A Neat Mess

6. Beneath the Cacophony

The kitten incident occurred before Sam found a way to address Jenna's troubles at school. Knowing her child well, Sam realised that typical punishments like time-outs wouldn't work; Jenna would simply return and repeat the behavior or do something worse.

Sam pondered the helplessness a parent feels when a child experiences fear or shame. The plan to use positive reinforcement was shattered with three dead little kittens most likely murdered, on their hands

Jenna was no stranger to the concept of death. Last summer, on their way back from a swimming lesson, they saw a dog get hit by a car. Although Sam tried to cover Jenna's eyes, Jenna knew what was happening. Over the next few days, she frequently talked about it, asking questions and listening attentively to her mother's responses.

That fall, Jenna's cat was found dead in the yard. Sam remembered the cat's body lying still and cold among the yellow and orange leaves, and it was Jenna who discovered it. Sam wondered if the cat's death was truly an accident. No one takes a dead cat to an autopsy. She and Ben assumed a large branch must have fallen on it on that very windy day. There were no tears for Sphere, and at the time, Sam was proud of Jenna for being such a strong little girl.

Sam had to stop running to catch her breath. She checked her watch; she had only been running for under ten minutes. Something was wrong. This had been her routine three times a week for over 20 years. She could count on one hand the number of times she had missed it, like many people would say, running kept her sane.

Sam continued running. Even though she had only been running in this park for a couple of weeks, she was starting to recognize some familiar faces, the regulars with their friendly dogs who loved to play with strangers. To some, this familiarity was pleasant, but to Sam, it was a distraction. She preferred the path less travelled, enjoying the new smells and sights of each place. Getting used to her surroundings ran the risk of Sam drowning in her thoughts. Just keep running, she repeated the mantra in her mind.

"NO!" A woman's cry along Sam's path caught her attention. "Why do you have to be this way?"

The boy around five years old, was scooping ice cream out of its cone with his finger.

As Sam ran, she kept looking back, drawn to the boy's sad, confused expression. Turning her head to focus on the path ahead, she suddenly felt weak and slowed her pace. Closing her eyes to breathe, an image of her mother took hold: weeping, holding a golden cross, and standing by a steel cupboard with a key in the lock. She'd grab Sam's neck and bash her to that key, sometimes shoved here in.

"Why did I even have you?" her mother sneered, shaking her head. "It was the biggest mistake of my life."

Sam stopped jogging, completely out of breath, and placed her hands on her knees. All she could hear was her heart pounding in her ears. An elderly man walking his three dogs passed by, looking at her with concern. One of his dogs was old and skinny with patchy fur. Sam's eyes widened at the sight, and she looked away, afraid to close her eyes and summon the memory of her mother again. As the man approached, Sam tried to stand but was too weak. She took a deep breath and jammed her eyes shut.

Sam's mother's memory re-emerged vividly "God! I kept her because of you! Why didn't you take her away?" Her mother's voice started to fade along with all of the scenery and sounds around her, and she began to break out in a cold sweat. The world was closing in, like she was in a tunnel that was inexorably contracting, then she saw a large cartoon train racing towards her. In the drivers' seat, the cold, soulless face of a bear stared at her, and started to count down in a deep voice: three...two...one...

Everything went dark.

Sam opened her eyes, feeling gentle taps on her face. She was laying on the grass under a clear blue sky her thoughts began to gather and she immediately remembered everything. "Are you ok? Do you know where you are?" a young man kneeling next to her was the one who was asking questions. Sam nodded. "Can you remember what happened?"

She nodded.

The man, most likely an off-duty police officer or paramedic, wasn't satisfied. 'You might need to go to the hospital. You've been unconscious for a few minutes. Are you pregnant or on any medication?' he whispered the last part. 

"More than that, sir," said an old man with three dogs. "She had been running for a while, then just stopped and fell flat on her face! She comes here every day, but today she looked very pale."

Sam recalled that it was this man and his two-minute-to-disaster dog who had triggered the whole episode

Finally, she got up and brushed off her clothes. "Look, I appreciate your concern, but I'm fine." The young man stood up and nodded. She needed to find a new park