A Neat Mess

40. In Defiance

The next morning, Sam woke up to Jenna talking as loudly as possible. Sometimes, she wondered if Jenna did it out of spite. Sam stayed in bed, closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. She couldn't wake up angry. For a second, she imagined what would happen if Jenna were no longer in her life—a question most parents fear to ask, even in their own heads. She actually imagined what it would be like to lose her forever.

She changed her clothes and walked downstairs to show Jenna that she was the most important person in the world to her. Jenna was sitting at the breakfast bar, having pancakes with her father. As Sam approached, she could see confusion on Jenna's face. Walking towards her, Sam reached out.

Jenna, unable to recognize the expression and behaviour, panicked. Alarms went off in her brain. Danger! Danger! She jumped off the bench, quickly maneuvered around the coffee table, and ran upstairs to her room as fast as she could. Ben and Sam stood where they were, amazed and astonished, but the sound of Jenna's bedroom door slamming shut snapped them back to reality.

Ben and Sam stared at the empty space where Jenna had been just moments earlier, then looked at each other, filled with questions. Ben spoke first.

"What the hell was that?" He scratched his chin.

"No idea. Her imagination, maybe? Or a new game she's playing?" Sam shrugged.

"Not Jenna. What was with you and that horrible face? I thought you were possessed!"

Sam began to realize that her little game might have been a bit too dramatic for Jenna's liking. After all, tact was never her strong suit.

"I was going to hug her and comfort her. You know... like loving parents?" Sam sighed and looked up at the ceiling, as if seeking answers there. "I thought since our strategy didn't work, it might be a good idea to change it for once and see what..." Sam stopped speaking and looked around the room. She scrunched her face slightly and turned to Ben.

"What is that smell? Is something burning?"

Ben rushed back into the kitchen and turned off the stove. It was too late for those pancakes.

"So your new strategy is rewarding bad behavior? Is that the doctor's suggestion?"

"It's the same thing every morning. She's noisy, you threaten there won't be any pancakes, and Jenna knows full well there will be. Then she throws her fork, breaks a glass, and storms out. After that, we have to beg her to eat something. I thought maybe we could show her some forgiveness and support by demonstrating it, instead of pushing it on her."

Ben was annoyed now.

"So you're making me the bad guy here? And your face... I was about to run away screaming too!"

Their voices grew louder and louder, and neither intended to back down. Sam continued, "All her life we tried to discipline her. We've been so strict with her, but maybe that's why she's so angry and aggressive all the time?"

Ben had a flashback to Jenna's early childhood and how controlling Sam had been. No one was allowed to have any opinion or recommendation that clashed with Sam's, and it was Sam who wouldn't let Ben hold Jenna on those nights when she had cried. If Jenna had been fed and her nappy had been changed, there was no reason in Sam's mind why she should cry. Sam didn't want a spoiled child, and now professionals were saying that might be one of the reasons Jenna hadn't developed empathy toward other people. Sam's behavior could explain why they had to change so many babysitters during Jenna's first year. Lucille had been approved because she was young and would follow Sam's instructions word for word. She was a clean slate. Poor Lucille. Ben wished that Lucille at least had something bad in her somewhere, but he couldn't think of anything, and the pain was still fresh.