She was a nucleus of light

Zehra's New Beans

Her eyes slightly opened and then closed again. Zehra seemed to be searching for someone, wanting to see that someone. She swallowed. Her stomach was nauseous, and her head was spinning. Suddenly, her insides were filled with the terrifying fear of a loss she never wanted to experience. In a tired voice, she mumbled, "Ismail, your leg!" There was curiosity and concern in her voice. This unexpected question made Ismail look at his legs suspiciously. Zehra, again, more anxiously and loudly than before, said, "Ismail! Your legs! Show me your legs!" as she tried to sit up from her lying position. Her eyes were open now...

When Ismail saw the fear in Zehra's grape-colored eyes on her pale face, he didn't know what to do for a moment, then stood up in surprise. Seeing Ismail standing straight on both legs, Zehra's face lit up with exhausted joy, and she reached out to Ismail and lay back down. Her eyes closed. There was now a more peaceful expression on her face. "Thank goodness, thank goodness," she was mumbling... The last thing she remembered was disappearing into a fog on the operating table...

After a while, she fully regained consciousness. Her nausea was gone. She still had pain, but she felt better. The uncertainties had vanished, and everything was clear. She was aware of what was happening and where she was. She was in her right mind and could think, but still, she couldn't stop looking at Ismail's leg, trying to make sure the leg inside the pants wasn't a prosthesis. She didn't just look; she asked Ismail to come closer and roll up his pant leg to be sure... She carefully inspected the leg, touching it with her hand...

Ismail finding Narin, Cemal, Kadir, the Sair, the mountain, what happened in the mountain and the village, rape, conflicts, blood, tears, severed arms and legs. Havin, Abdil, Reşo, Reşo's execution, the Man with the Ski Mask, Narin being shot just as she was about to board the helicopter, her inability to plant the light seeds she read about, the waste of a superior intellect, Ali's love, Ismail's praise of Narin's beauty and intelligence... The truths Ismail had recounted at length had deeply affected Zehra and had taken root in her subconscious. Zehra knew that after Narin's brain death, her organs were taken, and since she had no relatives, Ali and Ismail had approved the cessation of medical support. She had closed her eyes, and the thought that if Narin was as beautiful as Ismail had described, there might have been mutual attraction between them felt absurd, but she couldn't stop the feeling of jealousy she didn't want to feel.

The exhaustion from the chaotic emotions combined with the weakness of a body recovering from surgery caused Zehra to fall back into a deep sleep.

As Ismail watched his sleeping wife, he thought about Narin, reliving what happened in the helicopter:

"(...) She was shot... She was losing a lot of blood. Medic Kadir was trying to stop the bleeding, but the hopelessness was evident in his eyes. At one point, he turned to me and stammered, 'Sergeant, the girl's kidney... for your wife... you know, if she dies...' I couldn't say anything at that moment; I found such opportunism despicable. On the other hand, Zehra's health was at stake. My mind was saying 'Kadir is right,' but my heart couldn't accept it. Cemal was shouting, 'Kadir is right, such an opportunity won't come again,' but it didn't seem right or humane to me. My heart was melting, sweating; I couldn't move. If I did this, I would be no different from vultures feeding on carcasses. 'No! It can't be without permission, without consent! Let's save her... If she agrees, fine,' I shouted, crying.

At that moment, I felt Narin's faint touch on my hand. When I looked, her burnt, bloody, painful face, her lips moved, whispering, 'Pen, paper.' With trembling fingers, she started writing something with difficulty, then suddenly dropped the pen. She couldn't write anymore, the paper stuck to her bloody hand. When I took the blood-stained paper and read it, I couldn't believe my eyes; I couldn't hold back my tears. I was flying with joy and at the same time, I didn't lose my humanity, I wanted the tears mixed with the blood smudging my face to save the unfortunate girl. I was ready to cry for her until I withered away.

The paper read, 'I donate my organs.' She could only sign her name. Beside her name was a dot with a blue tail that faded as it extended downward.

We got her to the hospital, but she couldn't come out of the coma she was in for days. My eyes filled with tears; I would have sobbed if I weren't ashamed.

***

That day, after leaving the hospital, Zehra made love to her husband for the first time. Lying naked on Ismail's chest, tired and happy, she said, 'Do you have a picture of Narin? I'm very curious about her face.'

Ismail imagined the large leaf-green eyes on that dark, beautiful face. 'She was beautiful, unbelievably beautiful... The poor girl wasn't lucky... Ali has her pictures. He took many pictures of her in the mountains,' he said, kissing his wife's lips.

Zehra said, 'Let's name our daughter Narin, and our son Ali.'

Narin's unfortunate fate had moved Zehra. Suddenly, she felt like a green light was shining on her waist... It was as if Narin, looking radiant, was saying, 'Don't be sad, I'm always with you, I live in you.' Zehra's hand instinctively went to her waist...