One reason about you

Chapter 5 , Dayla

,, I see you everywhere, in the stars , in the river , to me you re everything that exists, the reality of everything "
~Virginia Woolf

I arrived home, quite tired. All I wanted was to sleep long and well. At least I enjoyed the time I spent with Tina and Clar, another friend, Kiara, younger than us, had come. But it's funny and very workable. Maybe I stayed quite a bit, I don't stay in the city of Ewvrny itself, but in a small village nearby. I came by bus. My cat, Mi, waited for me, as always. But this time I didn't have time to play with her, I was sorry but I promised her more free time with her this weekend. He understood, I know that, he meowed with joy. My parents were in the kitchen, there were noises. They were talking. By me. They had personal problems, for sure. I chose not to get involved. I don't even want to hear how he turns me into a bitch, without having done anything wrong, I barely leave the house, I haven't had my first kiss never and all I do is work for myself and college. I will never be enough anyway. That's it . I am used to suffering in silence. I went to my room, very quietly, I didn't want it to be heard that I had arrived. I rolled over in bed. And suddenly I fell asleep.

I was dreaming. But I felt the door of my room open and after a while it closed. It was either father or mother. Maybe they wanted to make sure they were home safe. Or that they are sorry for some words said about me. I didn't feel like thinking about it. Now that everything will be better. Although I was thinking about my dream, strange. It was something important, I had dreamed of a painting. Very strange and incomprehensible. I looked at this for a long time. It attracted me. It was something special but also interesting. Just looking at this made me feel better. Although I don't think I understood why. The only thing I could remember from the dream. I didn't really dream anymore, and when it happened, it made sense. I thought again.
Suddenly, I realized that I woke up at 04:30 and there was no point in falling asleep. I had to get ready for high school in a few minutes. I don't understand how but I felt that I would relieve myself there. As always.

I was staring blankly, and thinking about my life, that's what I've been doing for as long as I've known myself. Until I come back to reality. I still have Jace on my mind, but I don't like him anymore I'm sure. I don't deserve to like him. It was just fun for him. I was a fool . That I could believe him. And that I thought he would be for me. Fools. It was all nonsense from the beginning. I was the blind one. I am fighting to finish everything at once. And I will definitely forget. I woke up from bed, I looked for something interesting among the clothes. Same clothes. I don't really care. Maybe I wanted to change as a person more, but everything in its time. I will be waiting. I got a slightly looser t-shirt, jeans, and my lucky converts. My hair was always a disaster. Either long or short, it was the same. I was going to paint it, but my parents didn't agree. It was also normal. Maybe at eighteen. The bag ready, I looked in the mirror. I hated what I saw. But I can't change my face, not even my life, even if I did.

I was ready. My parents were not at home. At work. Even so. My bus stop is far, so I had to run a bit, I couldn't afford to be late for the first class of French. I don't love French. It's so useless. A few minutes of waiting. I could get lost in my thoughts again. But just then the bus appears, I had escaped. Another comfortable thing is to sit on a bus, and look out the window, and of course think, about everything that is possible. My mind never has breaks. I'm so sorry, not really. How to forget the music. Music connects me with life and thoughts. And the people. A person . Why? I don't know, I don't know anything about this person. But it helps me get rid of another one. I can say that I do not regret thinking about him. I don't know his name. Why would I want to know it? Something is happening to me. For better or for worse, I have no idea. It's just in my mind. That's all. First rule, I won't break it. I promised. I promised myself, and I keep my promises.
After a few good roads, I arrive at my great destination. Ewvrny Art High School. How I missed it. Although I had also entered a few yesterday. I felt at home. But something in me didn't want to show the joy. So I was going as if carelessly. what was wrong with me I was receiving treatment and going to a psychologist all summer. I have to recover. I know I can. I hope Or, I get worse. I would walk in the high school hall, climb the stairs and reach the classroom. I was the first. What a surprise. I didn't feel like sitting alone in class, so I walked through the corridors. Lots of student drawings were on the walls. They were gorgeous. All presented love, desire, courage, color. And I also dreamed something that didn't make any sense but still had meaning. I was caught in blank oblivion. Until I hear massive footsteps coming towards where I was. I knew the voice. It was Grigor and Ray's. Friends from Jace's class, of course. To hell with it. I quickly pulled myself to a wall leading to a narrow cellar. I didn't want him to see me. Unfortunately or by surprise, I heard a little of what he had said:
- Bro, honestly, I don't know who to talk to, so many girls but I don't know.......
they started with silly things of their own, but suddenly they stopped at the drawings on the walls, analyzing them, Grigor said:
- This is Jane's drawing, it's beastly man. - You realize, it stayed exactly like that, he becomes a trans boy bro, if only he would say something about how to be a man...
- Ray, don't be bad, try, I have nothing against her, she's still a girl for nothing, at least draw good and it's work
- YES bind, as if you communicated with her, or one of us, she doesn't want, we don't want.... Grigor changes the subject.

I had heard enough. What about Jane? Who was it? I don't remember someone unless it's who I think it is. I couldn't believe it. It didn't look like it at all. I didn't even have one like this in mind.. But how? So many question marks, although why should I care, I heard by chance, but after thinking about this one, Jane said. I care. But it's a twist. I'm really going to think a lot these days, no joke.

It seems that we will spend French class at a museum with the insensible 11th grade. Wonderful. I will bear the presence of one. And I will see the presence of another. The English and French teachers have guided us before, the 11th grade in front of us. We are 10, after them, if we don't get lost, as expected. Tina and I were unstoppable, I'm glad she's by my side, I don't know what I would have done without her. But I didn't tell her anything about my thoughts, I don't want her to think that I like him or something. I will be waiting. The right time, although a lot can change. Ally glanced at the two of us out of the corner of her eye. Was he feeling stupid? Did she want to solve everything? She was staying with Lyda, however, so as not to do anything stupid. Now it's her choice. I have always advised her what is best, but it seems that it is not worth it.
I did not notice a so-called Jane. is it a girl I still can't believe it. Although maybe it wasn't about her. What the hell. It's such a strange thing. Actually, I'm complicating myself again. I don't want to go crazy again. I have to be careful, I really have to. Although I always run into Jace, talking to his so-called friends. At least he's not talking to Ben's jerk. He hangs out with any girl that comes his way, although so does Jace. Learn well, what can I say. Just leave me alone. He had enough of me.
So in the great agglomeration, between classes, I could barely enter the museum. It was nice, I hadn't been in a while. All the drawings were expressive. I felt something clear. And again I think of that dream. Tina interrupts me, with the pictures. I love it when she asks me to take her pictures, I'm becoming a good photographer. Everyone was spinning, looking. My classmates didn't stop, they didn't take down a tripod. But I still didn't see anyone in particular... Hadn't he probably come? Then all of a sudden, some of my classmates and some of the 11th were staring at me, that's what Tina tells me:
- I don't understand why people keep looking like that, are they crazy or.... That's when it started, I felt like she got angry bad for the best.
- Who is this ox?? You guys don't forget ok? And it's not funny, go to hell, and you Oland, I'm not watching.
Tina had an argument with our classmate Oland, long story. I was confused. Until I saw it, there was a note, it said: Dayla, the bitch, desperate for Jace, let's see what love letter she will get this year. I thought I was collapsing from nerves, anxiety, fear, all at once. I wanted to hide from everyone. To forget everything that had happened. I will not get rid of this man. Tina consoled me that it will be fine. Some of the 11th looked at me angrily, others were whispering, I had tears in my eyes, and I barely had the strength to breathe normally. Almost everyone gathered around me. I feel so many looks. I want to run away. That's all I want. I rushed to the exit of the museum, where it should have been. I felt like shit. I saw Jace, staring at me, and he had come to see what had happened to me. All I could do was slap him and throw the stupid sheet away. He ruined my day, and when he changed my life, I was wrong, he made it worse for me. Will that guy come to me? And it was worth it, I don't regret slapping him. And plus I told him with tears in my eyes:
- Go to hell.
I don't know what expression he had, but I don't care, and I don't care who saw it. I just want to go back to high school. Or actually at home, now at this moment I can't find my place anymore. Maybe it's just a phase but it's depressing me, and it's not good at all. Not for me . I run fast, without stopping until I accidentally bump into someone. I could feel his hand, I touched it. It was soft. I stopped suddenly. I'm coming back. And I see, I actually see her, No, actually see him. It is that person. Jane. We looked at each other for a long time. I suddenly felt calm, safe. I was watching him. He was looking at me. We were looking at each other. With such ease. For what? I still had tears in my eyes. He kept looking at me, I felt like you had something from me, but what? I would have asked why he was looking at me like that yesterday? And who he really is. It wasn't the time. Not at all. All I could say to him was:
- I'm sorry, sorry, it was by mistake...... And I rushed to the exit. Although I wanted to know what he thought when he saw me like that. And why I simply felt healthy just looking into his eyes. Is something . I didn't know what. Exactly like in the dream painting.