You were my everything.
I'm thankful that my first boyfriend was you. I've never had a bad experience with you. The time we had together was like euphoria. A dream come true. I wrote you the note that I was going to give to my first boyfriend. Honestly, for being my first boyfriend, you were the best one yet.
We did our firsts together, which was so special. I loved how shy you would get whenever I teased you. It was so cute. I loved how much you cared for me. Whenever I was eating and had my hair in the way of me eating, you'd tuck my hair behind my ear. Hehe, I loved that! The forehead kisses melted me. It felt like you kissed my heart and kept me safe.
You made me feel so safe. It never made me feel insecure about myself. You were my biggest fan! I remember the dreams you had about me. The dreams of us having kids and being together.
You were my first real boyfriend. You never had bad intentions with me. I'm glad that we ended on somewhat good terms. It could have ended worse. Cheating, losing out of love, anything. But the fact that we weren't meant to be still hurts my little heart.
I loved the nicknames you gave me
"Cupcake!"
The hugs after not seeing you, I loved everything about you.
I still love you... and I try not to. We're not together anymore. It's hard to think of you as just a regular person. And I'm trying to let you go. But as long as I'm working with you, I can't move on because I see you, and I get butterflies. I still have feelings for you. Plus, with all the work drama, it hasn't been easy. I sometimes feel like I was the one who was more affected by this. People talked at work when we started dating and now it's even worse once we aren't together. Of course, they would never ask you. But they don't hesitate when they come up to me and ask "Are you back together with him?" When I talk to you. You don't have to deal with people coming up to you and telling their opinion. I'm so sick and tired. Of everything. Having to deal with what sometimes feels like a hole that I fell. Deep down into the ground. But once I find a new job. I will be able to move in from you.
I'm glad that I was able to say
"My first boyfriend was so sweet to me,"
It was young love. Everything felt like a dream. It was fun while it lasted. Because we grew up and wanted different things. And it's okay if they didn't work out. I don't know about you, but I learned so much from that relationship. I have things to work on, my faith, career, and figuring out my future and life.
We were so young and not ready for a relationship. But I'm glad for the memories we had. I'm glad you were a part of the story of my life.
If you do find someone, I hope she makes you happy. I hope I gave that standard you had with me just like you did to me. That you'd remember the small things I did for you. The cards I snuck in your lunch bag. The times I took care of you when you got sick. The safe place where you told me everything. When I visited you at the airport to see you because I missed you so much that I couldn't wait.
I hope I was everything to you. Just like you were to me.
But you're now my ex, and most people have hatred towards their ex. But while you never did anything "bad," like cheating on me or something like that. It still hurt my feelings that we had to end it. While I may not hate you, I just feel uncomfortable because you were once my everything, and now you're not.
I can't hate you because I still care for you. I can't be mean because I have a soft spot for you. It's SO hard not walking up and talking to you at work. Because I try so hard to leave it in the past and ignoring you hurts me too. Either way, whether I talk to you or not it still hurts. Just a different level of hurt. If I don't talk to you then I feel like I'm the bad guy and just "immature" for you. But when I do talk to you then I feel like I'm bothering you. While you said I wasn't and you told me when it did. I think that you also enjoy talking to me too. You say that you're fine and doing "better" and sure I've said that too but honestly I'm just coping with it. I'm not okay. Seeing you just makes me nervous still and well I still love you. You can't tell me that after all these months of being apart, you don't love me anymore? It's still there you just brush it off and pretend it's not there. Because that's what I'm doing. Like I told you that day
"I don't know what's right at this point"
So much was and is going through my head. As much as I try not to, you're always on my mind. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. it's like a drug.
I go through the day just trying to ignore it. I have some days where it does get to me, and I crash into a crying session.
I sometimes think about the past on what happened. Why did he crash? How bad was it that we couldn't work it out? Was I the problem? Was I not good enough for you? I gave you my everything, and it feels like it was just something you weren't ready for.
You weren't ready.
We weren't ready.
And then I think. . . "What if?" Someday in the future, I see you. I'm not getting my hopes high. But in a perfect world... I would still choose you. I dreamed of being together.
I sometimes wonder if I ever did something wrong in our relationship that made you think I wasn't good enough for you. What happened? Was I too bossy? Too straightforward? Too much for you? Something made you doubt our relationship and me. Was I a bad girlfriend? Did someone tell you not to be with me? It was like I didn't recognize you. When you told me to break up. It wasn't the Sam I knew. It was like talking to a stranger. Did you fall out of love with me? Did you get bored and just thought that loving and being with me wasn't worth it?
I think about that every single day. The things I wished I had done differently.
And when you broke up with me. I could tell your heart was hurt. Like you didn't want to do it. Because it was hard to tell me. Or admit that you couldn't continue our relationship. It felt like you didn't love me enough to be with me. What happened to the
"I'm excited for our future together."?
And all the promises you made. I thought we could make it together. Would you have stayed together if we had gotten married 3 years later? Was it because I kept pressuring you in marriage that you couldn't do it? Was that not your dream? It was mine. I wanted to get married, and I knew from about 6 months into dating. We could have gotten married, but it felt like I was forcing you to marry me. Like you didn't crave it as much as I did. Again, I'm sorry for wanting to make my dream come true.
It was best that we did break up. We have things to work on ourselves. And MAYBE... we'll see each other in the future. Then, by then, I'll know that God did want me to be with you. But if that never happens, I'm glad that I met you. I'm glad you were my favorite boyfriend I've had. I have so many good memories with you, Sam!
From strangers to friends, to lovers, and back to strangers.
Have a good life without me, Sam.
Your ex: Steph
