Lost in Translation

Chapter 36: Nowhere to Run

———Anthony———

Friday, July 12th, 2019

Ben said he loved me.

Ben said he loved me, and I didn't say it back.

Ben said he loved me, I didn't say it back, and he... fell asleep? Did he realize I didn't say it back? Was he going to remember that he said it at all? Did he even mean to say it? Why the fuck couldn't I just be normal about this?

I was freaking out, and I was freaking out big time. But with Ben sleeping blissfully unaware in my arms, I didn't understand why I was freaking out or how to talk myself out of it.

I had known how he felt. He made it obvious tonight long before he said it. And fuck, I had almost blurted out the same thing like a week ago. The feelings were mutual, so why did the words die in my throat? What was I scared of? I was fine until he said it. I was more than fine; I was floating on Cloud 9. I was...

What the fuck is wrong with me? I thought to myself miserably as I unsuccessfully tried to slow my breathing. Not only was I freaking the fuck out, I felt super guilty about it. Ben deserved someone who would be happy about his confession instead of having a full-blown crisis over it.

Between the pressure of the bond, James' encouragement, and my lack of better judgment, I had started to think that things with Ben were really going to work out, but now... I was hit with the ugly realization that I was just fundamentally broken. I felt raw, like an exposed nerve. As I watched Ben sleep peacefully, I felt waves of different emotions crash through me... love that I couldn't admit out loud, guilt for being so fucked up, fear for what tomorrow would bring...

Oh, gods. Tomorrow. Dinner.

Panic almost immediately outstripped every other emotion I had, and my skin started to crawl. I knew that the desire to run that I was feeling was fucked up and unfair to Ben, but even still, I didn't want to lose him. After tonight, I didn't think I could take a step backward by canceling dinner without major consequences, but I was afraid that if I went through with it, I would risk revealing how fucked up I was and lose him anyway.

My panic crossed the threshold of what I could stand as the sky started to lighten in the early hours of the morning, bringing with it the imminent threat of the new day. I wanted to pretend that I was doing this for Ben, that it was better this way, that I could get myself back to normal without him seeing it— seeing me— like this... but I knew that wasn't true. I was just too afraid to face him. So I left a hastily scribbled note on my pillow and slipped out of the back door like the coward that I was.

——————

Saturday, July 13th, 2019

I texted James, but I unsurprisingly didn't get a response with how early it was. I didn't know what to do. My body was aching to run, but I didn't know where to.

I somehow ended up back at my house. James' car was there, but the lights were off. I hesitated as I anxiously fiddled with my keys in the driveway. James would not have cared that I woke him up, and I don't know why, but I just... couldn't. When I thought about explaining to him what happened and why I was here, I felt like I was choking.

I swallowed hard and jumped into my car. I pulled out of the driveway and started driving, but as I got close to the pack gate, I felt a different kind of panic well up. I pulled a highly illegal U-turn and sped toward the nearest mountain trail. I parked like a jackass and threw myself out of the car, undressing and shifting as quickly as possible.