Gentle Epiphany // Criminal Minds

Chapter Nineteen - The Riddle

♜ Spencer ♜

I couldn't look away from Daphne since I got back from Nevada. It felt like my heart was aching to be near her. I've kept my distance, trying to respect her wishes of remaining friends. There were so many times when I wanted to interrupt her at the cafe a few weeks ago. Wanted to tell her that I did feel the same way. But I could see it in her eyes, how humiliated and hurt she was.

I keep telling myself that being friends with her was the smart decision. That dating her would only complicate working together. It is evident I can't keep a clear head around her. If I were to act on my feelings, to have her in the way my body craves her. There would be no rational thoughts when it came to her, especially at work. I would be a hindrance to myself and our team.

So being friends, no matter how painful it feels at times was for the best.

At least that's what I keep telling myself but leaning against the table alone in a room with her. Those blue eyes staring back at me...how could I believe friends is for the best? I could barely think earlier today when I saw her in her white dress looking absolutely stunning. I worried for a moment, why she would be dressed up. I didn't want to know the answer. Afraid of what it would be.

My heart is screaming for me to tell her how I feel. The words on the tip of my tongue, my body already leaning into her, begging to pull her into my arms and kiss her. I've never wanted so desperately to feel someone's lips on mine the way I want to feel hers. It's been torture to deny my feelings. Torture to sit here and let her believe that I just want to be friends.

I search her eyes, the look on her face tells me she feels it, that she hasn't completely lost her feelings for me. You can't just shut them off. Your heart doesn't forget, not that easily.

I like you, I like you, I like you. My head screams for my mouth to voice the words.

"Daphne I..." I begin before I'm interrupted by Morgan. My confidence dying with my words. I need to create distance between us because every time I'm near her all I think about is what it would feel like to kiss her.

Hearing her admit her feelings, it's changed everything and yet nothing at all.

Holding her in my arms today felt right. Then she whispered that she missed me and I couldn't let go...didn't want to let go. I have missed everything about us since the moment I found out that she saw that kiss. Have missed her stolen glances, or the way her cheeks would redden when she caught my eyes linger on her. Missed the way she found excuses just to talk to me or the way she would sit on my desk comfortably reading one of her books enjoying the closeness. Mostly I missed her, just her.

But she just wants to be friends, because no matter how unintentional it was...I hurt her. My words, had hurt her long before that kiss with Lila. I tried to convince myself that Daphne Moore never saw me more than a friend. Whether it was out of self preservation or just plain stupidity when it comes to women, I contiuned to call her just a friend and she believed me. Believed that I could not possibly find her to be the most incredible, beauitful, kind, intelligent, fascinating woman I have ever known.

No matter how many PHd's I collect, or how remarkable my IQ is, I don't know how to tell the girl I like how much I want her.

I'm staring at her again, I realize this, I can feel the way my cheeks begin to flush but I can't force myself to look away because I don't want to.

"Reid, how many books do you think are published in a year?" Hotch questions behind us my eyes slowly tearing away from her. That awful feeling of loss back in the pit of my stomach.

"In the whole world?" I clarify. Because there is a difference between the whole world and our continent. He nods his head in answer, "Thousands." I take this opportunity to get distance from Daphne once more. My body seeming to naturally gravitate towards her without realizing until I'm standing next to her staring like a love sick puppy. I focus on the board with our evidence and notes pinned, listening to Morgan complain.