worldfire

tornado of amber

Everybody who says that we'll reach a stage of full acceptance and equality is a fucking liar. That was my motto.

Norman Hill Academy, 13th December

Aidan stood near me and I felt my brain slow down time once again. 

"Santi you never told me you were gay?" Aidan asked, almost as if there was a punchline coming right after his words. I felt pain. I felt uncomfortable. I felt distress. I felt anxiety. I felt amber. No matter what he was going to say after I nodded my head to say 'yes', the feeling couldn't go away. I didn't hear much of anything that he said. All I remember was his laugh, and I just assumed he was laughing at me so I walked away. The fact that he didn't follow felt like his subconscious saying that he clearly didn't care about me. I mean what was I expecting.

Lower School, Norman Hill Academy, UK, 10:40

Floors filled with red carpet was on my eyeline before I opened the bathroom door and went to a stall. They say when you have a panic attack to think positive and to think of your surroundings but I just couldn't. The dark red stall door I once had to hide behind to hide from Matteo was just adding to the amberness inside of my head. Except, the tornado brewing inside of my mind was getting stronger and stronger, almost taking power over me. My breath went away. Trying to breathe slowly and deeply, but I wasn't even connected to my own head to control myself anymore. I felt hot, I felt cold, I felt like I was everything bad and nothing good and my heart was starting to drive up its rhythm and I-

I-

I-

I suddenly felt alright? The tornado I mentioned had dissipated and left me slightly confused as an aftermath. Well, it wasn't like that was my first time dealing with a storm in my mind. After the storm ended, I was left feeling more empty than usual. Like as if someone had just ran and took... well.. me. The emptiness also took my time awareness away, the storm started at around 10:40 and it was now 11:36, time for me to meet with Hazel.

Norman Hill Academy, 11:36 

Walking on the third floor and looking for the exit that would bring me to the school field, I walked past crimson classrooms and fluorescent lights and walked past the trio I once used to know like brothers. They laughed at me as I walked past them with fake confidence. Pushing past the door that always made that annoying squeak noise, I walked onto the field.

The field was a massive plot of land that could probably fit around 245 cars, maybe 247 if you stretch it? I saw brown waist length hair flowing in the distance and knew immediately - I had found her. But across the green grass and green trees, I saw she was speaking to someone. Someone I don't like. My eyes widened to see Hazel speaking to Dhestini and her friends. Sudden harsh wind in my face reminded me that nobody about what Dhestini did to me except me and her. And it was too much of an inconvenience to ask Hazel to stop speaking to her. Clutching my black and red blazer in one hand, I turned around and looked for the door that would bring me inside.

13th December, 19:18, 49 Halldon Road, Southgrove, UK

Head first to my mattress, my phone laid next to me as my only company. And then..

"Aidan sent you a chat!" my phone lit up, ready to provide me with everything I ever wanted and more. Could you tell I was being sarcastic?

I thought about opening his message or leaving him to the past. Then suddenly, the tornado from earlier gave me the company I undesired. My finger had no choice but to tap the message.

'hey i wna say sorry abt how i did u earlier mb.'

'k'

'its a dog eat dog world at our schl so dont blame me. idec that ur gay its jst that matteo dared me'

'why r u even friends w him he litch attacked me' I was left on received, proving that he had no real answer. Deciding to take a little trip down memory lane, I looked at my photos. Each encapsulated moment in time blessing my vision just so I could remember that point. Videos of Hazel and I caught my attention. She stood behind a cake with more candles than I could be bothered to count and smiled as she blew them out. I remember looking at her and wondering how she was always happy her whole life.

Speaking of the devil, Hazel's contact name and my ringtone suddenly appeared on my phone screen. I had missed her anyways, considering she has spent her time with Dhestini and her people.

"Hey Santi!" Hazel said over the phone. "You know Amari is texting me right now?"

"Really?"

"Yeah.. I mean I told him I wanted to stop speaking to him and he's just acting weird."

"Ohh. I'm sorry Hazel. How's Evan?"

"Terrible. Just so you know... that's over too. But I don't care about those volatile creatures, cause I'm texting someone new!" Hazel beamed over the phone. Even though it wasn't FaceTime, I could hear the smile in her voice. "I mean, you may not know him, but his name is Sylas." Right. At that moment in time I suddenly regretted only venting to the notes app on my phone.

She just went on and on about how perfect Sylas was for her and I was trying to support her. Her words were all about how handsome and how great he was. It wasn't Hazel's fault, but the betrayal that I felt during that moment was on a different level.

And I love Hazel as a friend, but this is just unfair.