One reason about you

Chapter 2 , Jane

,, You can have a lot of people around and still have no one "
~ Rahul Gehlot

I'm used to being invisible all the time. I have been for as long as I can remember. I was never seen by anyone as the best friend or anything. I'm always in my own world. Most of the games on the phone, my life, are there. Day, night, all summer I spent in video games. I have friends there, I don't know myself in reality, I don't know who I really am. The righteous do not tell them much. At least there I can talk to someone even though I feel good when I'm alone. I have a comfort in this, loneliness is my comfort. I wouldn't see myself as popular or anything else. My mother says I'm very normal, and she didn't see anything bad in me. I'm just me, and I don't want to be someone else. She understands me, and always has. I live only with her, since I was born I only know her, she is like a friend, a sister to me, not just a mother. She's crazy about k pop like me and all things gaming. That's great about her. He doesn't hide anything from me, even though he's quite old, he raised me properly. She was a loner like me, I probably inherit it.
We live in an apartment, in the neighborhood of London, we live close to my high school. I don't have that much to go, it's a benefit. When it comes to high school, I better keep quiet. I don't know anyone who wanted to communicate with me, especially from my class. Maybe the problem was with me, I didn't know how to communicate with people, but only virtually, that is, in games. I don't have friends in my class, I was talking to a classmate, she was good in the 9th grade, she distanced herself for no reason. We had things in common, I know she liked girls. She always told me, I just listened to her. I didn't tell anyone my problems, not even her, and if she told me everything. Daniele was the only one who still took me into account when she remembered. Until the 10th grade when he completely forgot about me. It doesn't bother me that much. He was indifferent. I had my mother anyway.

I don't like high school, nothing is like home. I study as much as I can, and I have acceptable results. My motivation is of course drawing. Since I was little, I used to draw everything, from anime and everything. I express myself through drawing. It wasn't just a passion. I draw people, without noticing, I used to do this in high school, when I had free hours. It was funny, they weren't caricatures, but how I saw people. People don't notice me, but I do, silently and on paper.
Maybe I'm strange, I'm made strange, in any point of view. I'm not, and I don't like being a girl, I've never felt like a girl. So I turned into a boy, although I still have a girl's coat, no one notices. Everyone thinks I'm a boy, that's what I want. Apart from my classmates, maybe that's why I'm weird. I don't see myself like that. As long as I feel good like this, I don't see a problem. I don't talk to them, so it's all the same to me. I'd rather stay silent, it's my way of being in society. I didn't think about what I could do further, I don't want to think about the future, but about the present.

I didn't have relationships, like other teenagers have, I didn't fall in love with anyone, and if I did when I was a girl I don't want to remember. It's embarrassing. I don't like boys, I never did. That's probably how I wanted it to appear. The past is the past and for the better. Maybe one day I will find someone I like, who will accept me exactly as I am, a boy. I don't want to make a mistake to my mother, I'm proud that she agreed with my decision, I'm hers, that she never raised me even when she felt she had nothing to live for.

September

Now, autumn has come, high school again. I can't say I'm happy. Loneliness awaits me. Lost in thought, I sit with my head on the phone, doing nothing. I had forgotten to charge it, I pretend to do something on it, that explains my extreme anxiety. However, I'm used to it. Daniele ended up with Sabrina, another classmates, pretending to think she likes her. It's not my problem anyway, I don't care about any of it. He didn't even greet me. Actually, who would greet me? I hear a lot of conversations, although I didn't want to. As usual, my classmates ignore me, not that it's anything new. I'm glad, I hope they don't. The world gathers, the other classes, I sit and look at the ground, or at the phone, sometimes I look up.
I hear some conversations, maybe sometimes I feel better in solitude. Jace, Grigor, and Ray moved close to me. I didn't want to listen to what they were saying. Jace started:
- Maybe I'm seeing other girls, maybe that's how it goes. Ray adds:
- Bro, honestly you've had enough and none, seriously? you're crazy, he started to laugh, Grigor had a girlfriend, he doesn't care about anyone else, it seems, not even about their conversation. Jace in a thick voice, said:
- Eh, I'm sure I'll talk to Dayla again, why not -
- Again? You know he doesn't want you anymore, you didn't deserve it
- It doesn't matter I had enough, I went somewhere else.
I know I won't understand guys like that, I don't even bother. I don't want that. But I like not to think about such things. I stop looking at the ground, I notice someone in front of me. He had brown and doe eyes. The girl's expression was anxious. It seemed to me that she was the girl that Jace and Gray had talked about. I remembered it. I look at her intensely but I don't know why, I wasn't used to doing that. I could feel his condition, and it wasn't good. As I looked at her, her eyes met mine. Then I felt so anxious, panicked but I didn't want to regret it. I looked away again and then down. I hope he didn't see that I was panicking. I had many question marks. Especially since I could see her walking slowly inside the high school, towards the hall. And immediately I notice that he is slowly walking after her, Jace. I was right, she was Dayla.