I'm at that point in life where, for once, I'm not upset with you. I'm not mad (and I meant it when I said I wasn't earlier to you that I wasn't I still was) because I'm slowly starting to see that my life didn't end there. I'm not fully broken because I know the bright future that is waiting for me.
I wrote you a card the day we broke up and talked about it. I thought that by saying whatever I needed to say in that note would make the hurt less painful. You know I'm not good at expressing my feelings. Writing them down and giving you my thoughts, looking back was probably a lot for you too to take in. We were in a very vulnerable situation.
I still remember clearly that evening in the park across from my house. You met me after work. That whole week, I was so anxious for our future. It was now or never. I hated that week we didn't talk to each other, I couldn't sleep well because I was mentally preparing for whatever happened. You know I wanted to break up with you earlier in our relationship. I was going to decide for us, not just in the week we had our break before our Mexico trip together. When I realized that you delayed our engagement plan and were hesitant about our future. I wasn't sure if I could have someone like that. I didn't plan a specific day that I was going to break up with you because while my head told me the reality, my heart couldn't. And I couldn't... I couldn't hurt you. I knew you loved me so much and the thought of leaving you and telling you to break up.... I didn't have the strength to do it because I loved you so much.
So much... I couldn't do it. I knew you would have hated me so much, and I did it once with the guy I had before. I couldn't hurt someone again. It would have haunted me.
I've never seen a man cry so much, you cried a lot that day. It made my heart sad seeing you cry. I could tell that it wasn't easy for you. I sometimes think to myself,
"If he loved me that much why did he have to end it? I thought he loved me?"
I never knew why, you were so in love with me. I could tell, your eyes twinkled every time you saw me. You'd gaze into my eyes and get lost in admiring me. I've never had someone look at me the way you did. You told me every day you loved me. You told me you'd never leave me. It all felt real, it felt like you did love me. You treated me like a princess. I loved the random foot massages you gave me. The little songs you sang to me when I couldn't sleep (hearing your voice comforted me and felt like you were there with me) brought a blanket when we saw hockey games because you knew I was always cold. All of that hold a special place in my heart, I felt so loved by you. I remember joking if something had happened to us you would freak out and say
"I promise I won't leave you. . ."
And after all that. You had the guts to tell me you can't do it anymore. Did I not mean anything to you? Were you faking and lying to me the entire time? Playing with my feelings and getting my hopes up? Gosh, we were talking about moving in and having kids together. You'd give me forehead kisses, tell me how much you love me. Held me in your arms when I was crying. That was a different level of intimacy that I'd never had with anyone.
Was it maybe because you feel out of love with me? That at some point in our relationship you didn't love me as much as you thought you did. Because then that would have made more sense.
"I don't love you anymore"
You had guts to end the relationship because you felt nothing towards me. I'm just a person you knew. Nothing else.
Anyway, whatever the reason was, I'm glad that you did end things. Like I said, I'm not upset with you, anymore. I do miss you and care for you. Do I miss our relationship? Yes, would I go back? No. Because for the first time in my life. I know what I want in life. In a partner, in friends, everything.
Looking back on that day, I remember you telling me
"Not to offend you, but you're immature.."
You then explained the time I got upset when you didn't give me my birthday card. I am sorry for acting that way. I'm sorry that I wasn't the perfect girl you wanted me to be.
While you were right, I was immature. You do know I am 4 years younger than you? I did ask you when we stayed dating if it bothered you, and you said it didn't. So why the excuse? It was a kinda lame one because it seemed like you wanted me to become a perfect girl for you. Someone who's the same age as you and doesn't have tempered problems and can handle their emotions. I know that I have things to work on, but being immature did offend me. I didn't know what to say at the time. I was processing everything and just stayed quiet to avoid any conflict.
You know everyone has problems, we are not perfect, and no one is except Jesus. How did you expect me not to be immature if the person who told me also has problems, too?
I am sorry I was an immature little girl to you.
The little girl is just starting their adulthood. She is still learning how to navigate through life. And she thought she had a mature man who would not judge her but support her. Instead, he looked at her as just a little girl and that he was better than her.
And coming out from you telling me that wasn't helpful. Every day, I have my little voice telling me
"Do better. You're not a teenager anymore. You have to act and think like an adult."
And it's hard! Have a bit of mercy. You at least had 4 years of learning. Like I said, for once in my life, I know what I want to do. I want to be a successful, hard-working woman, be married, and have kids. But that will come later on.
But I couldn't have made those dreams if I was still with you. After our breakup, it felt like this weight off my shoulders. I didn't have to worry about finding a stable full-time job to support our marriage. I felt bad that you had a full-time job, and I was struggling to get one. You were there with me, it's so difficult to find jobs without education or experience. Plus the stress of our marriage and our future. I felt like that was the end of my life. I got married and then had kids, but it felt so fast. While I didn't mind, I wasn't thinking of MY goals. One of them was getting married, of course, but I wanted a career I was proud of. I didn't want to worry about money. It felt like I had to catch up to becoming an adult like you.
Reality was. We weren't ready for marriage. While I wanted to, at least for me, I am too young to get married. Honestly, getting married at 23 or 24 would be amazing! I would have my life figured out, but then. Career wise at least. I would be stable both financially and I'll save up enough to buy my place. My car, everything. . .
While our relationship didn't work out. I don't regret being with you. Because everything happens for a reason. Thank you for making the decision. I know I couldn't have done it. I know I have grown so much as a person since then. Being in the relationship and out of it taught me so much. You were so kind to me, I will always remember your kind heart and the gestures you did for me. While I'll never forget you. I'll always remember my first LOVE.
Thank you, for the year we had. It's goodbye to our separate paths.
I loved you so much, my little chef.
Thank you for reading, and for the amazing adventure we had together, now that chapter is closed and is now just a memory. Thank you for everything!
Love: your chocolate cupcake with sprinkles 🧁 Steph 💗
