delivered. Tom sent the faster owl he has, per my request. I best start going to breakfasts if I want to receive it.

"Alright brother, let's go."

"There's my man, up up."

Y/N's POV:

Mattheo has been acting so strange lately and I can't help but feel I did something wrong. I've been craving the feel of his hands and his lips on mine. His deep, sultry voice and curly hair. Most of all, I miss his jokes and the sound of his laughter, an emotion that's been lacking on his face these past weeks. Enzo's been assuring me I did nothing wrong. He's been asking Elowyn, who's been asking Theodore, who's Mattheo's best friend. From all we know, Mattheo gets sick like this every February and isolates himself, I'm not sure why but I want to be there to comfort him, and he won't let me.