After many nights of crying in my room and venting to my friends about you. I'm realizing that I didn't lose myself from that relationship. What I did lose was my time.
I feel sorry for you. I do. But I feel sorry for myself even more. Because I know it's going to take time for me to move on from you. So right now I'm just pretending to not care for you. I tell everyone how I'm doing great and I do. But I get some days where I do miss you. I miss the person I was living life with. Now I have to do it without you. I know it's best for both of us.
When I see you in person it's like my healing phase starts over. Everything you made me feel goes out the door and it's like nothing ever happened.
And the truth is I still have a soft spot for you. I still care for you. I analyze everything you do. You brought the cart towards me knowing I could do it but you did it for me anyway. And I know that you still remember that I love acts of service. When people do things for me. You know that it makes me feel special and I appreciate it when someone does it for me ESPECIALLY when that person is someone I still care for.Like why are you being nice to me? Acting like nothing happened? Are you also pretending to not have feelings for me? Of course, you still do. We were our both first relationship. Everyone told me you were so obsessed with me. You told me I was your everything. That I was "special" to you. I knew that nothing would ever separate us because I thought our love was strong. But I guess one of us didn't love the other person as much as the other.
I thought I was the love of your life. I thought I meant everything to you. That you promised me that you would never leave me... you promised... YOU PROMISED TO ME!!!!.....
.... and that hurts so much. The person I trusted the most, my everything, was the one to walk out. To give up our relationship.
Plot twist. "He leaves her because he is scared. Scared of commitment..."
Scared? Or just didn't love me enough to be more? Didn't love me to do whatever it took to be with me. Take a bullet or drive hours to see me. I was willing to give up EVERYTHING just to be with you. I was willing to change to be with you and work things out...
You never cared to think about MY feelings. How I was going to be affected after this? You say
"We are too different"
And I thought that it meant just our personalities but now I'm realizing that it wasn't just that. It was that we had different goals in life. You wanted to stay in the same place and not move or change because it's hard for you and I like change. It's how we grow in life. I wanted someone who was on the same level as me. Someone who is going or studying school has a well-paid job, is financially stable, and is independent. And the sad truth is that you didn't match MY standards. I felt you had to catch up to me. And I am sorry for wanting to change you. I didn't know that I had these expectations until I started dating you. I just thought
"Oh he is a Christian guy and seems nice to talk to, I want to date him!"
But as time passed you were right, we are different. 'Too different'. We have different standards of living, and spending money. I am sorry for rushing you into marriage, I was just excited to have a life together but I guess it was a dream for one of us.
But it doesn't matter anyway because that's all in the past. I can think of all the "what ifs" and what I could have said to you but it is not worth looking in the past but the future.
I'll just pretend that it never happened. I'll keep moving forward while having a soft spot for you. Because every time I look into your eyes I see what could have been the future. Our future. I'll pretend I don't care for you, that you don't mean anything to me. Because eventually, you'll do the same to me. So I'm just getting a head start so when it happens it'll hurt less.