Don't let this be real...please

Chapter 20

They both knew it was time to ask for help, they couldn't heal until they did but who could they ask, who would be willing to help them? Who would know how to help them? All they knew is that they both needed help, granted it also takes time to heal, but without help they would never heal.

Her hands shook as she walked into the office where autumn was who had looked up the moment she entered, she could see the concern in the others face and it just made her want to break down sobbing, but she didn't, she could do this, every step she took, her whole body grew heavier and heavier.

The memories from that day flooding back into her mind, the contractions, the pain, the fear, but most importantly the look on Reece's face, her cries sounded through her ears it was like she was out of her body and just watching the scene happen all over again.

The day she had lost her baby, was the worst day of her life and here she was living it all over again, in this exact office was the day her waters broke, the day she left this office with a baby still alive, only to come back with her arms feeling empty, where a baby should be.

It felt like her heart was breaking all over again, and she felt herself break, tears rushing down her face as she closed her eyes shut tightly trying to block out the memory so desperately but she couldn't, the fear of it all hitting her once again, the pain she had felt.

It was like it was happening all over again and she couldn't do anything to stop it, she felt helpless once again, arms wrapped around her and she collapsed into them sobbing, this isn't how it happened, her eyes opened and she realised she was in autumns arms still in the office but now in present time.

She heard the youngers reassuring words, telling her it was going to be okay, that she was going to be okay, but it was lies. She was lying, she had been okay until finally she wasn't, once again she was broken, her heart was practically made of glass, one wrong move and it could break, but her heart had been broken, the day her baby died was when something inside of her broke, something that could not be fixed, at least she couldn't fix it.

"I can't-" she was cut off by a sob ripping its way out of her throat and she couldn't do anything to stop it, she felt as if though she couldn't breathe, the weight of it all falling down on to her in one big full swoop, she was breaking all over again, she heard the younger speak yet she couldn't make out the words, the sentence falling on deaf ears, she couldn't speak, she couldn't do anything but sob, and break down all over again.

It was like a cycle, a cycle that would continue for she didn't know how long but it had already been 4 months and here she was, not over it and breaking like she did when she had first found out, sometimes she wished she had died too that day, she knew it was selfish, but she so desperately wished she had gone towards the light, towards the sound of her baby's voice but she didn't.

Autumns hand started to stroke her hair as she sobbed, letting every bit of anguish and sorrow out but every time she felt like she had let it all out, more sobs came, it was like she would never stop crying, she felt alone even when she had people that surrounded her with warmth and love, she still felt alone.

"I don't want to remember but I can't stop remembering." She sobbed every word out clinging to autumn like she was a lifeline, clinging onto her to keep her grounded and keep her in the present, she didn't want to think about the time she lost her baby, it hurt her too much but she knew she had to let herself feel it, let herself feel all the grief so she could finally be able to heal.

Even though it hurt, it hurt so much, but she had to let herself to feel the hurt, to feel the anguish and sorrow she felt, she fears if she doesn't she will become emotionless, like a doll who just has the same expression on her face all the time and she couldn't let that happen because that was not her, she was someone that felt everything so much deeper.

So she allowed herself to feel the pain of it all, breaking even more as she did, sobs wracking through her entire body as she cried and sobbed, but what else was she to do? She couldn't even stop it if she tried, autumn was there as she sobbed, whispering incoherent soothing sentences to try and get her to calm down but she didn't, it only made her sob more.

She didn't even know if she could do this job any more, every living moment she spent in this nursery was a reminder of what she lost, or what she could've had but ended up losing, the office is where it first started, where she went into labour, and every time she walked into the office or sat in that same chair, it all came rushing back to her.

And every single time it caused her heart to break again and again and again, what else could she do? She didn't think she wanted to leave this job, she had worked here for 15 years, maybe more, and she had made friends here, if she did what else was she supposed to do? The thought of leaving everyone only made her sob more.

The pain of losing her child, a child that she nurtured in her belly for 7 months, was gone, and had be gone for 4 months, she would always be gone, the fact of all that only made Marjorie sob more, it felt like her whole world was crashing down, she was well and truly broken.

"Marjorie, just breath for me, it's okay." Autumns voice registered in her brain, and she sobbed some more "I can't- I don't know what to do autumn." She sobbed, autumn pulled back stroking the others cheek trying to wipe the tears away but only more came "I know, but you've got this, your going to be okay, I will be here to help you and so will Reece." She soothed.

Marjorie looked at her, her eyes glistening with more tears as she looked into the others eyes seeing the sincerity behind them "okay?" Autumn said, both her hands coming to rest on her face, her thumbs wiping the tears that came "you are okay, you'll be okay." Autumn soothed whispering, her voice a quiet whisper.

Marjorie nodded, shedding a few more tears "I can't-" she took a deep breath "I can't look at this office the same anymore, and I don't know what to do, every second I'm here, it's a reminder of what I lost." Marjorie whispered, her voice meek and filled with tiredness, autumn only soothed her more bringing her into another hug.

"I know, I know but I promise it won't always be like that okay? You'll be okay, I promise." She soothed and for once she believed that she would be okay, it would just take time, she felt tears fill her eyes once again, the tears slid down her cheeks and she muffled her sob into autumns shoulder, wetting her T-shirt but autumn didn't care, she just wanted to be there for her.

She wanted to be there for her friend, she didn't care about anything else, just Marjorie right now, she needed to make sure she wouldn't do anything stupid just in case, she rubbed her back soothingly "we all love and care for you, and I'm going to be here every step of the way." Autumn soothed, Marjorie only cried more nodding her head against her.