Surviving Stirling

Chapter Thirty Eight

I stared up at the house until it morphed into a blur and blended with the trees. Neither of us spoke, both of us internally panicking.

"It feels selfish." He unexpectedly shattered the silence. "Going in there and telling him what I've kept hidden all of this time just to get out of my deal with Dean Wilson."

"You're anything but selfish Stirling, you were so upset over him hurting your brother that you nearly killed him and went to prison for it. Even now that you're out of prison you are not free to live your life, because Dean Wilson has forced you into this stupid gang. If Kingsley knew you did all of that to protect him, I know he would turn things around in a heartbeat in order to protect you. Neither of you are selfish, it's actually quite heroic how you put each other first."

"I kill people Aurelia, that's not heroic."

"Maybe you should let me talk to him, alone."

Those stormy blue eyes focused on me with seriousness. "Alone? No, I've carried this with me for five years. I should be the one to confront him."

"That's exactly what I don't want it to feel like Stirling, a confrontation. You guys don't have the best relationship and I don't want it to feel like we're ganging up on him and pushing him into a corner. Trust me, this will be better coming from me."

He looked back at the house again, unsure.

"Okay."

I pressed the button to unlatch my seatbelt and he turned back to me with a sense of urgency, "don't make him feel bad."

"I won't."

"Don't make him feel like he doesn't have a choice. I will keep doing this if that's what he wants."

I didn't say anything, I didn't have time to before he spoke out another demand.

"Don't make him feel like he's not going to be accepted for who he is. Don't make—"

"Stirling," I breathed out a sigh, "relax. He's my best friend, you don't need to protect him from me."

He sucked in a breath, he was really nervous. I reached over and took hold of his clammy hand, placing a chaise kiss to the back of it.

"It will be fine."

"It's different for us Aurelia. We both live in constant fear that every person we love is going to turn their backs on us and abandon us.

I deal with that fear by never letting anyone get close to me. He deals with that fear by making sure everyone loves him so they couldn't possibly leave.

I know that's why he's never felt confident enough to tell anyone about Dean Wilson, about his sexuality. His life is an ever running train of impressing people, living up to their expectations, pleasing them and making them proud.

"That sounds exhausting."

"Just make him feel loved."

I nodded before exiting the car. He didn't follow me out, opting to stew in his own nervousness instead. I fiddled with my fingers, if only to busy them so that I didn't bite my nails to a stump.

Honestly, I had no idea how I was going to approach it. Funnily, over the last twenty four hours I had tried to run over how I thought this conversation would go in my mind but now, in the moment, I was drawing a blank.

"Kingsley?" I shouted for him the second I walked through the door, feeling like I had circus animals flipping around my insides.

He came racing downstairs at the sound of my voice and pulled me into a gigantic hug. I needed that. For him to grip hold of me tightly and give me the comfort he never even knew I wanted.