Surviving Stirling

Chapter Thirty Nine

The floor creaked as he paced over it - backwards and forwards, backwards and forwards, rhythmic like the pendulum of a grandfather clock.

To be honest it was making me feel dizzy to constantly have my eyes flicker from left to right following the flow of his movements.

He was biting his nails, willing up the courage to walk into that room and do the scariest thing he's ever needed to do.

Every few paces he would reach out for the door handle before changing his mind and resuming the pacing.

"Maybe we can try again tomorrow?" I asked, knowing full well we had repeated this very same dance for the last three days straight.

Stirling stood slumped against the wall, also watching his brother. "I've told you, you don't need to do this until you're ready. Don't put pressure on yourself, tell her when it feels right."

"I don't think I'll ever be ready. My stomach is twisting with nerves, it's not a good feeling but you've carried my weight for years, now it's my turn."

"I know you're afraid Kingsley but she going to accept you and love you all the same." I encouraged.

"You don't know that Rae." His pacing continued.

"Kingsley!" Sandy yelled out, "could you come in here for a moment?"

The three of us lingered a suspicious look at one another and suddenly my pulse began to jump.

Kingsley sucked in a breath, "sometimes the fear does not subside and you must go on to do it afraid."

His hand clasped around the door handle and instead of him backing away, this time he opened the door, entered the room and closed it behind him.

The silence suddenly got extremely loud, Stirling and I exchanged a look. Almost at the exact same time we got the same intrusive thought to listen in with our ears pressed up against the door.

Sandy was asking him how to work the television remote, the volume switch wasn't playing ball. I rolled my eyes as they exchanged words about batteries and pressing the buttons down harder.

After he fixed it for her I could sense his hesitation, a little fear prickled up my spine. Sandy was from an older generation, what if she didn't accept him?

"Mom?"

"Yes love?"

Oh no, this was it.

Dread squeezed my trachea shut.

I could not breathe so I held my breath.

"There's something I've been wanting to tell you for a while now but I've been struggling to find the right words."

"What is it honey?" Her voice was so soft and melodic, urging a sense of calm.

"I've recently been thinking about how there's someone out there for everyone, you know, someone to love and someone to love you?"

"Yes?"

He was losing confidence and going off on a tangent. C'mon Kingsley, you can do it.

"I have never met my person yet but would you be disappointed in me or upset if I told you that when I do finally find my person, they're going to be the same sex as me?"

Emotion cramps the air, on one level I felt terrified for him because her rejection would feel like a gigantic slap in the face. On another level I felt overwhelmed with pride, he did it.

"What are trying to tell me Kingsley?"

"Mom, I prefer to date men. I'm gay."

Stirling and I shot another glance at one another.