When we vilify ourselves for something that hurt the people around us we value the most, we often want to disappear from their sight. Although we value them, admitting to ourselves we didn't want the bad days that happened, we always feel this barrier that hinders us to come closer again.
Maybe we are afraid. Maybe we are traumatized by the acts we've done, that even if we're the orchestrator of the chaos, we were also hurt in ways different from them. Causing a chaos you didn't want but pushed by your flesh to induce is something traumatizing. You can be traumatized by your acts, it's not so bad to keep that to yourself.
But perhaps, there are these specific days where we miss them— the people we used to be with. Where we miss the old times, old bonds, old places we used to go. It's normal to miss them, it's normal to dream about the past. However, we are too ashamed to show them our faces. We feel too dirty for them, we feel too down— we can't reach them any longer.
Maybe those people understood you and are still ready to open their doors for you if you just knock. Maybe those people still vilify you for the acts. Neither way, you still miss them. You still want to see them, or maybe even just the most basic act of visiting. You long to have that certain opportunity.
We want to have a cover, not a mask, to still see those people we're too ashamed to be with.
That is sad, but that is also okay. You don't have to push yourself into limits you aren't ready for. Maybe right now you're thinking of a way to not be recognized if someday you visit. Maybe right now you are planning a scenario where no one from your childhood or adolescent times can recognize you when you visit.
We want to hide our faces to the ones we used to show it off with grace. We want to hide, even just a mere glance of our facade, to not cause further chaos and ruins and cries.
We want to hide, but we also want to be given the chance to embrace them and see them from afar.
I hope you'll have the courage to mend things with them soon. It's okay if you can't today, it's okay to be afraid and to not be ready. It's okay, dear. Silently, I'm hoping you'll be brave enough to face the consequences and pain you've done. I'm hoping you'll be ready one time and face them with a face you can display again.
It's okay to vilify yourself, but just don't get too far. Don't reach the point where you want to cut your lifeline off, or cut them off for good. If your peace suggests, you can leave the marks behind, but there's no other starting point to leave those through going back. Mend what was broken, fix what needs to be repaired, then off and slowly you can go your way.
Dear, you are not hopelesss. You are not alone. You are not totally disregarded. In here or out there, there's someone who can understand your pain and your trauma.
Not only the victims have the right to feel hurt and broken, sometimes, even villains too. So do not stray that feeling away from yourself. You can still cry and mourn. Be kind, even just in this simple act. You are still liberated to feel the nastiest feeling ever.
