One reason about you

Chapter 1 , Dayla

      ~ Only reasons I believe in happines was because i saw makes you smile again . 

~To live is the rarest thing in world
Most people exist , that's all.
                     
                   - Oscar Wilde

Life for me , was so boring . Everything I do was to overthink and lost in my thoughts.  Sometimes,  probably that s my favorite thing to do. I don t know how live  without worries , everytime care a lot about anything for anyone and that s a big problem for me . I think sometimes , how to make my life better , like others , girls , of course, and when I said that i'm talking about amazing moments with friends , realtionship, a pretty face everytime , and the same a happy life when you have seventeen. But , to be honest , it s not really bad when I have only two best friends,  yes, my mom is so angry because I stay so much în my phone but it s important to spoke with my besties. I don t know what I would do without them . I'm lucky , at least here. In summer we don t hang out, we parents it s so stricts for any reasons: danger strangers . I thing they forgot one thing , I am seventeen almost eighteen and my teenerger dream was no were almost. I'm so sick when they make s me insecure about myself, sometimes when my mom is angry the words push me so hard, such as : you are nothing , I want to die because of you. everytime you makes me angry,  you do nothing for this family , you re grades is lowest,  for eight weeks you don t hang out or not have phone. Only mistakes I do was i'm don t try enought to be a perfect daughter.

This summer i was so depressed, i have thoughts of sucide, eating little bit, I feel so alone, my parents never understand me, and i wish to go back in high school , where i'm not really alone , I forgot them for seven hours . Nobody knows , and not even them , Clar and Tina . We didn t deserve to know my shits.  About hight school,  for me is like a home , I know, that s sounds a bullshit but not for me . Some hours i have a amazing life, sometimes when those guys dont stay far away for me. I have some things with one guy, I really liked him . For not reasons last year a send him a letters about my feelings. I don t know what s in my mind,  not only in my mind. Ally , my best friend, was , we used to talk about more girly stuff but he talked behind my back, she said that I wouldn't have a chance with many boys or that I wouldn't be their type, of course as if I had found a decent boy for me in this generation, but I didn't expect it, he had done more but I pretended not to  it's nothing bad, but it hurt inside. Anyways , as usual, it ends the same, it wasn't for me, I realized too late, I won't lie I cried, it was absolutely not worth a tear, then it was cut off, my high school love life was over.   For me this was a waste of time, last year I longed to be liked as I am or at least a little but I am always wrong, love is embarrassing.  But, why I know about love??
It doesn't matter anymore, anyway from September I will see people not exactly as I wanted, but this is my life in high school, I have to face it, except at home.

      September

I'm ready for this. For 10th class. Probably everything will be the same , but i wanna see my only two true best friends. I made many three rules for this year: one don t fall in love , two be real with anyone and three focused on high school. I think it s the good way , to would be a not depressed girl again . Will be fine , I know that . And I forgot to say , i'm in a art high school,  and that s amazing. Since I was born my life depended on drawing and living in this world.  I can't imagine myself without this passion, it would be impossible.   It is very important to you that I be healthy and that I can continue at a university on this subject.  My parents agree, they wouldn't imagine life shaping up if I didn't succeed, at least they didn't want me to be a doctor.  Even so.   However, I know exactly what I want to do in life, I don't need some stupid boys who just make fun of every girl, it's a waste.  At one point in my life everything seemed like a waste, all I want is to never again feel this nasty feeling as if nothing would change.

My sadness must disappear, with that the disease will also disappear, I know it will be better.  I think about all this while standing in the courtyard of the high school, seeing how people gather around.  Many famous girls.  I start to tremble, and feel anxious again.  In my head I had to stop this, I was agitated, maybe I hadn't healed enough yet.  I was trying to keep everything under control.I would like Tina to appear as soon as possible.  I will feel better.  A few of my colleagues have appeared, they are very different but also very similar.   You can say that I am much better than the others in the general.  I don't even want to remember.  Thoughts were whizzing through my mind and I wondered if everything would be okay?  Will it be better or worse?  Or did I just have the impression that I would be better here?  I was tired of listening to the conversations of those two colleagues like Lyda and Daisy, they always gossip behind  back and when they are with her they seem like they are best friends, that's annoying.   Maybe that's the part I hate in high school, a lot of people are fake with you, you don't even know who you can trust.   It's dangerous, that's why it's better to be careful, my parents wouldn't like their only daughter hanging out with girls who smoke, do drugs and so on.   Normally I wouldn't do that, but I pretend that I don't care, I still speak but more stridently so as not to seem like I want the same fate as Lyda's.  I know she's a good person, he's just been through a lot.  I would understand, that's how she feels better, smoking, not being alone.  Look, this is how I understand that everyone has a comfort in something, that's the good part.  Daisy is the beauty of the class, she doesn't seem to be reliable at all, I never had any in her.  From a family with daughters, her sister at the faculty of architecture, her life is already arranged accordingly.  It's not worth it.   Maybe somewhere in her soul there is still goodness.   She would understand that later.  Or maybe it has changed?   Ally had also come, I didn't want to be mean to her. We greeted each other, dryly, but we did it. Maybe she has changed a little too.   Since she had a boyfriend, She was in love.  It depended on a boy, that's stupid.  She didn't even know if he would stay for the rest of his life.   I usually always said that it was her business, and it was better to distance ourselves. Ally started talking to me, for some reason:
- Have you lost weight, or so it seems to me? 
This question made me think, I always wondered how i'm looked it makes me feel very strange, I always felt that I was not enough, now I don't care so much. 
- Probably. 
- Aha, you know we didn't talk much, do you think I look different?  Now I'm sure I'll attract more eyes, as usual, I saw ......
- Look, I really don't care about that Ally, I just started the year and....
Then a colleague appeared, Ivan, he was  as a friend for Ally, her boyfriend thought she was cheating on him, naturally, they were too close.  I greeted him, he was always busy, he didn't deserve to be involved in Aly's business.  He can burn it anytime.  I was waiting for him to finish the conversation.   I started to say:
- I'm going further, I'm glad to see you
I feel so weird, all I could do was go inside the high school.

I accidentally made eye contact with a single person who was sitting a little further from us, he had green to blue eyes, he was a boy, brown hair and bangs  , he had glasses I don't understand why you came into my sight, and the fact that he was looking at me like that, after a few minutes he remembered looking down.  He looked embarrassed. It seemed very strange to me.  I've seen him before, I didn't pay much attention to him.   I didn't want to now either.  It was just a coincidence.   I will respect the first rule, I have to, I don't deserve to suffer or hurt  like last year or like always.   I am led to believe that the relationship and love stuff is not for me.  As I was retreating from Ally and Ivan, I ended up in a hallway of a section of the high school.   It was too hot outside.  I felt like I had a little more and passed out.   I knew I had social anxiety, but not really.  I took a breath, I felt the same.  I'm trying to think of something.  I could not.  All I had in mind was that I am not well and my mental state will die, maybe right now.   I wanted Tina or at least Clar to appear.  I heard steps towards me, slowly, I moved my head back, then the sky fell right on my head, I felt trapped forever.