Better Than The Books

Chapter Five

~IVY~

The music switches to 'Where We Belong'.

"Ivy, are you ready?"Gavin speaks in my ear for me to hear in this loud noise.

I shiver at the sudden proximity, he is just a few inches from me.

Yes, to talk to you Ivy!

"Hmm", I nod.

I am not. I am definitely not.

Why did I even accept to do this?

He takes my hand as if he somehow senses my worry. If only he knew why, why all my body's shaking and I can't do anything about it; why every step I take towards the dance floor intensifies my fear; why all my blood drained out of my veins, leaving me empty and alone to face my very worst fear.

If only he knew.

At the same time, it feels nice to finally get a new start and be with someone who doesn't know. It feels nice to be looked at the way he looks at me: innocently.

He doesn't know.

"I'm here, okay?" his reassuring voice echoes in my ears, "I'm not leaving."

But soon he will. When he'll know. He will leave, just like everyone else did.

So just for these twenty minutes we'll share together, just for this night, I won't tell him. But I make myself the promise to tell him if we ever get closer and spend more time together. Then, I will. But not now. Just for this short instant, I want to feel like everyone else, like a simple, a normal person.

He drags me at the center of the dance floor, his hand still in mine.

'Just tell me that you are the only one', the music continues playing in the background. And even though it's very loud, all I can hear is the beating sound of my heart.

Way too loud, way too fast.

We finally stop on the dancefloor, my hands shaking, my breath unsteady.

"Are you okay?"Gavin squeezes my hand hard, as if it would stop my shaking.

No. No I am not.

As I get lost in his eyes, his as-deep-as-the-ocean pair of eyes, I remember the promise I made myself. Live normally. Just for this night.

"Yes", I put a fake smile on my face, quickly replaced by a real one, a larger one as Gavin starts dancing.

He makes me spin and I almost forget about it all, about all my problems. I almost forget this night engraved in my memory. I am almost okay. But only almost. I don't think I have ever been totally okay after the incident, and I don't think I'll ever be.

Another spin, another smile.

Yet my mind's still fixated on the incident, my heart's still beating too fast.

"You sure?"Gavin asks, "You look pale."

Shakiness, fast heartbeat, looking pale.

It's happening. Again.

I drop his hand: "I have to go, sorry."

"No, wait", he pulls me back to him, "You're not going anywhere alone feeling this way."

I can feel his breath on my neck as he whispers these almost inaudible words.

He drags me to a calm place.

My head starts turning, I'm feeling dizzy all of the sudden.

I almost bang against a wall, my vision blurs.