One reason about you

Chapter 8 , Jane

I was better. I am better and I will be. My mother used to go to the psychologist after dinner, maybe a consultation will be good for me too. I had not had the courage. I don't really show my feelings or what I feel to anyone, not even my mother lately. Of course, because I had nothing. Nothing interesting is happening in my life. Everything is boring. Sometimes I think that I just exist in life, not as if I live. I do what is necessary but I cannot say that I am the happiest person. Until my life started to catch a little, very little, like the smallest thing in this world, that is, to catch life. I don't know how, but it happened. I'm finally home. I was mentally tired. I just wanted to stay in bed. I hear how the door slowly opens, I was lost in my thoughts. It was my mother. I haven't spent time with her in a while. I know she's not feeling well, and she's getting sicker and sicker. I try to help her as I can. How could she also support us. Not to take me to an orphanage after my father, whom I never even knew, left. Probably dead too. My mother didn't want to give me details. But when will the time be? Anyway, I could see her pale face day by day, many wrinkles and it seemed like she was walking harder and slower. I appreciate her very much, she always loved me, as I am. He always thought I was the nicest in the whole universe. He wants me to do well, I will do my best to make it so. However, I didn't tell him anything about the high school phase. I don't want them to worry about something trivial. She sat on my bed. And she began:
- Are you feeling well, my dear?
- Pretty good, yes. but you mom? I want to be honest.
She looked blankly:
- For the better, look I brought you something special. Maybe it doesn't mean much, but I remember when my mother in turn gave me these bracelets, one for me, one for her and one more for someone I cared about a lot. Now it's my turn to do the same.
I looked at the bracelets, they were nice. They didn't look like any bracelets. They were simple, white beads. I couldn't see the difference. The mother continued, almost with tears in her eyes:
- They are yours, ...and son
She call me that even if you know that I am still a girl by gender......know that I will always love you no matter what, and I'm sure you'll find someone who will love you the same way. I just want you to enjoy life, go out, have friends, not always stay with me, in my care, with Kiko in your room. I want you to spend your life, I don't want you to end up like me.
Tears streamed down my cheeks.
- You are special. I promise you that not only for me.
Those were the last words, and I took out, wiping away the tears. I felt that the emotions overwhelmed me. I didn't want to see my mother cry like that. I took the two bracelets, and I handed one to her. She flashed a loving smile. I didn't really smile like that, but now I found my smile. I hugged her as hard as I could. It was my mother. The only person who understood me. Who was by my side even when I didn't say much about myself. I love her too. I love her that after everything that happened in her life, she decided on her own to never raise me and make me enjoy every moment of my life. Although I didn't listen to her, maybe I will realize how important it is to live. Not just to exist.

It was evening . I couldn't sleep well. I kept thinking, if I will ever be able to have friends or really spend my life. Although I could talk to my classmates, I don't know. It would be strange to realize so suddenly. Although it would be incredibly difficult for me. I am not like this. It's so complicated.

The high school day has passed. As usual, nothing new. Maybe I had the courage to go out during breaks, but alone. Certainly not. So as always I was alone. Overhearing classmates' conversation. Stupid. Relationships, and all the nonsense. But not only. One topic caught my attention. Sam in gym class talked to Andrea about a girl Ally who keeps going out with boys, smoking and possibly using drugs with another classmate of hers, I didn't remember her name, it was quite strange. And now I'm nowhere to be found. That's what they say in high school. They haven't appeared on social media for two days, or have they been seen in person. At the moment there are news about them. This seemed extremely strange to me. Look, that's not how I want to live my life, not even in my head. What shit. After all, maybe I shouldn't have eavesdropped on their conversation, but I had no one to tell anyway. Right in front of the two of them, they were talking non-stop. Although it seemed somewhat worrying. I'll try to pretend I didn't hear anything.